Should He Matter? (BXB)

Chapter 24 - Adrien

Adrien Walker 

I look down at the carrier bag in front of my crossed legs, this hoodie is just another reminder of the fact that he's actually gone. 

I don't want this stupid hoodie, I want Dad. 

Nearly two years later and there's still some hope that he'll walk through the front door like the past 20 months did not happen. I know, I know, he won't but I can't stop hoping he will. 

I angrily wipe away the tears. 

Why am I even crying right now?

I should feel happy. Grateful even. 

I finally have something of his, well minus his car. But even that was something Ma had to force me to use to ensure I could get to and from school safely. 

There's a reason I haven't dared to go into their bedroom. The last time I stepped foot in there was when I looked for Elaine a few days after Dad's funeral. I asked Maya to put all of Dad's and Elaine's belongings in their room and to leave them there. 

I don't need the constant reminders laying around the house, the staggering silence within the walls is enough. 

Hell, I don't even know if Elaine ever asked Maya to clear out their stuff, I never asked. I probably should. But what use is it now?

I have this hoodie, though. 

His championship hoodie. 

Not a letter. 

Not a goodbye note. 

Not some ramblings of life advice. 

No, none of that. 

Just this hoodie. 

I chuckle heartlessly, "I would have appreciated a letter Dad," I say looking up at the sky, "Even Charlie left Trevor a notebook."

I don't mean to be resentful, but a part of me is.

It's unfair. 

Where was his goodbye to me?

I didn't even get a chance to give him a proper goodbye. 

I was so sure he would be fine. That he'd make it through the operation okay. Dad was a fighter.

Till he wasn't.

"But I know you fought it the best you could Dad," I sigh, "I'm just in a shitty mood right now. I'm sorry."

My mind doesn't blame him, it's not his fault he was ill and I know he tried.

I know...

But my heart refuses to accept that he didn't purposely leave me. 

My mind goes back to the hospital, I shouldn't have let Elaine dictate who could be there. Dad wanted Ma and Luke there. They should have got to say their goodbyes.

"I should have been a better son and made sure things happened the way you would have wanted them to. I shouldn't have let Elaine control so much."

Just before they took Dad for the operation. He held me tightly whispering into my ear, "Promise me you'll look after yourself and Luke," I squeezed him back just as tightly promising I would.

I love you my little lion, forever and always were his last words to me.

I love you too Dad, forever and always were mine to him.

"I'm sorry I haven't been keeping my promises, Dad. But I promise to start doing better," And I truly do mean it. 

It's time to stop pushing people away because very soon I'll have no one left. I can't keep expecting them to forgive me, and move on.