I remember the first time my dad hit me , I was alone the night of my 7th birthday, eating cake my grandma had sent over for me earlier that morning , I was used to my father being out late and for as young as I was I ready knew how to take care of myself pretty well so I wasn't worried . He came home like usually around 2am but this time something was different, most of the time he comes home drunk and slips away into his room to pass out after cussing me out a bit , but this time there was no bad smell , no sloppy steps, no slurred words nothing , nothing but silence ....and I was terrified. He simply walked over to me looked me right in eyes , pulled back is hand and swung .
My body flu off the dinning chair and onto the floor , I didn't scream I was too scared to make a sound . I held my hand over my eye and looked up to him . And he just stared at me .
'I wish it was you ' that's what he said ..all he said . Then like normal he went up into his room slamming the door behind him and went to sleep . I stayed on that floor for about another hour before finally getting up and limping to my room . I'd landed on my ankle when I fell and could already feel it as well as my eye puffing up .
No tears came from me that night . What was there to cry about ? My cake that fell with me and was now no good to eat ? I had nothing to cry over because I agreed with him . I wished I was the one who died . I wished at 7 years old I could trade places with my mother . Maybe then my father would have been happier. Little did I know he wanted her gone . His real reason for acting the way he did is because he wished I went with her . I did to . I do to.
I guess that's part of the reason I'm afraid to pursue anything with Jessica . I mean so many people hurt me . Betrayed me . I thought I finally understood love when I was with Mal and I was wrong . I don't think I know what love is anymore . I mean at least not that deep kind . I know my team loves me , I know my grandma did . But do I know how to love them back ? I say I do but I don't know if I feel that way . I care but is that love ? I don't know how to love . And with Jessica I don't want to not be able to love her . God I wanna love her so bad . I just don't know if I can .
" hey kid what's got you deep in thought " hope says sitting next to me on the bus after practice. I've been taking it easy on the Field , Jill's orders . Finals have been pushed back two weeks thanks to some unknown complications. So we are hopping I'll be in shape to play soon .
" I'm just thinking about how my life was before I met you guys , life with my sperm donor and stuff " I say shrugging at her
" oh..are you okay ?" I'm not sure how to answer her question, I mean I feel fine but it's also because I don't feel anything at all .
" yea ...can I ask you something?" I turn my body as much as I can towards her and she nods her head as a way of answering my question . " how do you know when you ...love someone ?"
" umm- I- " hope stutters " well I don't know you just do , everything falls together I guess and love is the only word that comes close to explaining how you feel ? I think " I hum in thought " why do you think you love someone ? "
" I don't know , I think I have a hard time understanding love " I look towards the other girls in their own conversations and smile " I know I care about this team and I can say that I love you guys .. cause that's what I think I'm feeling . But I also don't know if I'm capable of understanding what that means "
" I think....maybe you just need someone to explain it to you in a way that only you will understand" hope places her hand over my shoulder " and only you will know when that is and with who "
" what if I am never able to understand?"
" Jordan your heart is so big even if you can't see it , all of us can " she waves around her " don't let your mind trick you , all your love is in here " she points at my chest " and one day , maybe not now , or soon , maybe in a few years someone is going to come into your life and open your eyes to day , hell maybe you'll do it yourself . The best thing you can do is keep trying " I smile at her words and turn my body back toward the window . Letting my thoughts drift into memories.
YOU ARE READING
chasing dreams
AdventureJordan rosewood never had a easy life most of it was full of pain ,her mother died when she was 8 leaving jordan with her abusive father ,at the age of 12 being put into a orphanage , only family member felt was her grandmother who was to sick to l...
