The Finding Tree

Chapter 30 - The Confession

They sat at a small table in the back of the dark room. The place smelled of beer and football, and about three decades of history.

She had ordered a Reuben and salad, and Peter, after thinking of something different changed his mind after hearing Janey's order and got the same thing. Along with a pint of Guinness to go along with Janey's Raspberry Tea.

Denis Flannery was behind the bar today and knew Janey by name. She'd done a write up on the place last month for a benefit they held for a local firefighter who was battling lung cancer. He showed them the best table and comp'ed their drinks.

Peter had shared his artistic journey with Janey on the walk over, and even carried her messenger bag. Still a gentleman she mused.

But now he was nervous, a little twitchy and his leg bounced under the table.

"Peter," she reached for his fist on the table. "You've come this far... please just tell me. I'm not going anywhere."

He sighed. Looked down and ran his hands through his hair.

"I lied to you."

Janey sat back and put her hands in her lap. She looked out the window, and smiled sadly. "I know... you led me to believe we had something special, but..."

"That's just it. Janey... " he sat forward and choked out the words. "I really did love you. and I was such a cowardly shit that I pushed you away."

Janey's eyes grew big and she put her hand to her throat. "Why? Peter...god, Why?"

Peter reached for her hand again, but just touched her fingers, caressing them on the table.

"I was a rotten kid."
He chuffed a little, and continued.

"I was an 'only child', entitled and spoiled by my parents. They treated me like the center of their world, and I believed it. At ten, I was still throwing fits to get my way. And that night, I threw a ripper.

Dad was going to take mum out for their anniversary, and I wanted to go, too. I couldn't see a reason why they wouldn't want to take me with them. and I hated staying with my Nanna. All she did was watch TV and sleep.

I screamed at my mum that night. Told her I hated her for leaving me there and that I wished she was dead. I pushed her hard. She was crying and trying to hug me, and my dad pulled me off her, walloped me good for laying hands on her, just as I deserved."

"But I wasn't done..." Peter's voice wobbled.

"I ripped the necklace off her neck and yelled that I hoped they both died, as they left me there with Nanna.

I didn't realize I'd get exactly what I wanted. Janey...that's why I couldn't deal with you wearing a necklace like hers..I just lost it again."

Janey's face was streaked in tears. "Peter, you have to know that the accident wasn't your fault. Lots of kids do stupid things out of jealousy or anger. Your mom would have known..."

Peter looked down and then looked at her intensely.

"But what if I did something like that again? I loved my parents deeply, and yet I told them that I wished they were dead, and the universe listened. They died...that night."

He inhaled and continued, "I know in my head that I didn't cause the wreck, but my heart isn't so sure. I also knew without a doubt, I loved you deeply...but I couldn't live with myself if something like that happened again."

"But now you've grown, right? You've decided that won't happen again. You have to forgive yourself, Peter."

The meals were served then and they ate without focusing more on the obvious connection and blockage that pulled them together but pushed them apart.

When the plates were taken away, Janey took a sip of her Raspberry tea and looked Peter in the eye.

"Why are you here with me now, though? What's changed? It's been eight years, we've both obviously grown apart, what's your truth?"

He looked at her, grabbed her hand again, and squeezed.

"That's what I'm trying to tell you, Janey. I've never stopped loving you. I don't think I can stop. I love you. I loved you then...and I love you now. You're just as special as you always were, even more beautiful and so incredibly resilient and smart. I treated you like shit...and you handled it like a fucking queen."

Janey was stunned. She sat there absorbing his words. Her mind was a mess of history and future. Her heart was cracking again... little bits of icy frost were melting and dripping off the outside and down to her soul.

Only Peter could do this, no matter if she wanted it or not.

"Walk with me Peter? I need to move and think...and I need to ask you about a thousand questions."

***

They spent the day together. Janey texted Denise that she was getting an exclusive interview that would take longer than just a few hours.

Her editor cleared her schedule and sent back a note that said, "Go get em' Tiger. This better be worth it!"

She and Peter toured the downtown area from one side the other. They walked around the Browns Stadium, looked at the beautiful architecture of City Hall. They both ogled the Art Nouveau glass and iron work of the Arcade and ended up walking along the raised Shoreway at sundown.

Janey told him about Ben and the proposal she turned down. She shared Mabel and the truth of the journal's secrets. She gave him a little more history about the Lakehouse, Mabel and a little about the special tree that she knew as a child. He'd just come back into her life; how could she trust him with more?

Peter's track record was sketchy at best, but he was fast making up for lost time.

As twilight settled along the shoreway, the wind picked up, and Peter took off his jacket and offered it her.

He wrapped her up in a hug, that she melted into.

"Do you still wear it?"

Janey pulled the gold chain from her blouse and held it up by two fingers.

"I didn't until recently, but now I do."

"I'm glad."

Peter cupped her face looked hopeful, but knew he wasn't worthy of her forgiveness. But he asked anyway. "May I have another first kiss?"

Appreciative of the bravery, Janey nodded, and when his lips met with hers there was warmth, tenderness and a passion she didn't know existed.

He kissed her like it was the first time, but better. Like he was trying to apologize with his heart. He kissed her with all the memory and yearning of a man, not a boy.

He kissed her like he loved her.

When he pulled back he gave her a lopsided smile.

"Do you remember that old saying, if you love something set it free...?"

"Albert Schweitzer..." Janey smiled back. "If they come back then they are yours..."

"I am yours, Janey. I always was."He looked at each feature of her face, and ran his hands over her hair. "Will you take me home please?"