I Needed You

conscious

Within a split second, you were gone.

You ran like a cat that was startled from the drop of a pan on the kitchen floor. I heard it so clearly, the desperate cries and guilty apologies.

I couldn't see you, but I could imagine the regret on your face as you walked out of the door. This wasn't the first time you left, and I knew it wasn't going to be the last so I'm waiting. I've been waiting for a while now, and I figured you wouldn't come back this time. You've been gone a lot longer than the last few times.

I'm confused, you said you'd come back and each time before you stood by your words but is this time not valid enough? Was the yelling too much? Of course we'd stabbed each other plenty of times with our words but is this wound fatal?

I'm still waiting, here in this darkness. My front door is still wide open and if it shuts you have the spare key. At least I hope, and if not there's one under the mat. You have my heart and I wouldn't trade anything in the world for that. But I'm still waiting for you to do the same. I'm still waiting for our sunshine to come and the rain to go away. I'm still waiting for our big break on Broadway and not to continue hiding behind the curtain. I'm still waiting on you.

I'm still waiting on you to accept me for who I am. I'm still waiting for you to believe in me and tell me my ideas aren't stupid. I'm still waiting. I could so choose to slame the front door shut and lock the back door and change the locks and nail every window shut. But I won't.

I'm still waiting for you to make me. I'm still waiting on you to realize where I've been standing this entire time. By your side, even though I can't speak and you can't hear what I have to say.

I'm still waiting on you to see that I'm not walking out of your front door like you did to mine. And if i did i would quietly close it behind me. Because I know that you would never wait on me if I was the one to leave. I know that you would never cry for me if I was the one to leave. I know, yes I know that you would never leave me a spare key. No, you, you would change the locks and add a security alarm, nail every single window shut. You would even put a lock on your bedroom door. You would shut me out.

But me? I'm still waiting and I'll continue to wait until I hear the familiar car engine roll up my driveway. Until I hear the familiar footsteps stepping on my proch. Until I hear the familiar keys jingle at the lock. I'll wait. I just wanted you to know that I'm still waiting.

I knew that being in this darkness was something like no other. I could hear his frantic shouts, and I could just barely feel the tears that dropped onto my hand as he held it to his face.

I couldn't speak, I couldn't breathe. I felt dead. I wish I was dead.

I didn't want to be in a world where I had to admit that I've been cheated on. I didn't want to deal with that burden.

It's embarrassing, honestly. I was so stupid to think that I could change him for the better, and I thought I had for so long. Even as I was sitting there crying when I dumped her shampoo down the drain.

The feeling of wanting to puke as I thought of the scent of her strawberry shampoo, and how he had liked strawberries because they were the perfect hangover snack.

Something I noticed he ate often.

It was as if I accomplished something but nothing at all. I learned a lesson, that's for sure. I can't comprehend how I was in such a mindset before.