The Glass Princess

Chapter 1 Christmas is coming

Chapter 1

Christmas is coming

Finding myself has freed me from my tower in many ways. While I still love the place I still call home, I'm happy to enjoy the world outside of it in tandem to the place I will always call home. This morning I found myself waking up at my usual time, 7am ish. After my shower, hair brushing, hormones and clothes on I felt ready to start my day.

I never really went out much, but with Christmas coming I wanted to make sure I can ensure it's the best Christmas possible. I listed out all the decorations I wanted to get into the mood and planned my ways to invite family. I'll admit to being a bit afraid, most haven't seen me since I started transitioning. Will they accept me as Emily? I don't know but I feel like it's better late than never to tell them. I'm scared though so I've admittingly put this part of the plan off....

My parents were out this morning. So I had breakfast by myself, but I had funny youtube videos to keep me company in a way. I just like having background noise on, just happier that way.

My goal today was to go get decorations for a christmas party. There is a shopping centre nearby, so it seemed like a good starting point. I don't really know what decoration stores look like? I'm just hoping for the best.

Opening the door is usually the scary part when going out. But generally I feel better after I get past that part. I feel much better outside than I used to even if I haven't had much of a chance to yet. Near my house is a park I usually walk through to go to the train station. I played there a lot when I was a bit smaller. I walked into the park and a group of cute ducks walked past peacefully. I felt pretty good walking by the ducks. Though my feet started to hurt. My stride became somewhat wobbly, high heels are still a challenge. But I did a bit better than yesterday. "Do you need help, miss?" a young woman said to me. As embarrassed as I felt being asked this.... I was called miss so I responded. "I um... sorry I am just not used to these shoes" I replied gripping my skirt tightly. "Wait am I outing myself" I thought... truth be told this was likely me overreacting. The young woman looked down to my feet, took her hands out of her jacket pocket. She held it up towards me. "I .. can help you balance if you want" she stated rather nervously. I initially held my hand away but she seemed genuine, it felt right for whatever reason. I gave her my hand and she held it firmly. I was feeling a bit embarrassed but.. It was warm, I liked the feeling. She did a heels walking imitation, explaining it rather confidently even if with the occasional pause here and there. She seemed a bit lost in thought but I tried not to mind that. "Now try stepping like that, I have your hand so you won't fall" she said smiling. I carefully moved towards her, surprisingly gracefully and her smile widened. "That's it, you are doing great" she cheerfully said to me. My face felt really really hot, one the weather and two my cheeks are flaring in heat for some reason. We eventually stopped moving and she let go of my hand. There was an awkward pause... I needed to say something... "...my name is emily by the way" I said softly. "Naomi" she said proudly. "I don't see people in this park very often, at least not nowadays" I explained to her. "I used to live nearby I guess... but moved back" She said smiling, "I haven't seen you around before so we probs never got a chance to talk" She continued on to say as she sat on a bench nearby. This could be my chance at a new start, I mean this woman has never met me. Even if she somehow did she'd not recognize me now anyway. These were the type of things racing through my head, my heart really sped up. I didn't want to somehow say something she wouldn't like or something...

"D-did you want to um... hang out sometime? Like at the shop nearby or something" I somehow managed to say despite being nervous. "Oh uh sure, I'd love to" She said. "I am gonna be busy for the rest of today but we could meet there tomorrow" She continued. "Sure! That sounds great, uh see you then, we can just meet in the food court... it ain't the biggest place so finding me should be okay" I said admittingly a bit hyperactive in my voice delivery. I wondered if my voice got a bit deeper there, it was probs okay it's just easy to get self conscious I guess.

"Well um... was cool meeting you, I'm gonna go do errand things but talking was fun" I said as I readied myself to do more walking. Naomi nodded and said "see you tomorrow Emily" while smiling brightly. Nervously I began to walk off to the shops. I know I'm still getting use to talking to people but I was definitely a nervous trainwreck then I thought to myself. My heart was still beating fast, was I really that nervous.... Or was this something else. As I exited the park, looking to the side I see the little wooden beams that were always part of this parks playground. When I was like 8 I would make short movies with a friend here. It was nearby my house and his house so it made sense as our movie set. We pretended the beams were a draw bridge, he played the knight in shining armor. Whereas I played as a princess, I hid these videos as a result. I didn't know where I hid the camera, so I figured it was another discovery to be made at home later. I did miss my childhood friend a lot but I didn't remember his last name. His first name was Hunter. We never got to finish that movie but if possible, the chance to finish it would make me so happy.

Either Way I figured I should pick up the pace and go to the shops before it gets packed. The wait at the train station was a little long, some kind of track repair issue. Walking into the train and needing to pass through a group of high school girls. I always feel off whenever I have to walk through a group of girls. I guess I wanted to feel more at ease around other girls I just have hard time shaking off internalized mannerisms. Subconsciously I feel like I gotta prove my worthiness to be a woman when near large groups of girls. Either way I managed to walk pass them without tripping in my heels. I sat down on a seat in the train. It was pretty soft and comfy. Played games most of the short train ride, I have been trying to avoid social media to occupy time. Just feels healthier that way.

The shops had a pretty simple automatic sliding door thing. No one was really looking so I did a gesture when the door opened as if I had magical powers. Was pretty fun I'll admit. Truth be told I didn't know exactly what kinda store would have Christmas decorations but the whole shop was decorated so it shouldn't be too hard. While the glass in front of stores used to show a reflection that terrified me, I felt pretty good today though. My reflection looked a bit more elegant and rather pretty. I clearly couldn't walk in these heels but I found myself looking into the glass reflections more than I expected. I used to avoid them but now, it's kinda fun? I would've done a fun twirl if I felt more balanced on my feet. The middle section of the shopping centre had Santa sitting on a big chair with kids waiting in line to ask for a present. I wondered what I wanted this Christmas. I feel my wants get less materialistic as I go. I walked closer to the Christmas displays. Just a few meters away from Santa. I think.... What I truly want... is a Christmas with all the people I like together. I've had to keep distant from my family for a while. Will I be able to have a happy Christmas event the way we used to? I know I've changed a lot but I still miss those kinds of events with people. Thoughts like this started to overwhelm me. I became a little upset, everything became a lot scarier. Setting up this little dream of mine, I wondered if it was possible. I decided on getting the Christmas decorations as a start, maybe another time I could indulge a bit and ask Santa. Even if I'll admit to myself that would be a bit childish I guess. But why does it have to be......