In This Town

march 27, 2022

Alexa•

I feel like I'm about to fucking explode.

The guilt builds, and builds, weights me down, by my shoulders, my chest, my legs. I'm treading through drying concrete. All. The. Time.

While Evies at school, I really feel alone with my thoughts. At least when I'm with her, I have some kind of distraction. But when it's just me, and a quiet house, things go down hill very quickly.

"Hey, Charlie, I could really, really use some help with something. If you could come over, and maybe have Sarah come too, I would really appreciate it." I text her. She replies fairly quickly.

"We'll be there in five." She says.

I await the knock on the door, but five minutes feels like five hours, and the silence crumbles me,
piece by piece.

Finally, the five minutes arrives, and just like Charlie said, they're at my door. Smiling and laughing, looking happier than they've ever been.

"Hey, come in!" I try to match the energy.

"Aw Lex it looks so cute in here!" Sarah smiles, sitting down on the white couch. Not the best decision when you have a five year old, but I still love them.

"Thanks. Evie helped me out." I giggle.

"So, what's up?" Charlie asks, sitting down next to Sarah.

"I um- God I don't even know how to say this. It's been my secret for so long," I mutter.

"Whatever you tell us isn't going to leave this room, unless you're in danger Alexa. You can trust us." Sarah says.

"Well, uh- Remember the other night when you asked who the lucky guy is?" I ask Charlie. She nods her head.

"He uh- This lucky guy is Jamison." I tell them. I hold my breath, waiting for their reaction.

"Oh God," Sarah is the first of the two to speak.

"And he doesn't know?" Charlie questions.

"Not at all." I answer. I feel so ashamed.

"Lex, you gotta tell him," Sarah starts.

"I can't. I can't do that to him, to Evie, to myself. It's not fair," I say, but I think I'm trying to convince myself more than them.

"Is this why you moved?" Charlie asks.

My face gets hot, tears flood my eyes. This hurts more than I thought it would.

"Mhm. I thought it would be for the better. Things were going so well for him, and I didn't want to be a burden on him." I softly cry.

"Alexa, he could have used you that summer, more than you'll ever know," Charlie says, putting her hand on my shoulder.

"I feel like a monster. They already have such a sweet bond. She really looks up to him." My heart breaks more.

"Alexa, I'm not going to tell you what to do, and I'm most definitely not going to tell him for you, but he deserves to know. He needs to know." Sarah joins.

"W- what do you mean he needed me that summer? What happened, a-after I left?" I choke out.

"His brother, unfortunately passed, in a surfing accident. It tore his parents apart, they split only a few months later... Lex, he was heart broken. Everything went wrong for him that summer. And us? God we did everything we could to cheer that poor boy up, but nothing helped." Charlie's eyes well with tears.

"All he wanted was you Alexa. Because you had always been there for him. Because he loved you more than anything, and, I don't know if you've noticed, but he still does Alexa." Sarah claims.

"If I were you, I'd get him back. Because boys like him only come once in your lifetime. You just happened to meet him early." Charlie tells me.

It consumes me. More guilt builds up inside of me. Not only for lying to him and leaving him, without a trace, but for not being there when he needed me the most. When we both needed each other most. When I had promised to always be by his side.

But I lied.