I Needed You

14

I remember one time I was looking through the boxes I had stored away in my house.  They were simply there because I couldn't bear the memories that were attached to them.

But I needed the pain, deserved the pain.

So I opened the box. My box of letters.

I grabbed the first one my fingertips touched, unfolding it and reading it to myself.

There is a girl who everyone sees. Chasing after her likes she's just simply a piece of meat. There is a girl who has big dreams. She plans one day to hopefully have them be her reality. There is a girl who protects her heart, she's only afraid of it falling apart. There is a girl who knows who she is. No one says anything, but I think she's a true gift. There is a girl who downs her reflection. Letting horrible words tear her apart until she begs for redemption. There is a girl who likes to stay hidden. Only because she's afraid of letting poison sink in. There is a girl who fears of rejection. She never wants someone to love only her complexion. There is a girl with an amazing personality. One that no one ever sees because they never dig deep. There is a girl who stays true. She only seeks out for the real you. There is a girl who keeps her feelings hidden, only until she is sure you won't forbid them. There is a girl who's hearing this now. But she'd never find out who's written this out. And to that girl I love you and the way you are. I pray we never drift apart.

Cause I love you. Remember that.

 - Taylor

* * *

"Oh my god," A tear escaped my eyes as I gripped my stomach, holding onto the kitchen counter with my free hand.

"Shit, Taylor are you alright?" Sam, who had been helping me cook grilled cheese and soup for lunch, walked quickly over to me and rested his hand on my back.

"My stomach hurts so fucking bad," I said with a gasp as another stab of pain shot through me, "I don't know what's going on. Do you want me to get Katrina?"

"She's not home," I pointed out, crouching down on the floor and wrapping my arms around my body in an attempt to comfort myself, "Nobody is,"

We were going to surprise everyone when they got home with some lunch. Colby was out with Amber according to Sam, and wouldn't be home until late tonight since she lives so far away from the traphouse.

The girls weren't home because they were doing a shopping video for someone's Youtube channel. The only reason Sam was home was because he was supposed to go to a meeting that got cancelled.

"Should I call someone?" He asked as I cried out, biting my bottom lip.

"I just need some water. Can I have some water? Please?" Before my sentence was over, Sam had a cup of water and was crouched in front of me, even being generous enough to tilt the cup for me.

"Why don't we go lay down on the couch. You want to lay down on the couch?" I appreciated how he was babying me even though under normal circumstances I would want to slap him. But I felt like I could hardly hear the pain was so damn bad.

"Please," I nodded. It felt like begging was all that I could do.

Respectfully, Sam grabbed my forearms to help me to my feet. Due to just getting his back brace off a couple weeks ago, he was in no condition to pick up a full grown woman.

By the time we got to the couch in the living room, my stomach was hurting so bad all I could do was cry and breathe. Even that was a challenge. I felt like I needed to puke, but I knew I had nothing in my stomach.

'I need you to calm down, okay? I'm going to call nine-one-one," Sam kepts his hand on top of mine, using the other to type something into his phone.

"No, no no. I can't, I can't. It hurts," I whined out, "It hurts just make it stop. Please! Please just make it stop, it hurts. It hurts so bad I can't breathe. I can't, okay? There's nothing I can do. I just want all this pain to go away,"

"I know, I know," Sam cooed, trying his best to stay calm for my sake which I appreciated, "I'm going to call Kat, okay?"

He put the phone on speakerphone, and within two rings she picked it up.

"Hello?" She asked, and the boy switched his position so I was closer to the phone.

"Hey, can you talk to Taylor? She's in a lot of pain right now and we don't know what to do," He explained and brought the microphone of the phone to my face.

"What's going on, Taylor?" She asked, her tone laced with worry.

"I don't know, my stomach hurts I just want it to stop," I stuttered, squeezing my eyes shut as pain shot through my insides.

"Taylor," She said suddenly, her voice dropping, "The baby.  Are you cramping really bad?"

I nodded, unable to speak as I opened my mouth to take a breath.  Sam seemed to notice this and answered for me, "Yeah, that's how it started,"

"Shit," She seemed to pull the phone away from her face before continuing because her voice was quieter and I could hear shuffling to replace it.

"What's happening, Kat? I'm confused," Sam's eyebrows furrowed and I glanced over at him.

"The doctor said this would happen.  The baby's," She paused, hesitating when she spoke, "the baby isn't going to be alive for much longer,"

"No!" I cried out, "You're wrong, Kat!  The baby's fine! I'm fine, I ate Taco Bell last night, that's all it is!"

"Taylor," She said, managing to keep her patience through my anger, "I know you're upset, but we all knew this was going to happen,"

"I HATE HIM!" I screamed, causing Sam to pull the phone back away from my mouth in surprise, "I HATE THE MOTHERFUCKER THAT DID THIS TO ME! I HATE HIM," I snapped my head at Sam, "DO YOU HEAR ME?"

Sam whispered something into the phone before throwing it to the side, pulling me towards him.

As soon as I was in his arms, with my hands wrapped around him, I began to cry.  He let me cry, rubbing my back soothingly.  

Sam didn't try to stop me, to try and calm me down.  He just let me fall apart.

I wasn't any better by the time Katrina came home, with Corey and Jake.

I felt like a baby doll when I was put in Corey's arms, and I was only there because Sam needed to clean up the food we were going to make.

Corey and I really hadn't talked much since the other night, but it wasn't for any specific reason.

I didn't move, eventually the tears stopped along with my will to live.

But I didn't have the will or the wish to do anything about it.

October 29th, 2020