The weight of love

Day 2 (19)

I woke up with a strong headache and a painful hole in my chest. Except for that I didn't feel anything. No anger, no sadness, just numbness. As I made my way towards the kitchen I walked past my mirror. Who - or better what- I saw was unrecognizable. Her eyes were swollen, her makeup smeared across her face and she had messy hair. That wasn't me in the mirror and if it would have been any other day I would have cared. I would have been disgusted by my appearance and the way I was falling apart. I would have thought that I needed to rehearse for the concert, that it was a great opportunity and that I couldn't mess up. But I didn't. Because I didn't care anymore. I just wanted to dig a hole and hide there while staring at the dirt and the ants slowly eating my dead skin.

I walked into my living room, without caring enough about making breakfast or checking the time. Not that I planned on doing anything that day. I wasn't interested in reading or listening to music. I just stared at my wall the whole day. After a  few hours I stopped feeling any sensation of my body, it was just darkness, I was sorrounded by it as it swallowed me. I wasn't connected to my physical self, my soul was flying around somewhere in the room. Nothing mattered anymore, I could just lay there the rest of my life. 

Whenever I was happy I forgot how it felt to be sad. I alway thought happiness was everything I knew, but when the sadness or depression finally kicked in, happiness didn't exist for me anymore. I didn't know what it was, if I had ever experienced it or if things would ever get better. Now I don't even remember what it felt like being sad. I felt nothing and didn't know if I would ever feel again.

The only thing I knew and that I could think of was how cruel someone could be to betray me like that. It was a thought, I wasn't mad at them or sad about it, the only thing I felt was a slight disappointment. Not that things hadn't worked out how I thought they would, but disappointment in them. I had admired them, thought they were great people, wanted to be like them, but at the end of the day they were just humans like the rest of us. They weren't better than every other guy who cheated on their girlfriend. They weren't better than anyone, in fact maybe they were worse. Alway talking about universal love and all that bullshit. Where was that love now? Definitiley not here, with me laying dead-ish on the couch.

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THANK YOU SO SO MUCH FOR 1K READS!!! I am so greatful for all of the support!

Also on a different side, it took me so long to edit this chapter, cause I was watching the heat above music video for the 1000th time. 

Love you all!!! :)