The Finding Tree

Chapter 25 -The Night Before

May 24, 1996

The rain had held off just long enough.

I had been able to pack the last of my things in the rented truck Dad had driven all the way here with Hannah for my graduation. He and Miko had loaded everything, tarped it, and tied the whole thing with bungee cords and nylon rope.

We were driving across the country starting tomorrow after the ceremony.

I was going to spend the summer with them at the Lakehouse before heading to college in September. I was so looking forward to seeing my home and my tree. I wanted to talk to it, I wondered if Great Grandma would be able to listen.

I had told everyone I had plans with friends, it was a party night after all, but I just wanted one more time on my roof. I had kept a rolled sleeping bag and a tarp hidden beyond sight outside of the big windows in my room, along with the futon mattress that I had folded up and tucked under the eaves.

The next occupant of this suite would inherit the mattress and the storage chest I kept it in, should they explore this roof top. I smiled with the thought of some girl finding this treasure and enjoying it like I had. It would be a secret, because unless you climbed through the window, you couldn't see there was anything out here.

The clouds were roiling, and I could see lightning in the distance. Spring in the Northeast was notably turbulent. A fitting representation of my current mindset.

Climbing out on the flat surface, I brought my snack bag with me and the thermos of hot chocolate. I had been gifted these treasures from the Sunshine Diner, where Miko, Ginny, dad, Hannah and I all had dinner. Eileen took my thermos from my backpack and brought it back full, along with the bag of pretzels, from the snack shelf they kept stocked in front of the to go counter. I was going to miss that woman.

The darkness hid my tears.

I missed Peter. I missed talking with him. I missed how funny he was. He could make me laugh over the silliest things. I don't know if it was because of the foreign accent, or being raised in a different country, but he had odd terms for things that just ended up being absolutely hilarious. I kept telling him he needed to make me a vocabulary list, I had yet to receive it.

Marcie and Richard were flying in tomorrow, with a surprise for me she said. I was pretty sure it was going to be a car, which might be useless, because I only had my permit so far. I was dubious, but I was looking forward to seeing them. She was still my mother.

Snuggled on the futon, tucked in the sleeping bag, I looked at the dark clouds and dug out the bag of honey mustard pretzel pieces and steaming thermos. These were my junk food options of choice, and tonight I was indulging.

A quick scratch, scrabble and soft thunk hit my roof and I knew it was him. I was immediately relieved, elated and on the verge of crying. Again.

I didn't turn around. "Hi Peter."

"Why haven't you tried to talk to me, Janey."

Still facing away from him, I looked up at the clouds and darkness. Listened to the music and squeaks of the two different graduation bashes within hearing distance.

"I figured you would talk to me if you wanted to...I knew there was nothing I could say, you made it pretty clear you didn't want to be around me."

He sighed. His voice was soft. "I just wanted to apologize, I'm just so sorry. I never wanted to hurt you."

I was silent for a minute, because I couldn't figure out what to say? What was he sorry for? Leaving me with no explanation? Disappearing from my life for almost two months? Did he want me back? Why?

I went with the last one. "Why Peter?" My voice caught, and it came out more like a whisper than a question. I slumped with the release of the words. My shoulders crumpled under the slippery nylon shell of the sleeping bag.

He shuffled a bit. "Can I sit down?"

I didn't move, but I didn't tell him no. I heard him settle on the hard roof behind me. "You know about my parents, right? Well, my mum had a necklace like the one you have. I haven't seen it in a long time, and seeing a similar one on you, brought it all back."

I turned over my shoulder and looked at him in the darkness. "Are you okay?"

Peter shook his head. "No, but I just wanted to see you tonight before we graduate tomorrow. And to apologize, and let you know, none of this is your fault. You've been nothing but sweet and kind....and fucking perfect, and I'm an arse for ever hurting you."

I crumpled lower. My voice was thick. "Peter, I would have given you everything if you had asked me for it. I wanted you to be my first. I... I loved you"

I heard a sigh from behind me and a cough. "When I was running away...I heard you." He was quiet for a moment, then continued. "I wish I could love you back the way you deserved to be loved....but I can't. I'm not ready. Everybody I love dies. I can't.... God this is hard.... I can't love you JJ, I wish I could."

We were both silent for a while, except for my sniffing. Peter cleared his throat. "I heard from Mel you accepted a scholarship from a small college out in Oregon."

"Yes, Lewis and Clark College in Portland. They have a good writing program. I think I want to go into journalism."

"That's good...you'll be great at that. I guess that's about as far from Columbia as you can get." I heard him chuckle. "I suppose we'll never see each other again."

We watched the storm bolt and boil in the distance inching ever closer. I heard Peter's shoes crunch on the tar covered roof, as he moved to get up.

I whipped around and reached for his ankle. I couldn't let him go like this. I had no pride. Love never did.

"Peter, don't go yet. Please don't go," I sobbed. "Please stay with me tonight. Please...I don't want to be alone."

Peter dropped to his knees and gathered me, sleeping bag and all to his chest and rocked me in his arms. "Oh Janey, of course I will...Of course I will." He kissed my temple, my cheeks, my tears.

He wrapped me up against him. His sweatshirt rustled against the sleeping bag, and we laid down together in the darkness. I sobbed in his chest for all the things we couldn't have and all the things that might have been, but never would.

I couldn't blame him. He was right. His people died. Love was dangerous and futile. All it did was cause pain.

He held me and shushed me until I fell asleep in fitful shuddering sighs against him. I was complete in my love and the realization that it didn't need to be returned to be real. I knew that we were over, and I was starting college in the fall with a clean slate. But I also knew without a doubt, I would never love anyone else the way that I loved Peter McDonagh.

******

In the early hours of the morning, the rain finally started to spatter. The storm finally hit, so the boy covered her as best he could, knowing this was the last morning he would ever see her. He picked her up and carried her through the open window.

Laid her warm frame, wrapped snugly in the green sleeping bag, on the bare mattress. The boy took off his hooded sweatshirt and put it beneath her head as a pillow. Leaned down and softly, gently melded his lips with hers. She sighed and smiled in her sleep.

"Just because I can't love you....doesn't mean I don't want to."

He whispered these words in her hair, breathed her scent of forest and cocoa deep in his chest and held his breath. He rose to his feet, slipped through the window, and shut it softly behind him, leaving a smear of tears on the sill.