Alive Again (English Version)

25.Time

25.

I shouldn't have wasted those days 
And afternoons and mornings 
[...]
I've looked in the mirror
My world's getting clearer
So wait for me this time
(Chantal Kreviazuk-Time)

Lexa wanted to cry. She had put herself into the worst situation possible. All she should have done was get off the roof of that damn trailer, say goodbye to Clarke and say the right things, something like see you soon or let's keep in touch. For sure, kissing her and sleep with her shouldn't have happened in the slightest. Lexa covered her face with the sheets, forcing herself not to make any sound. Clarke was sleeping blissful, unaware of the tragedy unfolding next to her. Yeah, Clarke. Lexa turned to her. Although in the dim light of the night, she was so beautiful. Long blonde hair framed her face and her hands clenched next to her nose made her look almost like a little girl. Lexa felt the tears peeping out and drove them back, she didn't even know how.

"I'm sorry." she whispered. She got up and ran to the bathroom. She needed to wash her face and come back to her senses. She couldn't afford to abandon herself to her feelings, not in that moment. She looked up. The image reflected in the mirror was staring at her, her eyes full of pain. Lexa shook her head. She closed the tap and went back to the room. She picked up her clothes from the ground and turned to Clarke again. She was still sleeping and Lexa couldn't stop thinking about how much she would have liked to go back to lay next to her, hold her to herself, get lost in her, in her scent, in her blue eyes. No, she had to stop. There would have never been any future for her and Clarke. She got dressed in silence, weeping. She wiped her eyes with the sleeve of her sweatshirt and started gathering her belongings. She approached the bed again and sat down, her gaze staring at Clarke, her emerald irises intent on fixing in her memory every detail of that young woman who, Lexa was more than sure, had now stolen her heart. Two big tears fell on the sheet and, for a moment, the actress feared she couldn't hold any longer. With the back of her hand she caressed the blonde's cheek, with a care and tenderness that she had never reserved for anyone. But when Clarke moved, she immediately withdrew. The terror that she would have woken up and would have found her in those conditions took her breath away. She couldn't be caught up in that state. She would have be forced to lie to her and she was aware that she would haven't been able to do it. She caressed her face for one last time. She didn't want to leave. She didn't want to separate from her. Yet, she had no choice. She leaned forward and kissed her forehead, slowly.

"May we meet again." she whispered. It was a promise, more to herself than to Clarke. She would have tried in every way to see her again, even for a miserable and insignificant moment. After that day, Clarke would have hated her, she knew it well. And she would have had the right to do it. Yet, Lexa would have never lied, not to herself at least. She would have never forget her, she would have never been able to do it. She was running away out of love, after all. She was sacrificing everything out of love. She headed to the door, no longer turning around. She knew that if she did, she would have no longer had the strength to leave.

"Lex.". That voice. Lexa was frozen, her heart in her throat. She heard Clarke turn in bed, a sign that she was still sleeping.

"I love you.". And Lexa felt like dying.

"Are you okay? Why don't you come back to bed?". Lexa shook her head. She had been awake for at least an hour now, leaning against Ethan's crib. During her absence Clarke had decided to arrange the house a little and move the baby to another room to give them some privacy. Lexa had been a little hesitant at first, scared of the idea of not being able to intervene in time in case of an emergency, but then gave in. That was right, after all. They needed their spaces, it was time. The truth was that she had used Ethan as an excuse not to face her own past and feelings for Clarke, for the umpteenth time. Remembering was so scary, so painful. Too painful.