The Glass Princess

Chapter 5 Overcoming the weight that people made me make up

Chapter 5

Overcoming the weight that people made me make up

The night of my outing with Naomi I began placing the new plushie onto my bed. My new soft friend will now be another member of my little plushie group on my bed. Plushies kinda acted as an escape from masculinity in some ways. Was the kinda toy you could just cuddle or maybe imagine them doing a cool quest. It is all up to you. That feeling of freedom and no worry from what is outside. It's nice and I always wonder if that's what I miss about certain aspects of my childhood. I could just hold the camcorder, point it at my plushies, think of a fun story and bam cinematic masterpieces are born. Thinking that to myself did make me kinda giggle to myself as I sat on the bed. Even still it's easy to feel I lost a lot from my childhood since I couldn't really be me. But when I did record these, maybe it was escapism in its truest sense. Maybe I didn't see it like that then? Like I wouldn't know what escapism is but did I know what exactly I was escaping from yet. I felt like I had something from my childhood I really wanted to reclaim. Something about that feeling. A feeling where it was just what was in front of me. Just having fun, not feeling obligated to do things you didn't want to. The park for instance has such a big slide, but I still hesitate to go down it. What am I afraid of anyway. I have transitioned, so where is the spark of confidence that I expected. I hugged the plushie Naomi gave me and hugged it tight. I began to cry but I'm a bit confused what exactly is upsetting me. I walked over, closed my door and jumped back on the bed. Can I still do the things I enjoyed then? Is that feeling I can't, what is upsetting me? I'm not making movies now, I'm not playing on playgrounds and I might not get to have the nostalgic christmas that I want back. I rolled on my back and looked through the window. The trees outside swaying back and forth with the slow wind. I can't exactly finish that film with hunter, especially without him. But maybe... I could make a new one with all my plushies, starring a new member of the group. Would be a bit silly of me to do that in my early 20's though right. But it does sound fun..... I have done a lot of effort to be myself and I have overcome a lot to be here. If I can go out to the shops with Naomi and have fun then I can do anything right? I overcame a big fear being social again. So maybe me indulging in what I enjoy is what I need. I wiped remaining tears off, fairly determined to make this happen. Okay okay, gotta think how did I do this before. I dug through the bag I found the charger to the camcorder in. I found a spare tape, seemed to be nothing on it? There is no way I could tape over me and hunters movie, we will finish it someday, whenever we meet again. But, I can make this movie. Scrolling endlessly isn't that fun and friends are offline tonight so the time is right. I turned on the camcorder hearing the familiar startup noise. Okay so.... Now what. I mean I just kinda improvised these right? So I'll try again...... alright

Hatty the bear approached the pillow fortress. Their santa hat swaying in the wind and.... Wait is a pillow fortress too literal.... I mean am I imagining this right.... Wait I mean I can imagine what I want.

I began arranging the pillows and sheets to create what kinda resembled a castle. I even dug out old building blocks to use as the bridge to the castle

Hatty the bear arrived at the drawbridge heroically. Commander Dolphie the Dolphin telepathically flew in the air as if it were water looking down. "Who dares attempt to enter the fortress of pillowopilis" Dolphie the Dolphin yelled. "I have to defeat the mighty penguin they call pengasus to gain my wish" Hatty the bear yelled out. "Pengasus the 7th bandit of the vaguely circular table isn't accepting duels right now" Dolphie the Dolphin explained. "That's why I brought THIS" Hatty the bear said as they started to fly. "How could this beeeee" Dolphie the Dolphin yelled out. "You see, I have an invisible flying bathtub and I needed it to charge up so now I can enter the fortress to defeat Pengasus the 4th bandit... of the.... Table thing?... anyway" Hatty the bear explained flying down, pengasus stood before them. "How did you get in here?" Pengasus asked. "Bathtub" Hatty the bear explained. "That doesn't explain anything? State your purpose" Pengasus asked firmly. "The village promised if I defeated you, I would become a.... Princess" Hatty the bear stated. "And how are you intending to defeat me?" Pengasus asked. "With cuddles" Hatty the bear said doing a dive into a hug. Pengasus received a cuddle. "No... my .... Evil power.... Is being replaced by kindness, empathy and a desire to support small businesses" Pengasus yelled out. "So... feel better now?" Hatty the bear askes. "Um yes actually.... Uh good luck becoming a princess you are valid, I'm going to stop being bad and doing ungood things" Pengasus says walking away slowly. "When I become a princess, I wanna hold a party to celebrate me becoming me.... You can come if you want"

And I stopped recording there. That was... nice. Like, it was silly but I had fun. I smiled and put the camcorder on a special place on my table. Following that I lied down my bed surrounded by the plushies. I suppose, even if things change some things might not? I can still always film stuff like this. Nothing is really stopping me. Though I figured the types of jokes I made in the video I wouldn't have made back then. But it felt right either way? It was the same but done by who I am today. I used to show my friends the videos I made but I suppose at least for now this can be my fun little personal thing. Will I ever really grow up in a sense? Is that even a thing that just happens or like gender is it something we do? I'll be myself and do my best. That seems to be working for me at least.