hysteria ; Mattheo Riddle

39

"sweetheart you will always be mine"
— m.r

jan. 23. 17
monday

AT HOGSMEADE: "so what should we get him" i muttered under my breath. i had a black hoodie on with the hood up, i had heavy shaded black eye bags, my eyes remained unlit.
my face un colored. i had white sweatpants on.

"gen are you sure your okay ?" she asked once again worriedly.

"i'm fineee" i groaned throwing my hands in the air "stop worrying about me" i snapped at her. which i instantly regretted.

"shit i'm sorry" i apologized. i thought she would be angry and lash out on me. but i saw something totally different. pity.

"let's go to tomes and scrolls" she said blankly, her face turned into an unreadable expression.

i nodded.
i walked into the dingy gloomy shop, books and candles were all over.

i started to look around the candles. one candle that stood out to me was 'slow burn'

incense, black pepper, elemi, guaiac, raspberry, tonka, amber and smoked papyrus; encens, poivre noir, élémi, gaiac, framboise, tonka, ambre et fumé papyrus

i picked it up and held it, i started to look over the books, running my fingers down the books looking for one that stuck out to me

i was looking for a book that he would personally love.

a little life that was the one

it was about a guy with everyday experience of living with trauma, chronic pain, and disability, demonstrating the inherent intersections with one another, due to Dr. Traylor running him over with a car.

i remember reading that book, it touched my soul and made me cry. i would never want to read it again. but it is certainly written beautifully.

me and cerelia agreed on buying it.

***

there i was back in my room with cerelia.
"i have a boy for you" she said as she sat and did her makeup at my vanity.
"don't even bother" i replied. i was curled into a ball on my bed. the only thing comforting me.
"he's gonna die anyways it's selfish" i finished off.

"he's not a good guy geneva. the boy i'm setting you up with has a history of SA girl's so if he dies— it won't be an issue really"

"okay"

"can you leave after you get done your makeup" i said spoke plainly.

"okay geneva" i could tell she was upset. but at this moment all i wanted to be was high on coke. and i didn't want to do it in front of her.

i didn't care what happened i didn't care how i snorted it. i just wanted to feel something real.

feb. 1st. 17
wednesday

looking in the mirror. i break and crumble. i'm pale, my lips cracked, bleeding. tasted like metal.
i'm very skinny. i haven't eaten for a long time.
i can't bring myself to either.
i've been filling my body with drugs and alcohol.
not letting my friends come in my room. hoping for them to think i was dead and leave me there to rot.
i was already doing that. i was rotting my life away in this puny body, and my room. clothes all over my bedroom.