Should He Matter? (BXB)

Chapter 13 - Trevor

Trevor Chidubem

They fell asleep before the episode ended, so much for staying awake.

I stare at them both fast asleep, Ethan leaning against Adrien's arm and Adrien's head resting on Ethan's hair.

I smile at the fact that they look so comfortable together. 

Ethan definitely needs someone he can lean on, and Adrien can be a pretty great guy. I just hope Adrien is in a stable enough place right now. 

He seemed to be quite unsteady earlier, I wish I'd known about what was really going on with him through summer. I guess I sort of suspected it but... I just didn't care. Charlie had just died, and I could not bring myself to give a single fuck about anything. I didn't care that Adrien had completely disappeared. I didn't care that Luke was clearly struggling. 

I just didn't care. 

My little brother was dead. 

Is dead. 

I let the tears roll down my face, there's no point in wiping them. 

Charlie's gone. 

It doesn't matter how much I tell myself that, it just doesn't seem real. 

I lean my head against the back of the sofa exhaling heavily.

He's dead. 

Sighing I rub my forehead, my headache is getting worse.

Quietly I get up and wander to the kitchen. I grab some pain killers and pour myself a glass of water.

I never thought I'd be standing in this kitchen again. I was so sure that I was done with Adrien, done with all his shit.

But... fuck.

It's not really shit though. He's depressed.

He deserves another chance.

He beats himself up far too much. Yeah he should have been there for me, but I get it. 

Adrien's not been okay since his dad passed away. I know he's slowly getting back to his old self, but he is different. Charlie passing away would have brought up a lot for him, I should have realised sooner that he would have had to go back to the psych ward. 

As understanding as I'm trying to be, I can't help but feel hurt and let down. After all the times I've been there for him... 

No I can't think like that, I can't be selfish. 

He couldn't be there, and I saw first hand how he was when his Dad died. A mess is a complete understatement. I don't even know how Elaine got him to leave the hospital, when he came home he practically lived at the bottom of the stairs waiting for him to come home. No amount of explaining would get through to him. Going to the funeral, seeing his Dad in the casket broke him all over again. He just didn't understand, and I don't think he fully does now. When Elaine left he just shut down further. We didn't even realise she'd gone until about a week after, Adrien kept saying she'd be back just gone on a business trip. Ma and Luke moved in for a bit but Adrien just kept getting worse. He was completely unpredictable, he'd spend days awake just laying in bed staring at the ceiling immobile, wouldn't shower or eat nothing. Then there would be days where he'd be angry all day and all night, screaming throwing things until the point where he'd blackout. Ma couldn't get through to him, after his first fit of rage Luke stayed over at ours but no one really told him just how bad it was. 

His meds had been changed to a higher dose and he'd been given an anxiety one too for the panic attacks, but Ma didn't realise he hadn't been taking them. He had his old meds that he hadn't finished, at least a 2 months supply plus a month supply of his new ones. One night he decided to take all three months worth in one go. Ma had heard his body drop to the floor so went to check on him. It's a good job she found him when she did, he hadn't eaten in 2 days and was unconscious. He spent 8 month in the psych ward. He missed a whole year at school, only made up for it because he was able to submit things on the school portal. I still don't know if Luke knows, Adrien hated telling him anything related to his episodes and at the end of the day it wasn't something for me to share.