Can You Hear the Ocean?

Chapter 46

Mia sat on the couch with a bowl of hot ramen on her lap. She sipped slowly, allowing the broth to gradually warm her body. Outside, there was no snow floating down from the sky like the evening before; however, a fine layer now coated the ground, and remembering her childhood winters in Maine, Mia assumed the snow would remain there until the springtime.

Mia tried to keep her attention focused on the television, but as she continued eating, her gaze drifted toward the glistening Christmas tree in the corner that she and Leila had decorated together over the weekend.

Leila.

Mia knew she'd had her interview by now. She'd texted her a few hours earlier to ask how it went, but Leila strangely hadn't replied.

They probably offered her the job on the spot, and she's busy signing paperwork, Mia thought.

Fuji was curled next to Mia's knee, sleeping peacefully. Mia wondered how he'd deal with the move. After all, he'd only ever known the walls of this very apartment complex. Mia glanced around. As she took in the ambience of the apartment, she thought she surely would miss this place. It had felt like home to her for the past few months. She would be sad to leave it behind, but most of all, she'd be sad to leave Leila behind with it.

Her bowl of top ramen now drained, Mia gently set it down on the coffee table and leaned back into the couch. Slowly, she traced one of her fingers over her lips, the same lips Leila had been kissing the day before.

Mia stood up slowly and walked over to the patio. She stared outside at the Christmas lights on their patio and sighed. All Mia had thought about since Leila had left was their kiss, as selfish as it was. Mia wanted to kiss her again, and again, and again until they were both out of breath, but she knew that would be selfish. The only reason she had stopped herself from returning Leila's feelings the night before was that she thought it wouldn't be fair to Leila and that it would influence Leila to stay.

Mia pressed her hand against the cold patio door. Of course she wanted Leila to stay. She loved Leila. She knew that now, but the timing hadn't worked out. Mia had wasted her months with Julian, ignored Leila's feelings, and now, Leila was off to bigger and better things without Mia by her side.

Mia returned to the couch and was surprised as Fuji climbed into her lap. Mia stroked him slowly, listening to his purrs vibrate against her.

"What do I do, Fuji?" she asked sadly.

For so long, Mia had always assumed her feelings for Leila had been merely platonic. In a sense, Leila had briefly felt like a mother to her, bringing her the love and comfort that no one had since her mother's death. But those feelings had quickly evolved, Mia realized now. As the air grew cold and the leaves changed, Mia had felt her feelings gradually transform. She had always appreciated Leila's presence, but now, Mia had craved it constantly. She wasn't sure what had been wrong with her. It felt selfish, always wanting Leila to herself. She'd felt even more selfish admitting to herself that she'd rather spend time with Leila than Julian when they were still dating. During the autumn, however, she'd always been able to use her and Julian's relationship as a distraction from her feelings toward Leila.

And then Leila had confessed. Mia supposed she had always known that Leila liked her romantically, but in the moment, she was too in shock to say much else. She didn't feel ready to return Leila's feelings, not when she was already in a relationship, and once that relationship with Julian had ended and Mia's feelings grew out of proportion, it was too late. Leila was already going after the job in Connecticut.

"I can't tell her how I feel," Mia murmured as she continued stroking Fuji. "If I told her, she'd drop everything to be here with me. I know she would. I couldn't ask her to do that. She needs to be out doing better things. I'll be okay on my own. I always have."