We'll Have Our Little Secret

Chapter 21- Selfish Words

Just say it already.
I'm sitting here with Ross, watching him paint. I was going to help him, but he told me to try and stay off my leg as much as possible. To be honest, I haven't been paying it much of my mind.

Just tell you have to leave.
I say again to myself.
"Ross..." I start, but I immediately regret it. I'm not ready to tell him.

He turns around and stares at me. He smiles for a minute, making his brown eyes sparkle when he talks.

"What is it, Laur?" He asks.

"I'm leaving." I say before I have time to think it through. He just looks at me confused.

"Ok. Be careful on your way home." He says offering me his hands so he can help me up. Once I'm up on my feet, I shake my head.

"No, you don't understand what I'm saying." I explain, and this time he just stays quiet.

I take in a deep breath while looking down, and then I look back up to meet his gaze. One of the things I have always loved about him, is that his eyes are always so full of passion, and love. It makes my heart melt just standing here and looking at him. But then it also breaks my heart, because I know what I have to do.

"I have to leave. Out of state." I say. He doesn't move.

"What? Why?" He asks.

"It's Jack..." I say looking down, but he uses his hand to lift my chin up so our eyes can meet again.

"For how long?" He asks.

"It could be as little as a few weeks..." I say, and he smiles a little.

"Or as long as a few years." I finish. His smile fades away, and pain replaces it.

"Years?" He asks. I nod.

He takes a step back, and stares at me for a minute. He walks over to the step by the door, and sits down, putting his face in his hands. I walk over, and sit down next to him. I take one of his hands, and entwine it with mine.

"Ross, we'll be ok-"

"I can't be here without you. Especially not for a few years." He says cutting me off. He lifts his face up so he can look at me, and I notice he has a tear stain on one of his cheeks.

"How far?" He asks.

"Houston, Texas." I say. He lets go of my hand and stands up.

"Gosh dang it Laura." He says lifting his hands and putting them behind his head in frustration.

"It's not my choice, Ross. Jack has gotten really bad lately, and they have to send him to this special hospital. Apparently his cancer has gotten out of hand, and a couple other things that I don't understand." I explain. He turns around to face me.

"Why do you have to go? Can't you just stay?" He asks. He's not being fair.

"No." I say. He stares at me for a minute.

"No?" He asks surprised. "Do you not want to stay here?" He asks. I sigh in frustration.

"Ross, he's my family. I have to go." I say.

"What about us?" He asks.

"What about it?" I ask. He puts his hands above his head again.

"It won't last if you leave." He says.

"We can call, and keep in touch." I say.

"But we won't see each other. It won't last." He says.

"We could still see each other." I say.

"Once a year isn't going to cut it Laura." He says angry now.

"Ross, this is ridiculous. I'm not going to argue over this with you." I say. He puts his hands down again.

"What do you expect to happen while you're gone? We won't see each other, and we'll argue constantly. What will happen then?" He asks. This makes me mad too.

"Why are you jumping to conclusions? Who said anything bad like that was going to happen?" I ask.

"You know it will." He says.

"So you don't even have faith in our relationship anymore?" I ask.

"Don't put words in my mouth." He says. We're both yelling at each other now.

"You know, I thought you would be kind and gentle about this. You would help me get through all of this with Jack, but yet you're being selfish." I spat at him.

"You're the one who's not even thinking about our relationship!" He spits back.

"Because family comes first." I say.

"I think of you as my family. I don't have anyone else." He says.

"I know right Ross. I know you had a bad childhood, but that isn't what this is about right now." I say. I stare at him for a minute, and he looks down. I could tell I cut him deep, and I feel a pain of guilt shoot through me.

"I have to worry about what's going on with my family right now, and what they need. Right now, Jack need's me. So that's what I'm going to do." I say.

"Why are you still here then?" He asks looking up at me. That cut me deep. I sand there trying to think of something to say, so I say the only thing that I know is left to say.

"To make sure you know we're finished." I say. I could tell he was a little shocked by what I said, but he didn't show it too much.

"You know the way out." He says. I walk past him, not even taking another glance, or saying a "Goodbye". Just walking past him.

I get into the truck, and bring it to life as rain starts to hit the windshield. I pull out from the driveway of the house, and start on the highway toward home.

Tears start to run down my cheeks, and I would yell things every once in awhile. I pull over to the side of the road, and put my face in my hands. I let all of my tears out. I let out everything that just happened. One minute I'll be crying, and then the next I'll be screaming things that I know I don't mean, but right now, they feel so right to say.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Not too much later, I finally arrive home. I waited long enough that the tear stains on my cheeks would be gone, and the red puffiness would be faded from crying. I walk inside, and Hannah is the first thing I see. She's putting a couple bags by the door.

"Are you packed yet?" She asks not even bothering to ask where I've been.

"No. Not yet." I say. I've been so busy being focused on other things, I haven't really had time to think about it.

"Well we're leaving not tomorrow, but Thursday," She says turning around and walking back towards her and Jack's bedroom.

"I already have the plane tickets, so you should start packing." She says. I nod, and walk back towards my bedroom.

I open the door to my room, and as soon as I'm in, I shut the door again. I stand there for a minute listening to the sound of the rain hit the roof. It's a peaceful sound that you could fall asleep to. I look around my bedroom, staring at everything I've collected for it, that has remained untouched since I left for college. My eyes stop at my nightstand next to my bed, where a picture frame is standing up. I walk over to it, and rest my hand on the top of it. In the frame, is a picture of Ross and I.

It was a picture Hannah took of us right after I got out of the hospital. We were standing by each other, but he had his arm around my waist to help support my weight because of my leg. It was on of my favorite pictures of us. I feel a tear slide down my cheek, and I pull the frame towards me, making it face down to where I can't see it anymore. I wipe the tear away from my cheek, and lay down on my bed.
Tomorrow will be better.