𝙰𝚝𝚊𝚛𝚊𝚡𝚒𝚊 (stray kids x male reader)

Chapter 16

Y/n's pov
Tae went straight to bed. He hugged me goodnight and told me he loved me. I'm exhausted. So very tired and sitting on the couch cuddled into Hyunjin is only making me more sleepy.

I should be sleeping, I want to, but I can't. I'm scared that if I fall asleep something will happen to Tae, that he might do something to himself while I can't stop him. As far as I'm aware he has never done anything to physically harm himself, but I remember. The first time I did it. It was soon after Maverick left, Mom was only getting angrier at us both and left us at home for hours on end. I was a kid and felt so alone. Helpless.

I wanted to feel some control. It was only supposed to be a one time thing. I stopped after a year but that was the worst year of my life.  I don't want him to feel so uncontrolled. He can't be like me.

I can't let him get any more hurt. I want- need to protect him.It's my job. And I refuse to let that lady be correct.

I don't know how to parent but I know how to take care of people and I definitely know how to boss people around. I like being in control of any situation I'm in. I have no issues with keeping myself calm even when I want to stab someone in the eyes and I may not know how to do long division but I know how to write essays. I can afford to give him whatever he may want or need. I can do this. I promised him I could do this.

I left him in the house even though I knew how our mother is and it's my fault how much  worse his mental health has gotten. It's all my fault. I should have stayed with him, I could have stayed and gone to university close to home, gotten a job to help him out. I could have stayed. I should have stayed.

Felix sits on my other side and grabs my hand. I look over at him and he smiles at me. Being around my soulmates makes me feel so much better but it's not enough.

I feel so fucking numb and I don't know how to change that. I want to bee happy. I want to have the happy family. I want to have a family to bring my soulmates home too, for them to meet and feel awkward about btu in the end feel like they have another home they can come to. I want to be able to introduce my family to my friends and have them actually care about what I'm doing.

I thought I got over this. I thought I could do this without feeling like I'm going to have a mental breakdown. I was wrong and I absolutely hate that.

I just want to have a normal life. I want  to have a family without having to build one on my own. I was born from a forced relationship full of obsession  and hatred.  No one should be forced into that situation.

"Baby"

I look up and chan is standing there with a mug and a plate in his hand. He is smiling like a fool and I can't help but smile back at him. I love his smile. I love him.

I love the kind things he does for me. I love the way he pays attention to the small things and helps without anyone noticing. I love how he listens to whatever I find myself talking about and even when I ask stupid questions he never makes me feel it.

He offers out the mug and I take it happily. I take a sip and burn my tongue, it's tea. Mint. My most used and most bought Tea.

Hyunjin laughs and tightens his grip on my waist. I think this is just his thing, every time I'm in close proximity to him he wraps his arms around my waist and holds onto me tightly. I don't mind, it's kinda cute honestly.

I don't mind possessiveness. I knew when everything started that there would be some overprotective actions. I lied and avoided them. They all fear that I'm going to run away again and they refuse to let that happen.

"Be careful angel," He whispers to me, squeezing my   Side.  I smile up at him and he grins down at me. Very hot- cute grin.

I hear Jisung chuckle from the other side of the room and when I look over to him he smirks at me like a fuckface, winks and then looks away. Leaving me to stare at him for a few seconds.