You're a Badger, Harry

29: You are A-Maze-Ing, Harry

I've been considering posting this fic to Ao3 as well for my non-Wattpad readers even though I'm kinda done with Harry Potter. Eh, I'll ponder on it some more. Give me like, two-three business months.

Summary: Harry is Harry, Cedric is befuddled, and Cornelius is a fudging rude idiot

"We are going to be patrolling the outside of the maze," Professor McGonagall had told the champions before they were released into he maze of hell. "If you get into difficulty, and wish to be rescued, send red sparks into the air, and one of us will come and get you, do you understand?"

Five seconds (of summer) after being swallowed in the maze, Harry took out his wand, intending to shoot up the red sparks. Then he paused. He really didn't want Cedric to be murdered to death and go into the twilight as a sparkling vampire this time around. So maybe he should keep going.

The focus was wrenched away from Harry. Rude.

Cedric blinked. Not just once, not twice, nor thrice — which is good because it's a sign he's still alive.

His robes were singed badly from the skrewts and torn in a few places, but here he was, staring at the Cup. So he grabbed it.

And the focus was again wrenched away. Rude.

Harry stared at the empty plinth in dismay. He was too late!

"Mother-hecking hippogriff dung! If only Apparating on school grounds was possible!" he wailed.

With a pop, he disappeared.

The focus stayed on the spot where he had been moments prior for a few seconds.

...

"Okay, you may move on now."

With permission granted, the focus shifted away.

Cedric blinked. Where the heck was he?

"You can swear, Cedric," said Sage.

"What the fuck?" said a voice that was very much not Cedric.

"Professor Quirrell?!" Cedric exclaimed. "I thought you were dead!"

Quirrell shrugged. "I got better."

A popping sound followed by a thump had them all turning to see Harry lying facedown on the ground.

"Are you okay?" Cedric asked.

"No, thanks for asking," said Harry. He sat up and wiped the dirt off his glasses (and further smudged them in the process). "What the fuck?" he yelped. "Professor Quirrell?! I thought you were dead!"

"He got better," piped up Sage.

Hrry nodded to the man standing behind him. "What's with Lord Humpty Dumpty over there?"

"It's Voldemort," came the high-pitched hiss.

Cedric gulped. He really did not want to die. "Screw this poop, I'm out." He walked away.

"Same here." Harry followed.

Voldemort plopped down onto the grass. "I had this whole speech ready."

"I know, My Lord," said Quirrell, rubbing his shoulder.

"It was perfect!"

"I know, My Lord." Quirrell looked up at the loud slurp. "Who the fuck are you?"

"My name's Jeff." She cleared her throat. "Sorry, it's Sage. Like Jayson Sage. Except I'm not Jayson Sage. Because I'm Sage."

"Jayson Sage? That annoying little Hufflepuff?" Quirrell groaned.

(Sid twitched.

"What's wrong?" asked Jayson.

"I don't know, I just felt... a disturbance."

Ailbhe, sharpening a knife with her wand, nodded grimly. Zacharias and Ernie edged away from her nervously.)

Cedric came back, scratching his head. "Hey, uh, how do I get back to Hogwarts?"

"Take a left," said Voldemort.

"And then?"

"Take it back now, y'all," said Harry.

"What?"

"Cha Cha Slide," Sage explained.

"Huh?"

"Eh, I'll teach it to you in a later chapter. One of my readers has the idea and I intend to honor it."

"Huh?!"

"Just take the darn Cup."

Cedric and Harry reached down to each grab a handle of the Cup. In seconds, they were gone.

Sage shook her head and pulled out some crisps. "No Twilight this time," she mused.

She felt a poke at her shoulder and groaned. "What, you egg?"

"Can I have some?"

She stabbed him with a stick. "Get your own."

A very baffled Cedric and a very not okay Harry were hailed the winners of the Triwizard Tournament. Cedric tried to explain he saw Voldemort and Quirrell, but hardly anyone took him seriously. Because if that were the case, wouldn't he have been murdered to death? Which... fair enough. As for Harry, his glasses had smears of dirt. How could he have seen Voldemort?

("I can hear..."

No one paid him any mind. Rude.)

Fudge even refused to believe Sage, which, first of all, the lion, the witch —

("You just gotta fudge it up for us, don'tcha, Cornelius?"

"Was that a pun on my name?"

"It's the only positive aspect about you.")

— and lastly, the audacity of this bitch.

("You should be a better role model for the children."

"And you should step on a cone snail, Dolores. Can't all get what we want.")

Harry took it all in stride and joked he and Cedric should make a club together. He was already making a list of possible names for it.

("Please don't call it that."

"What's wrong with Fudge Can Go Shove a Skrewt Up His —?"

"Everything!")

"Hey, Voldemort, Sage just sent this really funny video. It's titled 'Quirrelmort.'"

"Squirrel-what?"

So uh... yeah. Quirrell's back. And he's probably in love with the Dark Lord. Who knows?