Beyond Saturation

Epilogue

13 June 2017

Seokjin spent a few seconds frowning at the mysterious post he received from someone he didn't know. There wasn't even a return address on it.

It was the weekend, and he had just finished cooking with Junha when Dohyeon announced that there was a post for him from someone named Kim Hansung. Namjoon frowned from the couch, putting the news on the TV on mute, but let Seokjin open the letter on his own. 

"Just open and read it," he said and that served as the nudge for Seokjin to open it. He walked over to the couch and sat down to read it with Dohyeon and Junha settling behind the couch to read it over his shoulder. 

'Dear hyung' it said. 

Seokjin frowned. How come this person was calling him 'dear' and 'hyung' when he didn't even know him?

How are you? And Namjoon hyung? And Dohyeonie? And Junha?

I am fine.

I believe that anything that fails thrice isn't something that we are meant to do. It's god's input if he stops us from doing something thrice. Especially if it happens miraculously. 

It's okay if you don't understand what I'm trying to say, but I hope you do. Because only then, you will know who I am. 

It took me a lot of courage to write this letter to you and let you know of my existence, so I hope you don't tear it up in anger, lol. 

Seokjin didn't understand. 

He looked up at his husband but ended up frowning more at the look of utter shock and the slightest trace of upcoming tears in Namjoon's eyes.

Let me clarify stuff for you before you get an aneurysm wondering what's going on.

When the sea didn't let me die for the third time in a row, I decided to just let that idea go and live new. With absolutely no link from my old life. I just wanted to run away from everything. EVERYTHING. I supposed that would be equal to killing myself too. Because that would mean rebirth. And that idea tempted me too. 

I am sorry for the sorrow I've put you through all these months with my 'death'. I'll never be able to make up for that, but please know that I regret it very badly. 

But I really needed it to let go of everything that has happened to me. Any link to my old life would have prevented me from getting better. The humiliation and embarrassment of being rescued from such a situation were all that I could think of when I was around you guys. 

I am better now. And I realized just how stupid I've been when I was with that person, and that everything would have been fine if I had only gathered up a little courage and reported him to the cops, but I also can't blame myself. Now that I'm a lot better than I was back then, it is obviously easy for me to think I was being stupid. But in that situation, I was scared, and I can never invalidate that. 

Suicide is never a solution to problems, I know that too, but at that time, I wasn't looking for a solution. Divorce was my solution. That didn't work. I was only looking for relief. And I thought this life wouldn't provide me with that anymore. 

And I was right. 

Now that I've changed my identity and life, it feels much better. 

So please forgive me for being selfish. 

Living on the streets, working at a bar, renting a gun to try and kill that man in anger, coming to know about his death, taking everything I could lay my hands on from that house, and then trying to live....that's how I've come this far, hyung.