Should He Matter? (BXB)

Chapter 11 - Adrien

I don't even know if I want you in my life.

"Luke, I... I-"

What do I say?

Does Trevor feel the same way?

Am I going to lose them both?

Fuck!

I fucked up.

I fucked up big.

I can't...

"Luke... I didn't.. I-I-"

Breathe Adrien, breathe.

It'll be okay.

We can fix this.

I can fix this.

Right?

I need to try.

"Luke, can we please talk about this?"

"Adrien, I don't have anything else to say," Luke replies and I know he wants to just end the call.

Should I let him?

No.

We need to talk and fix it.

If he hangs up, then... then that's it. It's all over.

"I know, but just please don't hang up. We can fix this, right?" I plead with him, "I know I'm a dick, a selfish bastard but.. but I didn't mean to treat you like that. I didn't even realise I was. Like yeah you annoy me, I mean everyone does, but you don't really annoy me. You're my brother Luke, we're supposed to annoy each other. I love you man, and I've missed you like crazy."

"Adrien, do you actually miss me or just miss having someone there to fill the void? Do I really matter to you? Does my presence actually mean something? Or are you just afraid of being alone?"

"Luke I do really miss you. I miss us arguing about food, my microwave meals and lack of snacks in the house. You being a pescetarian but still eating chicken nuggets. You refusing to stop eating noodles and ramen. I miss your goofiness, and your annoyingly loud but infectious laugh. I miss you talking through everything we watch, all your opinions and theories and questions. I miss arguing with you. I miss your 12 hugs a day. I miss the random animal videos you would send me. I still check my phone hoping for a message from you. I hate the fact that we stopped talking. That Trevor and you don't stay over anymore. I miss our movie and game nights. Our weekend-long sleepovers. I miss you both, not because you filled a void but because you're both the greatest friends anyone could have ever asked for. No one will ever make me laugh the way you do, or make me feel as understood as Trevor does, or make me feel as loved and cared for as you both do. With you guys I don't ever feel lonely, at school I'm constantly surrounded by people yet still feel so fucking alone because it's just not like how it is  with you guys. You both make me feel heard and seen, I can truly be myself around you. I know I should have reached out sooner, I know, and I'm so fucking sorry. I am sorry Luke."

I want to tell him the whole reason, the complete truth. But what if he thinks it's just a cop out? Just another stupid excuse? 

"It was just too much for me Luke, I couldn't process the fact that Charlie had died. And, and I didn't know what to do with myself. I didn't know how to be there. I didn't, I don't have the emotional or mental maturity for something like that. I wasn't thinking, I just walked away. I didn't even process me walking away until hours later, I tried to go see Trevor I really did..."

He's going to think it's just another Adrien excuse. 

"But I couldn't. Luke, after Dad died I was the same. I couldn't process the fact that he was gone. He was just supposed to have that fucking surgery and come home. They said it was limited risk, his best option. I was so certain he would be coming home. But he didn't and I didn't know how to deal with it. Then Elaine left, she just disappeared not even two weeks after he died and I was not able to process the fact that I'd been left by the only biological family I had. So I just shut off, and any mention of him dying just ticked me off because I wasn't ready to accept it, I wasn't ready to accept that Dad was dead, and that Elaine has left me the equivalent of an orphan. I was 15 and dealing with the loss of both parents Luke and I didn't know what the fuck to do or think. 

"Luke I spent 8 months in a psych ward because I wasn't coping. I was a complete mess. I'm sorry for always shutting you down when you tried to talk to me, but even after coming home, I wasn't ready. But, that doesn't excuse the fact that I should have been there for you more. I... I wasn't trying to minimalise your grief or anything like that, truly. Dad really did think of you as a son. You stayed at ours every time Ma had to work night shifts. You stayed one weekend a month at mine and I stayed one weekend a month at yours. We both celebrated father's day with Dad and mother's day with Ma. Elaine wouldn't let you be at the hospital when he went in for his surgery, that's why he called you beforehand. It wasn't that he didn't want to see you, he really did. You meant the world to Dad, Luke. And you mean a lot to me too, I know I don't really show it. These past few months without you have been hell.

"And I'm sorry for how I've been treating you. I've always loved you for being who are you. I never intended to make you feel like you had to make yourself smaller. I've always felt like I could be myself around you, I'm sorry that I didn't create that same safe space for you."

It's silent for a while.

But it feels better getting all that off my chest. Everything is out in the open, well not completely but still more than before.

I should have called a hell of a lot sooner.

Does he still not want me in his life?

Are words enough?

"Luke, I don't want to lose you, man. Tell me how I can fix this. Is there anything I can do?"

"I don't know," Luke whispers down the line, and I know he's crying, "All I wanted was for you to be there. To just show up. I know you lack the emotional and mental maturity for some stuff. But I just thought the least you could do was show up and just be there.

"There's no fix. I know you're hoping for one, but there just isn't one. It takes time to build back that trust and friendship. So just start being there."

I finally breathe.

He wants me to be there.

This isn't the end.

"I promise I will. I swear I'll be a better friend, a better brother."

Luke laughs a little, "I know. I know you will try too. You always keep your promises. Your word is your word, and you never go back on it."

Hearing him laugh again makes me smile.

He still has some trust in me.

I won't screw this up.

Not again.

--
Communication is key. And just show up.