The Finding Tree

Chapter 21 - The Answer

October 28, 1995

Dear Janey,

I received your letter about a week ago, and it's taken me this long to work up the courage to write to you again. I know it wasn't your whole intent, but that letter made me feel something I never want to feel again.

I've been a fuck-up from day one, and it breaks my heart right along with yours.

Hannah had to talk me down from taking a drink. I almost didn't listen to her, but I don't want to lose what progress I've gained over the last two years. One bad day and feeling sorry for myself isn't worth the setback a night of not thinking about my problems would offer.

You're worth more than one night of drinking...and I choose you first.

Janey, I want you to know I heard you. I read every word, and it cut me deep. I never once in my life remember saying I wished you were never born, but I don't doubt you heard it. I know that I said the most horrible things, and did the worst and never remembered any of it.

I want you to know without a doubt, you're the best thing I've ever done. The one and only truly good thing I've created in my life. Without you, there is no reason for me to exist. Without you, I would still be down in the shit pile trying to kill myself.

Without you to reach for...I would never have made it this far. You are worth ten times more than anything I'll ever be, and I'm so damn grateful you were born. Your existence has made me strive to be a better person. You being here created the desire in me to reach for the potential everyone says I have.

It's appropriate I'm writing this to you today. Tomorrow is your birthday, and I remember that day like it is carved in my heart.

The first time I held your tiny body in my arms I thought, "What the hell am I supposed to do now? How can I ever do anything but hurt this perfect, beautiful little creature."

What I wasn't prepared for was the mind bending self-sacrificing love crashing through my soul. I was willing to do anything to keep you safe, even if it was to keep you safe from me.

I still feel that way. I'll do whatever you want me to do Janey. If you want me to stay away, I'll stay away. If you want me to keep writing and be in contact with you, honey I'll do that too. If you want me to come visit; Janey I'll get on the next bus and be there for you as soon as I can.

I'm ready to fight, to earn you back because you deserve someone to stay and I deserve a chance to be there for you, when no one else is. You need someone who loves you unconditionally, and I know that isn't your mother anymore. If she won't do it, I will.

So you tell me what you need, honey. I promise you I'll do it.

I love you,
Dad.

With shaking hands, I gently folded my dad's letter and put it back in the envelope. My heart was beating heavy, and my throat hurt from trying to hold my tears back. I loved him. I loved him so hard. He wanted me back and he was willing to do whatever I wanted to make it happen. I had never had someone fight for my affection and it was foreign. I felt like a visitor in my own skin.

It was late, after lights out, and looking out my window, I saw that the night was clear and cold. I put on my fuzzy socks, the biggest parka I had and snow gloves. Quietly I opened my window and crawled out. Below, across the small lawn, the windows of Crestwood were dark. Only a few had small lights visible.

I breathed the cold air in, felt it crystallize the moisture in my nose.  I pulled the hood with the fur trim, turned and brought out the comforter with me and softly shut the window.

Laying down on the futon, wrapped up in the warmth of my blanket I cuddled into the cold night. My breath made tendrils of steam above me, obscuring the view every now and then. But the stars were clear and I watched as the milky way crawled it's way across the sky.

The realization of the insignificance of my life and all of the problems of the world was oddly comforting. In the grand scheme, I was but a speck of dust lost in the cosmos. A breath exhaled and gone on the breeze. One of a million leaves falling from a tree as the seasons change.

Staring at the stars and lost in my thoughts, I never heard the clatter above, but I did hear the thunk of trainers on my little slice of roof. Looking over I saw a Peter shaped shadow.

In my current mindset, I wasn't afraid, It was expected that he'd find me.

"Peter, you're here."

"I hope you don't mind. I saw you come out, and couldn't help myself."

"You came across the roof?"

"You see that room on the top floor over there, with red coat over the chair? That's me. It's easy to get on the roof from my window ledge. I hope you don't mind me visiting."

He smiled at me, and came closer.

I opened my comforter and beckoned him inside. He settled next to me offering his shoulder for a pillow.

It was quiet, the way only a freezing night can be quiet. No wind, no snow...not even any late traffic on the highway near the school.

"Why are we here Peter?" My voice trembled.

He tucked me closer,  "Hey what brought that up? I can't allow any existential crises on a Tuesday."

His attempt at brightening me up fell flat.

"I don't know, I'm just still sad I guess. I have people here that care about me, but I still feel lost."

He traced the cold tear on my cheek.. and kissed it away.  No response was needed.

"I love my dad so much, but I'm so afraid to let him back in my heart. What if he hurts me again? What if he leaves? What if he falls back into it, and forgets everything he said? He wrote to me again, and he wants me back, he's willing to do whatever I want."

Peter hugged me and sighed, "Janey, I would give anything to have my dad write me a letter, even if it was just for a day. Even if I knew I'd never see him or hear from him again. Loving someone isn't a feeling JJ. It's a choice, a decision... I love my parents, even though they can't love me back anymore. Just like when someone loves you. It's not your choice if they love you or don't. That's why you should never let anyone else determine your value."

"I don't know if I'll ever get there. I just feel things, and love just bubbles up out of me... I can't control it, like a choice. And once it's out there, it's like my heart is on display for anyone to see."

Peter whispered in my hair, "You'll be okay, no matter what you do, Janey.  But I do know that you're incredibly lucky to have a dad that loves you. And he's incredibly lucky to have you love him back. It would be a shame if you both never got to share it together."

He just held me in the cold after that... we lay there cuddled together for heat, until at some point I must have fallen asleep because I woke up in my room, under my comforter with no sign of Peter ever having been there.