Fools in Love

3- Sam

⚠️Trigger warning: eating disorder⚠️

Sam

I watched as Noah grabbed a girl's hand and led them away. She was pretty. Really pretty. She had nice, long legs underneath her short leather skirt. I met her a couple times, her name was... something with a C? Maybe an S?

I wanted to throw up, but I also didn't want Noah to see how much that bothered me. It hurt to hear him be so cruel to me and see him with someone else. Not that I didn't deserve it, I knew I hurt him way worse. Didn't he know how much I regretted that? If I could go back in time and not hook up with Noah's friend, I would. But life didn't work that way and karma had a sick way of getting back to remind you of what you've done.

I stood there, my heart squeezing in pain as Noah walked right past me as if I didn't exist and out the front door.

To watch someone who meant so much to me, not wanting to even acknowledge me, was a hard pill to swallow. I made a mistake. Coming here was a mistake. I could be living in an apartment with my boyfriend right now. My boyfriend who I really really liked.

I texted Kai that I was leaving, but before I did, I went to the kitchen, poured myself a shot of tequila and downed it. Outside the house, I called Ben. "Hey, sweetheart," he answered. "You settled into your dorm?"

"Almost. I got invited to this First Saturday party at some frat house. I guess it's like a ritual to-"

"Don't you start School on Monday? You're already partying? Don't get involved in those crowds. It's bad news."

Sometimes I hated how good Ben was. Good in the sense of staying out of trouble. All work, no play. "It's Saturday night. It's not like I'm gonna get fucked up," I said defensively with a harsh tone, but I didn't mean to lash out at him. I was just upset at seeing Noah.

"... are you okay?"

I sighed. Ben seemed to always know when something deeper was bothering me. "I..." Something I forgot to mention to Ben? I was attending the same college my ex boyfriend was. "I'm fine. I'm sorry I was harsh."

"You're not okay. Tell me what happened, babe."

Babe. I didn't know how I felt about that.

Kicking a rock as I walked down the dark pavement towards the apartment building, I said a little nervously, "I have to tell you something..."

"Uh... okay. What's up?"

Rip the bandaid off. Rip the bandaid off. But I couldn't, so instead I said, "I just really miss you."

Ben chuckled softly, "you just saw me a few hours ago."

"Yeah, maybe I should've taken you up on the apartment offer," I jested which was a mistake.

"Please don't joke about that, not unless you're serious. I don't want to get my hopes up." Ben's tone was delicate, but with pain. Like a wounded puppy.

Guilt washed over me. "You're right, I'm sorry. That wasn't fair of me to say." I made my way into my building

"It's okay." There was a moment of silence and I didn't know what else to say, but I didn't have to because after twenty or so seconds, Ben said, "I miss you too." I smiled to myself as I entered the elevator, pressing the '10' button. "So, I actually wanted to take you to a restaurant tomorrow night," my stomach felt woozy. "You don't have school Tuesday, right?"

"Right," I confirmed.

"Perfect, so I can pick you up at seven." And if Ben said seven, he meant exactly seven. He had never been late to any occasion. I knew he secretly hated it when I took longer to get ready, but he waited patiently and still offered me his opinion on my outfits when I would ask. "We'll go to this restaurant, you'll love it, it's Italian- authentic Italian," he pressed excitedly which made me chuckle, but I was glad he wasn't here in person, otherwise he'd know something was off.

He was doing this on purpose, taking me to a restaurant that serves my favorite foods and for what? Did he think that was going to make me magical fall in love with food and *bam* my relationship with food was restored.

But I knew Ben wasn't doing this to be cruel, he was trying to help, so I said, "Sounds good. And then you can spend the night in my dorm?" I suggested with a hint of lust in my tone (and also to change the subject).

"That was my plan," he chirped.

I pulled my dorm room key that was attached to my lanyard- 'Gay Crisis' written in black lettering all around it- and unlocked my door before entering.

"So... what have you eaten today?" I wanted to groan, but I refrained as I set all my stuff down, kicking off my shoes. That was the topic I was trying to avoid. "I had Tropical Smoothie Cafe. Their flatbread sandwich is really good," he told me. "What about you?"

"Um, I had... yogurt which you saw me eat this morning... some of those cashews you bought at the gas station," fuck, I swore I ate more that day.

"Mhm. And then?" He questioned when I didn't continue.

"And then... At the party there was some food." That wasn't a lie... I just didn't eat any of it.

"What kind?"

"Bennnn," That time I did groan. "Do you want me to send you videos of me eating?" I questioned, my mood shifting from annoyance to anger. But I knew I had no right to feel either of those emotions, Ben was only looking out for me.

"Baby, I just want to know you're taking care of yourself and eating. Promise me you'll eat something tonight."

"I-" sighing, I said, "I promise," it wasn't like I didn't know what I was doing was bad. But when you tell yourself food will only make you gain weight and when people say things like, 'wow, you've lost some weight in your face, no more chubby cheeks' (from my grandma), you build this mindset and condition your brain to think, do you see how many calories that is? And you tend to not wanting to eat. And for me, the nauseous, shameful feeling I got every time I ate something over 300 calories, I could do without. But still, I knew it was wrong. "I'm sorry," I murmured.

"You don't have to apologize. I just... I need you to be okay," Ben's voice cracked and I knew he was upset. I hated making him upset.

"I am," I assured, "I'm going to eat. Right now. I actually saw this on TikTok, it's a rice cake with peanut butter, which is protein," I added as if he didn't know. "And I cut up bananas and then top it off with raw honey. It's so good," I said passionately. "And it fills me up. I'm so full afterwards."

"That does sound good."

I smiled, hearing his tone lighten up. "I'm going to make that, but I'll text you?"

"Okay, have a good night, Baby."

"Have a good night," I told him then hung up.

After getting into some comfy clothes- jogger sweatpants and a loose t-shirt- I made the peanut buttery delicious snack I told Ben about. I placed it on a paper plate, and settled into my bed with my food at my side and laptop in front of me.

Pressing 'play' on The Vampire Diaries, I stared at the rice cake for a minute, contemplating.

This is healthy, Sam. Eat it. This is good for you.

I picked it up and took a bite.

**

I have also struggled with food lately, which is obviously not fun. It's like I know I need to eat at least 1,500 calories a day (or something like that) but every time I see something more that 500 calories I'm like nope. And then eating in general makes me feel like shit.

That being said, I'm working on it. One day at a time, I'm trying to rebuild a healthy relationship with food.

If you or anyone else you know is struggling or have struggled with an eating disorder, please reach out to someone you trust who can help and/or get you professional help. (Also, there's a few ppl on Tiktok and Instagram I follow who have really helped me, so lmk through DM if you want their @). 

Idk if any of that was helpful, I'm not really good with comforting words😅

Thank you for reading.

-Xoxo, Bert