The weight of love

Netflix and chill (11)

The day after, I texted Josh asking him to come over to my place. I had managed to raise my mood yesterday with that ridiculously funny performance, but today it wouldn't work.

Sam had been such an asshole, he was making me so angry. Yes we had fucked, but that didn't mean that he had to leave like that.

A few hours later I was sitting on my couch with Josh next to me. He had arrived as soon as possible and we opted for a film.

"Are you excited for our upcoming concert?" He asked, reminding me of New York.

"Omg yes, I am! It's only in 2 weeks!" We decided to watch a science fiction movie, since he loved that genre. We chosen "the Passengers" a film with Jennifer Lawrence.

He had already watched it, but I hadn't. At first we were sitting close, but not close enough to touch, but after only the first 15 minutes we started to cuddle while watching the movie.

His arms were surrounding me and my head was pressed against his chest. His hand was in my hair, casually playing with it and caressing my neck. It was so natural to be in this position with him, so easy, so safe.

I felt like he could protect me from the whole world, except from myself. Because in that moment I felt guilt built up inside of me. Josh and I weren't a couple, but he had always been there for me and what did I do in returning? Sleep with his brother. But the worst part was that I felt something for his brother as well. It was a completely different feeling, but it was there and it made me feel guilty. Well Sam didn't feel the same thing, that meant that it was only a one time thing.

I tried to calm down thinking about that, but it didn't really work. It felt like I had betrayed Josh. Well I had. Even if we hadn't defined our relationship I was sure that he didn't go around fucking every girl he met.

Josh must have noticed, that I was struggling with something, since his hug became tighter. It seemed like he wanted to comfort me and it worked a little bit. I closed my eyes, not caring about the film and enjoyed the feeling of Josh around me.

I didn't know what I would do without him.

"Did you like the movie?" Josh asked as soon as we had turned the TV off.

"Yeah, it was cool" I didn't want to tell, him that I hadn't been paying attention to it at all. I just wanted to spend time with him.

"Great! These two weeks before the concert are going to be really busy, so I don't think that we'll be able to meet again before it..." he said, looking really sorry.

"Ok, no problem. I had a great time Josh. Well, as always when I'm with you." He smiled at me and walked towards the front door.

"Oh before I forget! I've booked a hotel room next to ours in New York" He had what?? He was so adorable and caring.

"Josh! I wanted to book one for me today. How much do I have to give to you?"

"Nothing! It's on me"

"Joshua Michael Kiszka. You are telling me how much money I owe you. End of discussion" He must have noticed how serious I was, since he didn't insist any further. The hotel was pretty expensive but I didn't complain, since I wanted to be as near to them as I could possibly be.

After he left, I went to the kitchen and grabbed a piece of chocolate. The only thing I was thinking about was the upcoming concert. I was so excited to see them again. The last time was amazing but this time... this time would be different, because I personally knew all of the bandmates and had developed feelings for 2 of them.

I checked my phone, not knowing what to do. I had an unread message from Sam. I wondered what he had to tell me... maybe he wanted to apologize? I doubted that, but a girl can have hope.

Sam: I'm really busy, because of rehearsals. We won't have piano lessons these two weeks.

I just left him on read, since I was pissed even more than before. Who did he think he was? God?

Well he for sure looks like one. I thought to myself, quickly pushing the thought away, since I was still angry at him.

I studied for university for an hour, but stopped since I didn't have a lot material and couldn't really concentrate. I put my headphones on and put "St. Anger" on at full volume. Metallica was what I needed.

I started playing an imaginary guitar and an inaginary drum, relieveing all of my stress of the past few days. With every movement of my arms, I felt the stress leaving my body, filling me with a beautiful sense of freedom. I knew that the stress would come back soon, but now it was just me and the music. Exactly how I wanted it to be.