Unique

Chapter 10-

The sun was gone and the cold air was brutal. I zip up my jacket all the way, and then start walking fast down the street. I pass people swerving and hollering. I keep my head down. I let my body lead me, my thoughts struggle for control, I can’t let them win. I hear the faint whispers of the past, and the words of the pain. I clinch my teeth, it’s harder this time. I look up and see where my subconscious has taken me. I close my eyes, and walk to the wall; I slide down it till I’m sitting on the street. I look at my balled up fists and slowly uncurl my fingers, blood streams down the lines in my palms. I feel it choking up in me.

I get up and take a deep breath, I need to get away from this place. Slowly, I walk away. The world starts going blurry, I dig in my pockets and pull out my music player, and jam the head phones in my ears. I press play. The music starts with a heavy guitar and a loud raspy voice screaming, the bass fills my body. I breathe it in, deep and slow, I let it fill me. But it’s not enough. I stop in my tracks, and turn back. I take a few steps and the pain grows. A few more, my breathing is now ragged. I start sprinting towards the place that has haunted me. I run through the old rusted gate, the stones are a blur and the trees are just lines. I stop running. Slowly and carefully I turn to my right. The pain in my chest is intense. My mind spins around and goes through the forbidden doors.

Suddenly my legs feel numb; I drop to my knees in front of the grave stone. I grab my head in my hands and bring it down to my knees. I grip my hair, teeth clinched. The smell of dirt fills my nose and mouth. It was a mistake coming in. My mind flashes to images of rain. I push it down, choking on it on its way down. It’s down. Then it kicks back: a pain induced scream wreaks through my body. My hand finds my arm and grips it. I get up slowly. No, more. No more weakness, I promise. I start towards the gate in a careful and controlled walk. I notice the music is still pounding in my ears once I pass the gates, I shove the memory down. No weakness ever existed.

 I still feel the pain, ripping at my chest. I walk towards the city; my feet pound the cement with the beats. The lights of the city grow brighter.  I see groups of people wobbling along on the sidewalk. I follow them. Stalking the little mice.

I take out my head phones. I could hear the repulsive music pouring out of the building. I walk through the sparkly doors. The flashy lights try to mask the ugly drunk faces of the clubbers. I walk through the crowd, its sweaty desperation filling my nostrils.  I push through roughly; I hear a belt of objection. I push through rougher.

Finally, I reach the staff door. When the door closes the music is muffled. I breathe a small sigh of relief. The room is dark and musky. There were a couple of shelves of CDs, and a shelf of cleaning supplies. I spot another door and go through it. I follow the small rough hallway and find the back stage, on the other side the curtains the amateur DJ leads the lemmings in their ritual dance. I take out my lighter from my pocket. I bend down to the hem of the heavy curtains.

The memories flash through my mind, the pain rips anew in my body.

I click down the lighter, a small flame appears.

The new dirt falls on the coffin.

I move the lighter forward.

Jonny’s pained face.

A bit closer.

I sign the paper.

Closer.

Crumpled up in front of the grave-stone.

Then I set fire to it all.

The curtains go up in a flame, and I stand back and watch it burn.

I watch all of it burn.

The pain.

The memories.

The weakness.

All gone up in flames.