Into The Reality (PUBLISHED UNDER LINES OF LOVE)

Chapter 3.6

"Alice... andito lang ako. Kumain ka muna, hindi magugustuhan ng lola mo kung nag-papalipas ka ng gutom." Hindi ko na napapansin na katabi ko si Martin. Naririndi na ako sa paligid ko. I was staring intently at the coffin. Walang tumutulong luha dahil parang nauubos na ang luha ko. There were no tears, yet my heart was in pain.

Malakas ang ingay sa tenga ko kahit taimtim naman ang burol ni lola. My soul wasn't peaceful. My devastations became a nightmare to me.

"Alice? Love? Kumain ka na, please?" Hindi ko alam pero dahil sa dami ng iniisip ko, nahampas ko si Martin at nahulog niya ang mga pagkain na dala niya na nag-dulot ng eskandalo sa burol.

"Ano ba, Katrina? Wala ka bang respeto sa burol ng lola mo? Ampon ka na nga, wala ka pang magawang tama," lalo akong narindi sa boses ni mama.

Iyak siya nang iyak pero ang pagkabasag ng platong dala ni Martin ay nakakuha ng atensyon niya. I became numb of her words, hindi ako naiyak lalo sa sinabi ni mama. Mama became really harsh. Nakaka-sakit na ang pananalita niya simula nang pinaalis niya si papa pero hindi ako nakakapag-reklamo. Dahil wala naman akong karapatan. Losing two loved ones... it must have been hard for her. Pareho lang naman kaming nawalan.

"Ayos ka lang ba, Martin?" tanong pa ni mama. Na-konsensiya ako kay Martin na ngayon ay nag-dadampot na ng bubog ng plato at baso sa sahig.

"Ah... okay lang po ako. Lilinisin ko na lang po 'yung kalat," kalmado pa ring sagot ni Martin. Bumalik si mama sa kinauupuan niya at hindi na natulungan si Martin, she was busy mourning.

"Okay lang ako, Alice." Even if I caused pain to Martin because of my rudeness, he still managed to smile. "Kukuha ulit ako ng pagkain. Kumain ka, ha."

His kindness and patience for me was limitless. How I acted towards him, and how he responds, just made me realize... that I did not deserve someone like him. Someone like Martin.

Martin was the best gift... that was meant for someone else better. The best gift that I have chosen to let go of.

"Let's break up," I said without looking in his eyes. I didn't want him to see that I was about to cry. Sa dami ng lugar kung saan p'wedeng makipag-hiwalay, dito ko pa talaga pinili, sa kung saan kami nag-kakilala. I asked him to come with me for a walk at our old school where we met each other, and just like he always does, he said yes right away, not knowing that I'll ask him for a break-up.

Ang lakas ng loob ko makipag-hiwalay dahil hindi ako handa, pero alam kong pag-sisisihan ko 'to. I'll regret letting go of the man who did nothing but to love me. "This relationship is meaningless. Bitaw na... bumitaw na tayo." Just like how fast I got the best man I could ever ask for, I lost him just as fast because of my ego and pride telling me that I could survive without him.

"Alice?" His eyes changed... ito nga siguro ang sinasabi nila. Na iba ang mga mata ni Martin kapag masaya siya. Right now, his eyes looked like it lost hope, he looked lost. "Anong problema?"

That was the question he'd always ask every single time I'd say that I want a break-up. He was always willing to fix everything. But he's not a healer. He can't fix everything when the actual problem was in me. I was lost. I was not ready, and I could not supply, reciprocate well, and give back the patient and understanding love he had for me.

"Walang problema," maikling sagot ko at yumuko. I tried hard to keep my face dull and emotionless.

"No. I don't want a break-up, Kat." Napatingin ako sa kan'ya. He only calls me Kat when he's damn serious. "Naguguluhan ka lang. Don't push me away, Alice."

"Hindi ako naguguluhan, Martin."

"Are you sure you want this? Gusto mo ba talaga 'to? Na mawala ako sa buhay mo?" Natahimik ako. Answering this question will just make things complicated. "Hindi mo ba iniisip kung ano ang mararamdaman ko?

"Don't think of chasing me, don't be cheap. Wala na tayo, Martin. Wala na." Tumalikod ako para maglakad at alam kong napako si Martin sa kinakatayuan niya dahil hindi niya ako nagawang habulin.

"You never really cared about how I'd feel, didn't you..." bulong niya na nag-patigil sa'kin.

"Siguro nga. Baka nga wala akong pakialam, Martin," sagot ko sa kan'ya at nagpatuloy sa pag-lalakad, iniwan ko siyang nakatayo, nagmadali na akong mag-lakad habang nahikbi. Hindi na siya nag-salita, he didn't call for me or anything, and honestly, I felt hurt because of that. Alam ko namang darating ang puntong ito... na mapapagod na siyang habulin ako.

The right person will never run, in the first place, he shouldn't even be chasing after me. Maybe, I'm just not the right person for him.

Martin was the only one I had, but I thought that I was not enough for him, no matter how many assurances he'd give.

Martin is someone who will never deserve the pain in life...

But he's not a charity that can help me every single time I can't get a grip of myself.

I can't turn back now. I don't want to turn back; Martin does not deserve me.

And I know, someday... he'll realize that being with me was just a waste of time.

He'll realize soon enough that being with me was not worth it.

I just found myself on top of a building not looking down because it might change my mind. Tumutulo na lang ang luha ko.

My lola's gone, and I let go of Martin. It seemed like I didn't deserve the love. It was like the world gave this struggle and pain to me because I deserved it.

Mas'yado yatang mataas ang tingin sa'kin ng Panginoon... na bigyan ako ng problema na akala niya ay kaya ko.

It was like the end of the story for me, parang wala nang rason para tumayo ulit sa mga sarili kong mga paa nang walang kinakapitan.