Can I Afford Dreaming? (BTS Added Member)

Lost Dreamer

Appa (Dae's father)

"When I saw Dae on television, I didn't see the hunger in his eyes for the money or the fame. And that was what worried me, the fear in its place."

Other fathers in his years didn't age like him. Maybe they also had shades or colors of white in the once darkening hair. Others may have some lines on their hands where once there was only tight skin. But no, they didn't age like him. Dae's father experienced infidelity and dissatisfaction from the woman who vowed to him forever. They had nothing back then, most things bled out, and yet, she took with her another pillar of the family. One that might've never existed because she was never as committed. But her speaking the words out loud and walking out the door removed the faith that held the corners. And in a way, this was when it all crumbled down. As if the Greek Titan let go of an edge of the sky and gave it to him, and his son. His son who he loves more than anyone in the world is now forced to kneel. The young knees he tried to protect from gashes permanently gritted against the floor of those high and mighty just to survive.

It was not a way to live life but what could they do? They had to survive first before even imagining the luxury of living. And as much as it was a must, the father shed tears through his bleeding factory hands at the thought of making his son go through this. "People used to tell me, it's normal for children to experience poverty. But even if it was normal, I knew deep inside my son doesn't deserve this normal and I cried for not being able to give him more than this borderline of life."

Was it shameful for an old man like him to cry out his heart to a boy near his son's age? In the early days of his life, when he lived for himself then, maybe. But now, now when he almost gave away his dignity to pray for a better life for Dae, he cares less. And so he cries, tears giving away what his calm words do not break. All the while, he has a small smile as he sees the care in this boy's eyes. If he stared at him with such concern, then Dae under his sight was so loved. "I know you understand him, Yoongi. My son does not share a lot but your name equals okay, an okay far better than normal." He startled the boy, he knew that. It was unknown for fathers to take notice of what was unsaid. But he was more than Dae's appa, he was the man who loved Dae more than the other two parents could. "Some days, Dae will be stubborn. He won't accept the stability in where he is now, it breaks his mind, you know. To be so far from normal is so hard for him to understand, but his emotions can sometimes comprehend it."

A father wants his time to run out before his son's. And if it was possible for said child to be successful and happy before that final moment, then it would be the world for him. Before, his ex-wife and he talked about securing Dae with a house, a car, and a job before letting him leave their watch. But she walked out and all that changed. He saw how his boy grew up fast. The small feet walked to the train station to go away from home and work. The tearing eyes looked away from his favorite place, school, to search for labor and money. And how resigned his smile became to let go of dreams. He wanted to say no and tell him to stay at home. But how could he when soon enough, the roof won't be theirs? If he forced Dae to stay, then they'd be together but starve and shiver in the winters. "It was a crazy thought for Seoul to have his needs, the expensive city can provide versus the calmed provincial life. But somehow, it all worked out. He got to eat, someone was kind to give him a place to stay. And along the way, Seoul also allowed him to dream and he met you." His son miles away from him, barely talking and only updating him if he can send money or not for the week. Then one day, the conversation shifted and survival and happiness were both possible at the same time. "Dae is not at that point of acceptance, we both know that. And I believe his mother, and even I, started this worry of forever imbalance and bad luck."

He kept so many notebooks. Most of them had numbers, a list of reasons, lists of finances, a list of costs, etc. Yoongi wondered if Dae broke his silence, he'd recite all he writes. Because if yes, then they burned the same way and for similar reasons. They drowned differently though. While Yoongi strived for satisfaction and authenticity in his music, with scorched words, Dae drowned in all these ways to not fall back into the life he had before. "Many will invalidate his worries if he ever spoke, and so he stays with his rage. And I'm worried, but in a way, it hurts him less, right? He knows they don't know the fear and so he does not allow their opinions to hit him." But it was a lonely way to live. It was a way to consume yourself into crazy.

"And I know I'm placing so much on your shoulder, dear boy. I know for a fact he will scare you and himself." Dae scared Yoongi. But in a way that won't make him run but will make him fight to stay. Loving him, yes loving him was not a privilege for the weak-hearted. It was for those who were stubborn. Those who knew the intensity of hatred and its equivalent to love. And Yoongi believed he was both things. "But you love him and he loves you. And in the world of the ambitious, a lost dreamer can survive if he has love. Then he can thrive when they love him back."

Dae has been a lost dreamer most of his life. There were repercussions in accepting and living with the role. It usually had dreamers begging to slumber for the next lifetime. But maybe he won't have to see his dreams only come true in sleep. Yoongi is surely ready to grant him all these wishes while he has his eyes open. He's accepting the responsibility of loving the lost dreamer back.