You're a Badger, Harry

27: You Need to Just Keep Swimming, Harry

I may have forgotten this fic exists. Meh.

Summary: ... or you can... do that; Dumbledore is very calm™

Harry wondered who would be taken down for the second task this time. He asked Sage, but she had just shrugged.

"We'll find out soon enough."

Harry wisely ignored the use of the word "we."

Anywho, Harry decided to swing by the prefect's bathroom for a swim. He brought along swim shorts this time, not wanting to give anyone (especially a certain nosy ghost) the chance to see his bare arse.

There was no sign of said nosy ghost, so Harry just filled the bathtub with hot water and foamy bubbles. He spent some time swimming around before taking out an inflatable float in the shape of a slice of treacle tart and relaxing on it.

"Harry?"

Harry smiled but kept his eyes shut. "Hello, Cedric."

Cedric's voice sounded again, a little closer. "How'd you — never mind. Why are you here?"

Harry cracked open one eye. "Can't a guy just find a spot to chill?"

Cedric dipped a toe into the tub. "The water's hot."

"Whatever. I see you brought your egg. You gonna listen to it?"

"Er, yeah?"

"Cool. Don't let me stop you." Harry closed his eye again.

He heard Cedric shuffling about, sighing as he slid into the water. And then the screeching happened.

Harry swore loudly and almost fell off his float. "Diggory, you idiot! That didn't work the first hundred times, what made you think it would work now?"

"Oh, like you didn't do the same thing!" Cedric retorted.

"No!" Not in this life, at least. "Because I'm a smart boy."

Cedric raised one perfect eyebrow.

In a different part of the castle, Remus paused and lifted his head.

"What?" asked Sirius, who was totally not naked right now.

"I don't know, I just felt a... disturbance."

Outside, Hagrid sniffed. Was that hippogriff shit he was smelling? Or did the skrewts catch on fire again?

Back in the prefect's bathroom, Cedric was still staring at Harry skeptically.

"Okay, fine. I'm not smart smart like Hermione, but I'm smart."

"Smartass, more like."

"Glad we could come to an agreement, Diggory."

Cedric rolled his eyes.

Harry was a bit surprised to see Ron still in the stands. He supposed the judges assumed that Ron was not that important, which was ludicrous. That was his Wheezy. His!

As soon as the whistle blew, Harry Summoned treacle tart float and got on. If his Wheezy wasn't in danger, he ain't trying.

(Of course, he wasn't going to win regardless, but at least if his Wheezy was down there, he'd make a little bit more of an effort — like actually putting his face in the water for a few seconds.)

He could hear Bagman begging him to go find the thing that had been taken but ignored it. He did, however, acknowledge the cheering from Ron, Hermione, and Draco as Harry did absolutely nothing.

About twenty minutes in, Fleur reappeared, having been attacked by the grindylows. Another forty and Cedric was back, closely followed by Krum.

It was then did Harry finally sit up and declare he gave up.

A slightly dazed but unhurt Gabrielle was brought back to shore along with —

"George?"

A very soaked George Weasley beamed at him. "That's me."

"Wait, what?" Bagman stared, then whirled around to face Sage. "I thought you said that was Fred."

Sage shrugged. "I did. Must've been tricked." Unbothered, she took a sip.

The judges went on to announce the champions' scores. Everyone but Harry got about the same number of points as they did before.

"Two points? Really?" Harry stared at the judges deadpanned. "You could've just given me zero."

"ONE POINT FOR GETTING IN THE WATER AND ONE POINT FOR YOUR REALLY COOL FLOAT," Dumbledore explained in such a calm voice that Harry rubbed at his ear.

"Hey, Dumbledore," Sage piped up. "Your audiobook is scheduled to be published in four days."

"THANK YOU, SAGE."

"No problem," Sage replied cheerfully. Harry wondered how she was able to hear him with the sparkly earplugs. Then again, she was the author.

Dang right, Harball, Sage's voice echoed in his mind as Blaise started rolling toward the castle.

Dumbledore's audiobook was a smash hit. All that could be heard throughout the Great Hall in the days to come was his very calm voice reading out a variety of topics such as recipes, skincare routines and tips from anonymous people, why you really shouldn't try to suffocate Zacharias Smith even if you really want to, poetry, and more.

("Wait, what was that middle part?"

"Skincare routines and tips from anonymous people. Wanna hear my favorite?")

"'MY FIRST STEP IN MY SKINCARE ROUTINE IS NOT TO USE MY WAND AND BLAST MY PIMPLES AWAY,' ONE WITCH ADVISES. 'THAT'LL HURT LIKE A BEACH.'"

Hermione nodded solemnly. "Beaches do be hurting. All that sand... Gets everywhere."

"'DON'T USE TOOTHPASTE,' ANOTHER WITCH SAYS."

"'ECZEMA MAKES THIS SO MUCH HARDER THAN NECESSARY,' A VERY IRRITATED WIZARD SHARES."

Next to the skincare routines, the poems were the most popular.

"ROSES ARE RED,

VIOLETS ARE BLUE,

I THINK YOU'RE ANNOYING

SO GO FUCK YOU...

Self."

Harry wiped away a tear. "This is the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. What's the next one?"

I LIKE CATS

I LIKE DOGS

MOUNTAIN CHICKENS ARE FROGS

"Gee, I wonder who could have possibly submitted that one," said Hannah dryly.

"Truly a mystery," Susan agreed.

"It was me," Jayson announced proudly, much to everyone's surprise.

Sid looked like he wanted to kiss him. Or the aromantic equivalence to that, whatever that may be.

(The aromantic equivalence to that could very well be a kiss depending on the person, just without the romantic intention. This has been a PSA.

"What's a PSA?"

"Purple straw annunciation."

"Sounds legit."

"No..."

"Yes.")

Me, making a reference to a piece of media I haven't actually watched/read? It's more likely than you think. Like guess the percentage in which this happens and multiply it... by six!

^that, however, is a rare example of me making a reference to something I have watched.