In This Town

march 25, 2022

Alexa•

I feel like I finally have a second to just breathe. It's been a hell of a week.

Getting Evie used to school, dance, and California in general, was a lot. Of course, it's not going to feel like home for her yet, but it's starting to feel somewhat normal for her.

I'm finalizing the last of the boxes, and have almost everything set up. Another thing that I can take off of my shoulders.

Jamison hasn't said a word to me since last week, and to say that's a major relief would be an understatement.

It's not that I hate him, he's just very, clingy. He's always been that way, but never this extreme.

But, that also makes me feel even more guilty. Jamison and Evie have some kind of natural bond. I saw that last week when he was at my house. She keeps asking me if he can teach her to surf. I keep trying to convince myself that it's better if she doesn't get attached to him, but it's already too late.
And Jamison, God, he would be so good at it. He knows what he's doing better than anyone else out there. And I trust him with Evie. Nothing tells me I shouldn't.

But if Evie, or Jamison finds out, things are going to get messy. And maybe I'm just being selfish, but Jamison has never been the type of person who wanted kids, and Evie is doing perfectly fine without having a father figure present. I want what's best for my daughter, and throwing another new thing at her, while she's already adjusting to so many new changes, isn't fair to her.

"Mom, can we go to the beach?" Evie questions, tugging at my shirt. I look into her blue eyes, nearly identical to Jamison's. I see him in her so much it's painful.

"Mhm. Go get your bathing suit on, and then we can go." I smile, kissing her cheek.

"Can Jamison come too? Maybe I can learn to surf!" She happily says. I hesitate.

"I'll call him, and ask, okay?" I reluctantly reply.

She hugs me, and runs down the hall into her room, slamming the door shut behind her.

I pull out my phone, dialing the phone number i've had memorized since 8th grade. He almost immediately answers, proving my point of him being clingy.

"Hey, sorry I'm sure you're pretty busy, but Evie wanted to know if you'd meet us at the beach, and teach her to surf." I chuckle, just thinking about how stupid this probably sounds.

"Oh, yeah, that sounds fun. I actually got off of work. I'll meet you there in 20?" He questions.

"Alright. I'll let her know. I really appreciate it Jamison." I say.

"It's not a big deal. See you in a bit." I hang up, regretting my choices. But it's not for my sake, but Evies. She wants him to come, and if that's what she wants, I can put on my big girl pants, and suck it up.

"Well, did you call him?" She squeals, running down the hall, and into my legs.

"Yup! He said it sounds fun. So he's going to meet us there, okay?"

"Yay!! Are you going to surf?" She asks.

"Probably not today, but next time." I tell her.

We head out to the car, putting her small pink board in the trunk. She gets all buckled in, as I start the car.

"Mom, is Jamison one of your friends?" She questions. Her innocent voice makes me choke up.

Jamison was my friend. My best friend. My boyfriend. He was always there for me. I loved being around him. His energy was unmatchable, and always made the best jokes. He sang to me when I was sad, and always knew how to cheer me up. He included me in all of his future plans, and I couldn't have been more excited to share it with him. I adored him for it. But things started changing, and I guess we both got scared, because we hide from each other. Then the news of Evie came along, and I ran. I ran so far away, with no trace. With nothing but a bit of cash, a broke down car, and the idea that it was for the better.

"Kinda," Is what I say instead. Because how do you explain to a six year old that he's really her dad, and I loved him so fiercely for so long. "He's more of an acquaintance. Do you know what that means?" I ask.

"No." She replies.

"It means like, we talk to each other, and maybe we both share a friend, but we aren't friends." I explain.

"Oh." She softly says.

I pull into the parking lot, looking for anywhere to park, really. I find a spot, and am genuinely suprised to see that Jamison is already here.

Evies faces lights up, as we drive past him, still in efforts to find somewhere to park.