You're a Badger, Harry

19: You (Don't) Need the Talk, Harry

This chapter is the least cracky(?) so far. And kinda filler, but *shrugs and sips water*

Placeholder summary: There are words in this chapter. Maybe even some commas. Not sure about question marks.

It wasn't often all the students were united in something, but this? This was one of those times.

"Is she... spraying a dementor... with a water gun?" asked Draco.

"Idiot-shut-upper," Harry corrected, though he was too distracted watching Sage to actually sound reprimanding.

The dementor seemed to have absolutely no effect on Sage, who lowered her idiot-shut-upper — or ISU as a lovely reader had smartly abbreviated it — and began talking and waving her arms about.

"Move along now!" Professor McGonagall came by and began ushering the students away. "Nothing to see here."

"How is she not affected?" Hermione wondered, craning her neck to keep Sage in her sights.

"How should we know?" said Harry. "She's the author. She can do anything here."

Pansy Parkinson walked into a wall. "Really?"

"Be glad she didn't make you say anything embarrassing in the middle of the Ministry," said Harry.

Apparently, someone had made a sneering remark to a Muggle-born after bumping into them in Diagon Alley. Two days later, he stopped and started saying some truly inane things such as how he wanted to be a flobberworm for a day and had always been curious of the making of Muggle iPads.

Zacharias rolled his eyes and muttered something darkly under his breath. He then did a pirouette. "Really?"

The end of the year came and went. Gryffindor won the Quidditch Cup, but only just. Cedric truly was a formidable Seeker.

"No more Patronus lessons," Harry said mournfully as he dug into his dinner.

Remus gave him a look. "You seemed to have mastered it pretty quickly. A little... too quickly for your age."

"Yeah, well, I'm totally awesome that way!"

"Harry." Sirius' tone had Harry stopping in his tracks. "What's really going on?"

Harry sighed. He supposed he'd have to tell someone eventually.

"You have to promise — or solemnly swear or whatever — that what I'm about to tell you is not shared with anyone else unless I think it's okay. That goes for you, too, Kreacher."

Remus and Sirius nodded. Kreacher bowed his head.

"I went back in time."

Three pairs of eyes stared at him in bewilderment as he explained all he knew, which admittedly wasn't much. Sirius drew in a sharp breath when Harry told him he had died during what had been Harry's fifth year; Remus clenched his fist upon hearing his death in the final battle against Voldemort.

When Harry had finished, they processed this.

"Sounds legit?" said Sirius, but questioningly.

"Makes some things make sense at least," Remus agreed. "So there really aren't any other Horcruxes left?"

"Not unless Nagini becomes one," Harry answered. "And I'm pretty sure I'm not one since I would have felt my scar burning."

Sirius leaned back. "So I guess this means you don't need to sit through what we had planned, then."

"Huh?"

"The sex talk."

Harry's face went red. "Nope! Definitely don't need that! Uh-uh, I'm good!"

He slipped out of the kitchen and up to his room.

Remus and Sirius stared, mystified, at the spot where Harry had occupied a moment ago. Then Remus looked up. "Sage, did he ever get the talk in his last life?"

"Buddy-pal, this is a series aimed at kids as young as nine. You really think the author would have included something like that in it? Even excluding the plot?"

"Fair enough."

"Did you just call Moony buddy-pal?" asked Sirius.

"Sure did, pal-buddy."

Gender-neutral things to call your friends? Buddy-pal. Pal-buddy.