You're a Badger, Harry

11: You Need to Shut Up, Harry

Summary: Tom Riddle and Gilderoy Lockhart: *handshake emoji* being bullied by a twelve-year-old

'Come... come to me... let me rip you... let me tear you... let me kill you...'

The hairs on the back of Harry's neck stood on end. The basilisk was nearby. He had to talk to Ginny.

Of course, the moment he consciously thought this, he suddenly found himself in a real-life game of Where's Weasley? He scanned the Gryffindor table one cloudy Saturday morning, but while he did see the flaming red of the boys, there was no sign of Ginny.

Then he realized he was being an idiot. Mentally cursing, he stood and headed for an empty classroom. Then he removed his wand and said, "Accio Riddle diary."

It took a few moments, but it eventually came and slammed against his chest. "Sorry, Gin," he said, hoping she hadn't been writing in it just then.

He opened the diary. No words were seen. So he decided it was up to him to take the first step — and began running his pen (a very Muggle and erasable pen at that) haphazardly across the page.

"Ginny, what in the world are you doing?" asked Tom. "Is this a new trend?"

Harry wrote back. "Ginny can't come to the book right now."

"Why?"

"Cause she's dead."

"What?!"

"Kidding! To talk to Ginny, please write one."

"What the fuck?"

"Dude, language," Harry said, shaking his head. "I'm a child."

"Whom the fuck?"

"Somehow worse. Anyway, my name is Harry."

"Potter?"

"Polo!"

"Shut up."

"Sorry, Mr. Mysterious Inkster."

"It's Tom Riddle. How did you come by my diary?"

"I'm a Hufflepuff. We're particularly good finders."

"What the hell is a Hufflepuff?"

"I'm the hell is a Hufflepuff."

"Whatever," said Tom. "By the way, someone was murdered to death fifty years ago."

"Oh? Gossip?"

"Yeah, so basically there was this creature that came from —"

"The Black Lagoon?"

"No, shut up. The Chamber of Secrets. Now, I know you're probably thinking, Why you fuckin' lying? But I'm not. Trust me. I caught the person behind it and got him expelled."

He paused, but when Harry just slurped his smoothie, Tom added, "I can show you."

"The world?"

"No, shut up. My memory of when I caught the culprit."

"Let me ask my godfather," said Harry, taking out the two-way mirror.

"What? No, you don't need to —"

"Sirius Black!" Harry said aloud.

Sirius' face appeared. "Yes?"

"Where's Moony?" The werewolf was normally with Sirius when Harry called.

"He went to find some Gatorade."