In This Town

April 11, 2022

Alexa•

California is becoming home for my sweet little girl. She has made so many friends, in a short period of time. She's almost top in her dance class. Where she gets her incredible dance skills from, is beyond me. Especially considering that her father and I have no dancing ability whatsoever.

I walk outside, getting ready to go get Evie from her dance class. She's a busy little five year old. Much busier than I ever was.

Jamison is going to take her surfing again, when she gets home. She's been anxiously awaiting getting back on her board. Something she shares in common with Jamison.

I've forgotten how close everything is here. Her school, five minutes away. Dance, seven minutes. The list could go on and on.

The familiar roads have definitely seen better days, but most of the locals don't want to have them redone. They like things how they've always been.

As I pull up to get Evie, I notice her eyes full of tears, her face red. She jumps in the car, crying. It hurts me to see her so sad.

"Hey, hey what's wrong?" I question. Her cries break my heart.

"I just want to go home." She cries.

So that's what we do. We drive home. She cries and cries, and I just let her. There's nothing else I can do. I'm not going to tell her it's okay, because how am I supposed to know if it is?

And, as if the situation couldn't be any worse, Jamison is early to pick her up. She hops out of the car, meeting Jamison. A huge smile pinned on his face, immediately disappearing when he see Evie.

"Hey kiddo, what's wrong?" He asks her. I expect her to give him the same answer she gave me.

Instead, she says, "My dance class is having a daddy- daughter dance, but I don't have a daddy, so I don't get to go. And all of the other girls do!"

And that, shatters me.

Jamison looks over at me, then back at Evie. I know exactly what he's thinking, and I want to stop him, but I can't. Because truthfully, he is her dad. She looks just like him. The hair, the eyes, the smile. All of it, the same. It kills me every time I look at her, because all I can see is him.

"Sweetheart, why don't you run inside, and we'll be in there in just a minute." I whisper. She wraps her arms around me, sniffling.

She walks away from us, head down. I hate this.

"Alexa, if it's okay with you, I would love to take Evie to the daddy-daughter dance. I mean, of course I'm not her dad, but I could be her, stand in dad." He smiles.

But he doesn't know. He doesn't know anything. That he really is her dad. That she does have a dad, and he's been here this whole time. Part of me knows that I need to let him, whether he knows the truth or not. And the other part knows that if Evie gets too attached, and something happens, it's not going to be good.

The mom part of me, knows that Evie deserves to be happy. She's only going to be six for so long, and she should get to enjoy it.

"I think she would really appreciate that Jamison." I smile, something in me aches to feel him. His lips, his hands, just him.

I look over, to see Evie peaking through the front window, at Jamison and I. Her face still red, and tear stained, but a small smile on her lips.

I motion her back outside. She's changed into a bathing suit, and has her board. It looks huge next to her.

"Already ready to go?" Jamison smiles at her. She nods her head. She's being shy all over again.

"Well, I want to ask you before we go," He takes the board out of her hands, noticing her struggling to hold it. "If it's okay with you, I would be honored to take you to the daddy- daughter dance. As a stand in dad, of course." Her face lights up as the words fall from Jamison's mouth.

"Yes yes yes!" She hops up and down, slamming her small body into his, hugging him so tight.

He picks her up, giving her a tight squeeze back. He walks over to his car, Evie in one arm, her board in the other. He so effortlessly makes her feel so loved, and it makes me feel so guilty. She should have gotten this kind of love all along.

And I thought it was best for her if she didn't know.