Xiao hunts Childe for sport

6

"Fucking shit." Xiao decides quickly that the kitchen is his enemy. He also quickly learns that he should never attempt to make something that isn't almond tofu. "Piece of shit kitchen." He growls, looking at the charred mess that was supposed to be bacon.

He doesn't even like meat! Aether better be fucking grateful-

"Xiao, what are you doing?" Xiao turns around only to see Childe wearing Zhongli's clothes. With Zhongli holding his hand practically smelling like a smug bastard.

Suddenly, stabbing Childe AND Zhongli has gotten appealing.

"Sacrificing your soul to the Abyss." Xiao says, sounding perfectly serious and threatening.

Paimon, who just flew in as well, squeaks at that and flies out again. Well then.

"...Neat." Childe nods and shit Xiao can't stop looking at his stupid clothes. Zhongli what the fuck. Why must you do this? Be possessive somewhere else with anyone else but CHILDE.

Xiao puts the pan down. Deciding to prepare anything with meat was a bad idea in the first place. Almond tofu it is. "Get out."

"Xiao." Zhongli says his name like a disappointed parent. Xiao instantly tenses up. "Childe is very accomplished in the kitchen."

"Absolutely not." Xiao knows where this is going and he does not like it. "That's illegal. You can't do this-"

"How about you cook something together?" Xiao is about to protest but the look in Zhongli's eyes stops him. He's serious about this. "I'm sure Aether would appreciate it as well."

Xiao wishes he were anywhere else. "...Fine." He gives in at the end. Xiao knows that if Zhongli wants something he'll get it in the end. Well, if he wants things from Xiao anyway. He has always been terrible in denying Zhongli. That doesn't mean he'll come quietly. Zhongli will have to drag him through this bullshit kicking and screaming.

"Zhongli, did you just sign me up to show Xiao cooking?" Childe's easy-going voice grates on Xiao's ears. He wants that twink obliterated. Maybe he could throw him out of the window? He never promised to play nice.

Zhongli nods and produces a pink frilly apron out of nowhere. Xiao's eye twitches. So that's his agenda here. Xiao has to destroy that atrocity even if it costs him his life.

"Wear this, Childe." Childe blinks rapidly at Zhongli's words, taking the apron off his hands in obvious confusion. By the Archons, did Zhongli have to have feelings for such an oblivious bitch?

"Oh, yeah, don't want your clothes getting dirty." Childe puts on the apron, struggling to tie it in the back. Zhongli comes to the rescue, tying it with a cute bow.

Xiao wants to retch and claw his eyes out. Where is Aether? Someone save him. This is too sappy. Zhongli even pats his shoulder for fucks sake.

"I will go on a walk - perhaps Aether will want to come with me." Zhongli says, just as Aether comes down the stairs, blinking sleepily.

Aether takes a double-take as they see Xiao and Childe. They sigh, shake their head, and turn to Zhongli. "You know what? Sure, I should leave the war zone before something explodes."

Xiao supposes that's fair but he still feels betrayed. He glares at Aether silently, his eyes conveying the message Please don't leave me alone with that idiot.

Aether doesn't seem to get it or they value their mental health like a normal person. They leave the house with Zhongli, Paimon trailing after them like a lost puppy.

Xiao holds back a sigh and turns to look at Childe.

Childe puts down a rather fancy looking small box at the table and Xiao eyes it warily. It doesn't seem like something a Fatui would have, but he shall remain cautious. What if it's some kind of contraption designed to kill them all? Maybe poison to murder them with?