Fools in Love

30- Noah

Noah

"Can you chill?" Ciera asked me with a mouth full of the pesto pasta she made for her, Kaitlyn, and I.

"I don't know what you mean. I'm fine," I said but my tone proved otherwise as I sat at the table, moving the pasta around while glaring at the innocent noodles.

"He'll be home tomorrow night," Ciera pointed out and Kaitlyn nodded.

Sam had been gone for two days, spending his time with Boring Ben and his family and who knows what else they were doing, and fucking hell, it was driving me crazy. I knew I had no right to feel that way, but confess your love for me, have sex with me, and then go spend a weekend with Ben? What the fuck is that bullshit?

"Yeah, I'm sure Boring Ben will let him leave his sight," I muttered, I could just picture Ben's whiny voice begging Sam to stay the night again.

"Can you really blame Sam?" Kaitlyn asked me. "What if my grandma died when you were trying to break up with me? Would you have stayed to support me or dump me anyway?"

"That's different," I said matter-of-factly, but I knew it wasn't.

And watching Ciera roll her eyes and hearing Kaitlyn sigh, the logical part of me knew I was wrong. But the angry part of me wanted to argue more. "No it's not," Ciera said, "You care about Kaitlyn as much as Sam probably cares about Ben."

I scoffed.

"Noah," Kaitlyn gave me her disapproval tone that she used to give me all the time in our past relationship.

"Whatever," I said shoving my plate away from me, "I'm leaving. I'll be back later," I tolde them as I stood up, grabbing my wallet and keys in the process.

"Where are you going?" My ex asked me at the same time as Ciera.

"I'm buying weed from Wes, I'll be back," I answered with a shrug like it was no big deal.

"Hey, no," Ciera shook her head as she stood up, she pointed a firm finger at the chair I was just sitting at. "Sit your ass back down. You know that's a bad idea and if I'm not mistaken, didn't you say that Sam didn't want you seeing him even if it was to just buy weed?"

"And I wanted him to break up with Ben," I murmured under my breath. I knew I wasn't being fair, I was being an asshole. I just couldn't help the urge to piss off Sam the way he pissed me off. But, I knew better, which was why I sat back down as Ciera instructed.

"Don't be stupid, Noah. Going to Wes will only lead him on and hurt Sam." Ciera spook pointedly, making sure I heard every word.

Even though she was right, I rolled my eyes anyway. "Fine," I got up because I couldn't sit still, "I'm going to my room," I said while heading there and shutting my bedroom door closed once I entered.

"Call Dr. Zinko!" Ciera yells through the door.

I clicked on Sam's contact again and pressed the 'call' icon. It rang twice before I heard, "Hey, you reached Sam. Umm... leave a message and I'll-" I hung up.

He sent me to voicemail. I groaned and laid down on my bed.

*

My nose tickled from the citrusy scent, and it was giving me a headache "I don't like this new scent," I protested, scrunching my nose. "And this location sucks," I added in dismay.

"It's just until they finish the remodeling," Dr. Zinko explained. "Then I'll be back at the office on Central. I can turn off the diffuser. You don't like orange?" I watched as my therapist reached for the white glowing thing that was spewing out soft, orange scented clouds into his small temporary office.

I shrugged, "I guess it's fine. I liked the lavender." It wasn't really the essential oil that was giving me a headache; I was already irritated before I walked into his office twenty minutes ago.

"I'll remember that for next time, but I think you're really just avoiding what asked. Why is that?"

I sighed, "Because, you're right, okay? What I texted him was shitty." Ciera was right; while Sam was away comforting Boring Ben, it was best to call Dr. Zinko before my self-destructive thoughts could ruin what Sam and I were so close to having again.

"I didn't say shitty, but I think you can agree it was unnecessary and was intended to guilt trip Sam, yes?"

Ugh. It was times like this Dr. Zinko irked me because of how right he is.

Nonetheless, I crossed my arms and responded; "It was the truth. I'm not going to have a good night knowing he's in bed with someone else."

There was a pause as my therapist gave me his usual I'm studying you look. "How'd you sleep last night?" He asked.

I opened my mouth, then shut it because yeah, I slept fine, but "I went to bed angry," is what I said, even though I knew that wasn't the point.

"And did you end up seeing Wes?" Dr. Zinko asked.

I sat up, uncrossing my arms as I spoke, "No, I don't even know why I said that. I don't care to see Wes. I want do things different this time and be better for myself and Sam, but it's like my first thought is always to just fuck up."

"Hm," Dr. Zinko pondered for a second. "Why do you think that is?"

"Ha," I laughed, "maybe because I fucking hate myself and don't think I deserve Sam anyway?" My heart sank because even though I spoke that as a joke, I knew how true it was.

Running my hand through my hair, I leaned back against the leather seat. "Fuck," I breathed out, "I really don't deserve him," I repeated, looking at Dr. Zinko then grabbed at my chest, "But I feel like I can't breathe without Sam. Life is a mind-numbing blur without Sam. And I don't care if that's dramatic as fuck, that's how it feels," I stressed, getting worked up. Taking a deep breath, I grabbed a fidget gadget from a wicker bin and turned my focus on that. "And without Sam... I'm just..."

I didn't know what word I was thinking of, so I tried to picture it. Life without Sam. Everything is dull and colorless. Everything tastes bad. Everything moves slower. Everything is nothing without Sam.

"Lost," I settled on.

At the end of my session with Dr. Zinko, he told me my "assignment" until next time, is to try to recognize unnecessary comments and being more aware of how I respond. Easier said than done. He also told me to start saying positive affirmations to myself everyday. I told him, "that's a lot of homework, Doc." But, I guess maybe he had some good advice.

I was telling him the truth; I want to do better by Sam. Doing so, I know I need to put my ego aside and be patient.

***

Okay so not completely different, but I wanted to add this for Noah.

I can't say when more chapters will be released but I promised you guys I'd have it finished by this year and I'm going to stick to that.

I appreciate you all <3

P.S: I reread the 2nd book and I am so sorry, I must've been mad depressed and took it out on Noah🫣he's so angry like that entire book.

-Xoxo, Bert