The Glass Princess

Chapter 7 A Culinary Grind

Chapter 7 A Culinary Grind

The following morning I woke up fairly early. The sun was out but normally I'd get up a solid hour from now. I pick up my phone and see a message from Naomi while I was sleeping. "Hey did you want to hang out today?" She typed. "Sure I'd love to!" I respond back.... Wait its like 5am will my message wake her up...

I naturally didn't get a response yet, so I looked through some videos while cuddling with some of my plushies. Would it be a bit awkward to show her the plushie video I made. I mean I can only assume most likely. I wonder what Naomi wanted to do today? She likes surfing so maybe that? Granted I wouldn't have anything to wear for that.... So I'll just hope its something else. I cuddle Hatty the bear, my new plushie more tightly. I'm sure whatever Naomi picks will be really fun, I love spending time with her she's really kind, smart, strong and pretty and.. I'll admit not sure what to do with these feelings. I think I love her like romantically but I wouldn't want this friendship to get awkward if she said no. But she bought me this cute bear, that might've been a romantic gesture? A platonic gesture? I have no idea but I don't think I'd be confident enough to ask her out. But if... she was the one to ask me out, swept me off my feet like a princess I'd genuinely be speechless and be hers forever and... I'm getting ahead of myself. Like we are just friends, just 2 girls doing a hangout. I can't assume every bit of affection towards me is romantic. That assumption didn't go me much favours and I'd rather distance from how I thought back then...

A couple of hours pass and I get a reply from Naomi. The phone slid out of my hands and landed on my bed. I slowly picked it up making sure I had a firm grip and checked the message. "I thought maybe we could hangout at my place? I have some food I can cook then we can watch something or play some games whatever works for you :)" Naomi messaged. "I would love to!" I replied quickly. I mis-spelt would as wood but autocorrect saved me from that. "Great, I'll meet you at the park my house isn't too far from there" She replies. Her house... I often forget she lives alone, independent. The bravery to do that is beyond anything I could imagine. But If I were to leave here forever and live somewhere else, would I feel sad or happy? Being far from my dad is a dream come true but my room has always been my room. The specific arrangement, plushies by the window, all my belongings, the somewhat torn carpet, the lines on the wall showing my changes in height.... Just well... I know not being allowed to be me growing up was painful but it wasn't all bad. My childhood was really something to be proud of, those traditions, those habits, things that were always the same. Some of those were really beautiful, even if I couldn't see it like that then. These feelings don't feel fair. A lost a childhood from being trans.... And memories I still want to hold onto. Can I hold on to those positives while moving away from those negatives. Puberty and all things around it scared me. I was so sad, frightened, alone but the other things around me were wonderful. I was forced to play the wrong role but while I was stuck with that role I really... made the most of it. Which in a way is beautiful in its own way even if its a little painful.

This is my room, these are my plushies, this is where I sleep, this is where I've been happy, sad, angry, excited... all of it. But being somewhere new... like a new start for real... I longed for it for so long. In some ways I still want it. I want that freedom to be myself, fully myself. But I'm so scared of things being different even though I want some things to change... Naomi is just stronger than I could ever be... I'd be terrified to do what she is doing now. Yet I'm also kinda jealous....

Upon the wait till it was time to meet her at the park I sat with my plushies looking at videos online. At times in between videos or ad breaks I began doing my vocal exercises. I do these to slowly feminize my voice. I felt nervous ultimately but excited. I can do this, I just need to believe I can. She invited me over, she wants to hangout.