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I've been a mess that last four days. If I'm honest, therapy on Monday was intense. It's been a long time since Ava and I started with someone new and Ava is alot more talkative since last time we experienced a first session. Through my short time talking one on one with Dr. Fellows, I realized that I really am feeling overwhelmed, its finally all falling ontop of me now that the hustle has slowed down and I have a moment to really breath and feel safe.
My baseline is anxiety these days, like my strong will has slowly been grinding down while focusing on my little butterfly and giving her exactly what she needs, and some of what she wants. I guess, I hoped it would be different with Henry, like he'd really want to be around, help more, I shouldn't expect it, but I sure as hell hoped...I am so alone and it's exhausting, I miss having a teammate. 'I'm really missing you, June.'
Ava's tiny feet patter onto the bright white tile of Whole Foods as we walk in for weekend groceries, well I walk, she is skipping...in little white clogs, how? I couldn't tell you.
We just finished ballet class at four today and she is already loving it, she is taking to the city well. I have a shoot tomorrow while Avery has orientation for autumn preschool, so I need to get the fridge stocked for a weekend at home alone with her. How strange that feels to say, it's been a while since I felt home. The last three months have been in motels, and weekly pay apartments, I know...I really gotta get it together.
"Mama, this place is giganto! I bet they have those cotton candy grapes, Avery told me about!" Ava beamed at the humongous Whole Foods, I don't know if she's been in a grocery store this big.
"If you find a magic fruit like that, we gotta buy em all!" I joke and toss a head if lettuce and broccoli in the cart. Ava's 'ew' face making an appearance. "Brocolli is sickening!" She sticks her tongue out and scoops a couple apples into the bag I'm holding open for her.
"Brocolli is like eating a tree, I call that nature's innovation," I sing back as I smile down at her. "We get to feel like giants and it helps your heart," I gave her a half smile and she nodded. "Well, all vegetables can help the body, Mom." She stated matter-of-factly and turned around to pick put another apple.
I notice the small pile of green grapes near the end of the product section, "holy guacamole, they have them Ava girl!"
Ava stopped in her tracks, throwing her hands up, "yessss! We have to try them Mom!" I shrug as we both reach for one and bump them. I feel eyes of a few other people but ignore it as I chew the magic little orb.
Holy hell they taste like cotton candy!
"Yum, we need two bags," I smile as I run my hand through her hair.
