Saints or Sinners | {BOOK 3}

19| Internal Struggles

When Meg returned to the cabin a couple hours later, she was stopped short by the Devil's Trap we'd drawn on the floor. She looked around at us as Sam turned on the lights.

"Didn't expect to see you back," he spat.

"Yeah, not without the king's army," Dean added. "Knife."

He held out his hand and she handed him the angel blade she'd had back at the hospital. It was dripping with blood.

"Typical," she scoffed. "I save your bacon, and you're sitting here, waiting by a Devil's Trap. Seriously, I just killed two of Crowley's men. I could have gone the other way on that."

"It's true, incidentally," Cass piped up. "There's other demons' blood on that blade."

"Look, I'm simpler than you think," Meg defended herself as we glared at her. "I've figured out one thing in this world- just one, pretty much. You find a cause, and you serve it. Give yourself over, and it orders your life. Lucifer and Yellow Eyes- their mission was it for me."

"So, what?" Dean asked. "We should trust you just because you wanted to free Satan from Hell?"

"I'm talking cause, douchebag, as in reason to get up in the morning. Obviously, these things shift over time. We learn, we grow. Now, for me currently, the cause is bringing down the King. And I know we'll need help to do it."

"Crowley ain't the problem this year," I pointed out.

"When are you gonna get it? Crowley's always the problem. He's just waiting for the right moment to strike. I know what I'm supposed to do. And it isn't screw with the Winchesters and Eleanor or lose the only angel who'd go to bat for me."

There was a pause following Meg's words and then Sam moved forward to break the Devil's Trap with his foot.

"This is good- harmony and communication," Cass smiled. "Now our only problem is Hester."

"What?" Meg and I chorused.

We gave each other a look as Cass continued.

"Well, here, we're hidden from the Garrison, but when you killed a demon, you put out a pretty clear beacon."

"We need better angel proofing now," Meg said.

Before any of us could move, the door broke down and Hester and two other angels appeared in the room.

"You took the Prophet from us?!" Hester yelled.

"I'm- I'm sorry?" Cass stammered.

"You have fallen in every way imaginable," she spat at him.

"Please, Castiel," one of the other angels said. "We have to follow the code. Help us do our work."

"He can't help you," I glared at them. "He can't help anybody."

"We don't need his help... or his permission."

Hester nodded once and one of her buddies disappeared with a flap of his wings.

"The Keeper goes to the desert tonight," she informed us.

The angel reappeared, this time with Kevin in his grasp.

"Whoa, whoa, whoa," Dean protested. "Back off. We're actually trying to clean up one of your angel's messes! You know that."

"He's right," Castiel nodded. "An angel brought the Leviathan back into this world, and- and they begged him. They begged him not to do it."

"Look, just give us time, okay? We'll take care of your Prophet."

"Why should we give you anything... after everything you have taken from us?" Hester spat. "The very touch of you corrupts. When Castiel first laid a hand on you in Hell, he was lost! For that, you are going to pay!"

She started to move toward Dean.

"Please," Cass stopped her. "They're the ones we were put here to protect."

"No, Castiel."

I yelped as Hester backhanded Cass, causing him to fall to the ground. The other two angels held up their hands to stop Sam, Dean and I from rushing to Cass's aid.

"No more madness!" Hester yelled, punching Cass again. "No more promises!"

Another punch.

"No more new Gods!"

She continued punching Cass repeatedly in the face and then took out her angel blade.

"Hester, no!" one of the other angels grabbed her arm. "Please! There's so few left of us."

She punched him in the face with the hand holding the knife before turning back to Cass.

"You wanted free will. Now I'm making the choices."

As she raised the blade in the air, a white light suddenly blazed from her mouth and eyes and she fell to the ground. Everyone stared at me as I slowly lowered my hand.

"Well... someone had to do it," I pointed out.

One of the angels took away Hester's body while the one who'd tried to stop her talked with Cass. I could still feel eyes on me as Sam and Kevin took a seat at the table. Meg had disappeared and I knew Dean was the one staring. It had been the first time I'd actually used my powers to kill an angel. Yes, I'd done it to demons before, but never angels. I had known I could because of Anna, but I'd never actually tried.

Needing some air, and to escape the feeling of being watched, I stepped out on the front porch for a few minutes. As I stood there, feeling the cool almost-dawn air on my face, I let out all the stress and worries I was bottling up in the form of tears. I missed my kids. I'd just murdered an angel using some stupid divine powers that had basically been dormant for years inside of me. And we still had to get rid of Dick and the other Leviathans using whatever information Kevin had managed to get off of that tablet.

"Ellie Bear?"

"You know, there's so much going on right now," I began, not looking at Dean, "and I thought that maybe if I could just be a part of it more, then maybe I wouldn't feel so useless. But it doesn't matter. Because no matter what I do, I'm still fighting with myself all the time and I just want it all to stop."

Dean didn't say anything, just grabbed me and pulled me into a tight embrace.

"I've had this internal battle with myself going on for months. It's constantly changing whether it's about the kids, or about you or the Leviathans or whatever the hell else. I can't deal with it anymore, Dean."

"Shh, I know," he said gently. "We've all been having a hard time mentally lately. And I'm not trying to downplay, this, I'm not. What I'm trying to say is, I'm here. Sam's here. We're all here for you, Ellie, and you don't have to bottle it up so much. Whether that means you just yell and scream and punch me for a little bit until you cool down or whatever, that's alright."

"Did Kevin figure out how to take down Dick?"

"Yeah, he did, but we don't need to talk about that right now. Are you going to be okay?"

I pulled back slightly, though remained in his arms as I stared up at him.

"Yeah. Yeah, I think I will."

I stood on my tip toes a little as he leaned down to meet me halfway in a slow kiss.