Wish

The Seven Stages of Grief (9)

Lexi Pov

"My only motive is to go back home alive and safe- and try not to destroy your world in the process. I was brought here against my will for reasons that I have yet to find out." I answered, taking deep breaths to calm myself.

"How did you get here?"

"I wouldn't be here twiddling my thumbs if I knew." I snorted.

"Last thing I remember is getting kidnapped. I was tied up, gagged, and knocked out. I woke up in the Undeground, where Furlan-"

My throat closed up unexpectedly at his name. Furlan had saved me back then. And what did I repay him with? Death. Despite all those hours where I told myself and steeled myself for this moment, the pain and guilt were more than just a crushing weight that I'd imagined "loss" to be.

"Lexi, focus on us," Hange spoke, her warm hand on my shoulder bringing me out of my thoughts.

"-and Levi saved me. After that is history."

"How do you intend to go back to your world?"

".....I am searching for someone who'll have information. Either someone wanted me here and had me sent here from my world, or someone desperately wanted me gone but not dead and sent me away here from my world."

"Oh? And who are you searching for?"

Should I tell them? Should I not? They won't meet Zeke for a long while yet, and knowing his name won't mean that they'll be able to find him anyway. They'll know better than to carry out an investigation openly. I thought, before making a quick decision.

"Someone named Zeke. Levi and.... We'd found a letter addressed to me from someone named Zeke when I first arrived. Judging by its contents, he was involved in bringing me here."

Erwin hummed in response, his blue eyes glowing with a hint of madness and curiosity.

"Very well. How much of our future do you know, and what do you intend to do with that information?"

"I don't know much. More or less six years from now, with only the major events within that timeline. I only wish to right whatever events that may go differently due to my sudden existence in this world. To make things go the way they're supposed to. I do not intend to change the future."

"How much of that information are you willing to share?"

"None."

For the first time during the conversation, I looked up to meet Erwin's eyes. There may have been some vague descriptions, unspoken details and intentions in my past words, but I was absolutely serious about this part.

"Even if your silence may mean yours and Levi's deaths?"

"I will only share whatever detail I deem important at that moment, and only if absolutely necessary. I will not share anything otherwise, and that's even if you threaten to kill me or Levi."

".....So there is something important about Levi. Otherwise, you wouldn't bargain with sharing details."

"He is Humanity's Strongest Soldier."

"Are you just saying that to save your lover, or are you speaking the truth?"

"Erwin," I began.

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"You either let me live and do my job or you kill me and move on."

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~~~ Erwin Pov ~~~

I gazed at the small female in front of me. Lexi's usually bright lavender eyes were filled with something that I could only describe as darkness. Despite being on the verge of breaking, she refused to tell anyone any details of the information that she knew.

"Why do you refuse to tell us? We could make finding your way back home a lot easier. You could help save humanity. Cut any losses down to a minimum." I asked, making Lexi snort softly.

"Say that I share what I know. And you make new choices based on the information. What if that brings about the end of humanity? I am left with no safety net, and humanity is left with an even bleaker future- if any. At least this way, I know your ending. And I can say in confidence that it's not in vain."

I frowned. Hange seemed to have a lot to say as well, but her eyebrows were furrowed in deep thought.

"Lexi-"

"No. No!! I refuse to let anyone else carry this burden. Do you know how horrible it feels, having to choose to become a bystander in your best friends' deaths, just because you can't let go of your hopes and dreams of returning to your everyday life?! I just want to go home!! I want to hug my parents and tell them that I'm not dead!! I want to go do the job that I spent my youth studying for!!"

She's crying. I realized, noting the tears streaming down Lexi's face. Frustration, anger, sadness, guilt..... countless emotions lined her features as she hissed in fury, spitting every word with venom.

"I didn't ask for any of this!! I didn't ask to be put here, in this horrible world with horrible food!! I didn't ask to be the only one knowing all this stuff!! I miss my mom's cooking! I miss my dad making stupid puns and jokes to make me feel better when I'm stressed!! I miss my brother sending me random expensive gifts!! I miss having days to myself, where I could do whatever I want instead of working from the moment the sun rises and until the moon sets!!"

"I miss not having to kill people just to survive!!"

Hange and I listened to Lexi in stunned silence, watching her heave heavy, desperate breaths with a worryingly pale face.

"...I miss not having to worry about millions of people's lives at my every single fucking decision." She finished, covering her face with her hands.

She then looked up to meet my eyes, followed by Hange's. A new kind of determined light shone in her lavender eyes- one that sent uncomfortable chills up my spine.

"But you know what the problem is? I'm here. This is my reality now, whether I like it or not, until the day that I get to go back home. So until then, I'm going to deal with it. I'm going to do everything in my power and skills to get back the life that I was born with."

"And nothing will stand in my way."

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5/2/2022

3 pages, 1091 words