Beyond Saturation

I

21 July 2016

"Papa," Junha called out when he and Taehyung went up to the terrace for a small sunset walk that evening. 

"Hmm?"

"When are we going back home?" 

"Why? You miss Appa?" 

"No, of course not. I was just wondering how long we would be free like this. We have to go back though, right?" 

Taehyung stopped his lips from pulling up in a surprised but sad smile. Why was his son so mature? Maybe the atmosphere at home made him so mature at such a young age. 

"You are right. We have to return, of course. He's your Appa too, remember? He'll miss us otherwise," he said. 

"Oh, he doesn't miss us," Junha said, waving his hand off-handedly. Taehyung frowned. "What makes you say that?" he asked. Was there something he knew that Taehyung didn't know?

"He didn't call us even once all these days. He would have if he missed us, right? He didn't even say sorry for that day," Junha said and once again, Taehyung felt surprised by how Junha's way of thinking seemed a little advanced for his age. 

"Maybe he's just busy. You know he's busy all the time. Maybe he's feeling bad that he isn't able to contact us because of his work. We never know. Don't judge a book by its cover, okay?" he said. 

Junha just shrugged. "Say whatever you want. I don't like him. He's bad."

Taehyung took a deep breath and let it out slowly. "I told you many times, Junha. He is not a bad man. He just has a few bad days. He is a nice man. Don't let anything change that in your mind. He is a nice man. He is a nice father. Nothing else matte-"

"But he isn't a nice husband," Junha shrugged again. 

This time, Taehyung had no retort anymore. He had nothing to say to change his son's view on his husband. His words got stuck in his throat. His eyes teared up, but with utter force, he stopped the tears from coming out. 

"We can't do anything about that," he whispered and looked away. 

Maybe it was because Junha sensed his father's discomfort at the topic or maybe Junha himself didn't know what to say anymore, but he didn't continue talking about his father. Instead, he brought up his mother. 

"So...that day, Appa mentioned that lady being my mother...do you know anything more?" he asked. 

"She..." Taehyung bit his lip nervously. The whole purpose of him asking Junha to pretend to be asleep that day was to make sure Junha didn't meet her. He was just possessive of the one person in his life who mattered. Call him bad, call him mad, but Junha was HIS son and nothing could change that. He didn't want it to change. 

"She is your biological mother, but she doesn't matter, alright? She gave you up right after you were born, saying she couldn't take care of you, so she doesn't matter either, okay? If you still wanna know about her, it's your wish, but I don't like it," he said. 

"Oh...do you know who my father is, then?" 

"Hmm...I don't. Let's keep it that way, shall we? When the time's rig-"

"It's Appa, right?" 

Taehyung's head whipped towards Junha in shock. Just how? Junha seemed to have read the shock and confusion on his features, because a few seconds of staring at him later, he shrugged again. "It wasn't rocket science. Appa always comes home smelling of a perfume that even my English Ma'am uses. It isn't hard to figure out," he shrugged again. 

This time, Taehyung let his tears fall down. Even his son figured out how messed up his life was with his husband and here he was, still not understanding what to do with his life. He felt embarrassed to even look at his son. 

Why? Why did his son have to be so mature? Why couldn't he be the innocent Junha that he remembered? Why did he have to show signs of growing up? Why did he have to remind Taehyung of how close he was to becoming independent?

He just opened his mouth to say something back when his phone rang, saving him from the embarrassment of having to explain his husband's cheating affair to his son, but his heart dropped when he looked at the caller ID. 

'Speak of the devil,' he thought. 

"Put it on speaker," Junha whispered with his eyes wide, but Taehyung shook his head firmly. He refused to let his son in on his matters with his husband more than he already seemed to know. "You know more than you need to already, baby, I don't like that. Go downstairs, I'll call you if he wants to talk to you," he said. 

Junha pouted but listened right away. He hated making Taehyung sad, after all. Jeongguk was already making him sad. He didn't want to add to his father's problems too. 

Taking a deep breath, Taehyung answered the call. "Hello, seobang-nim."

"When are you coming back?" Jeongguk asked without greeting back. 

"I don't know. When do you want me to come back?" Taehyung asked lifelessly. 

"Come back quick. Aren't you going to think about me? Who is going to make me food if you go and sit with your parents or brother or whoever you are with?! You want me to starve and die of hunger, is that it?!"

"I thought Aera-ssi's living with you?" Taehyung asked, maintaining his cool. 

"You think I'm a slut like you?! She left right away!! Who told you she was living with me?!" 

"E-Eomeonim."

"Just because she came for tea the next day and talked things over with me doesn't mean she is staying with me," Jeongguk said and Taehyung could imagine him rolling his eyes, "come home soon instead of being more useless than you already are.....and I'm sorry for that day."

Taehyung froze at the last words, too shocked that his husband said SORRY to realize that Jeongguk had hung up right away. His eyes teared up again. When had his husband ever said sorry to him?! Never. 

And just like that, his entire resolve of wanting to stay at Daegu for the entire week melted. He rushed downstairs to inform his brother that he was going to leave the next day. 

He wondered why he was so easy. He wondered why it was so easy to melt him with just a single sorry. 

He wondered why he was like this, but still, he left the next day with Junha after promising his brother a thousand times that he wouldn't do anything stupid and that he would talk to him every night.