Vanished

Rain

9 years earlier. Portland, OR.

It rained again. I pulled the hood of my rain jacket up over my head and stepped out of the warm car and out onto the university's back parking lot and the steady downpour of water. We'd been in Oregon for almost a year and I still wasn't used to the weather. Or the area itself.

Sure, I could find my way to and from the university and to the part-time job I had at a small accounting firm, but I had no idea where the mall was, and I'd only been to the coast once with my brother. We'd gone on a day trip in the fall before he started his last year of high school and I started my first year of college.

Other than that I didn't go to many places. I'd made a couple of friends at college and we met up at a local burger joint on Saturdays if we were all free, which was usually every other Saturday. But that was really it.

I spent most of my time studying, working, or hanging out with my brother. I missed my friends in Georgia, and I missed Ellie, but there was absolutely nothing I could do about that. The situation we were in sucked.

I swore out loud as a particularly powerful wind gust swept water up into my face and blinded me for a second. After swiping it off with my hand as best as I could, I picked up my pace. I was running late for class and the potential of drawing attention to myself for something so minuscule made me anxious.

We'd been told daily over the last five years that we needed to blend in. Everything about us, where we lived, what we looked like, how we dressed and where we went to school and what we did with our spare time were all geared towards appearing to be normal, middle class Americans. Nothing special in either direction. Not bad and nothing too good. We needed to stay away from anything that would draw attention.

It was exhausting.

I slid into a chair in the lecture hall of Econ 101 with a pounding heart and a minute to spare. It was the last lecture before finals and I needed the review. The water dripped from my coat and created wet spots on the floor, but then so did several other people's.

I wiped my face with the sleeve of my shirt and took the laptop out of my soaking wet backpack. There was light chatter in the room, which stopped temporarily when our professor stepped into the room but continued at a lower volume as he unpacked his bag.

My buddy Wally slunk down onto the chair next to me.

I gave him a nod, and he flashed his almost constant grin my way.

We spent the next hour reviewing facts and going through things that would be on the final. The test calculated for 30% of the grade, so even though I had a B average in the class, I needed to get a good grade to make sure I passed.

When the class ended, I hurried to pack up. I had an hour to get my brother from school and bring him home before I had to be at work across town.

A couple of girls that were friends with Wally stopped next to his desk.

"Ladies," Wally greeted them, while I nodded a hello. They both smiled happily despite the weather and the upcoming final and proceeded to tell Wally about some birthday party they were going to have.

The one girl reminded me of Ellie. The coloring was all wrong. She had darker hair and eyes, and she was shorter than Ellie, but there was something in the way she smiled and the way she moved.

I hadn't talked to Ellie since we left that night. I hadn't been allowed to, and the agent had taken my phone before we left for the airport. Once we got to the new house, I had a new one with a new number to match my new name, but with none of my contacts.

We'd been strictly instructed not to look anyone up, but I had. One night during the fall semester, I'd had a bit of a breakdown and looked up Ellie's social media profiles. It had hurt to see her beautiful face, and the fact that she wasn't smiling made me hurt even more because I knew me leaving was the reason for it.

I wish I could have told her I didn't leave because I wanted to, and that it had absolutely nothing to do with her. I would have stayed with her if I could've.

Ellie had ended up not going to the University of Georgia and I was a bit surprised to see she'd chosen to go to North Carolina. But I didn't blame her. All those plans we'd made were just thrown into the wind the night my family was forced to move. Again.

"John," I heard someone say as I zippered up my book bag. But I was all in my head thinking about Ellie and wondering if she had already finished up her first year? And where she was working for the summer? All I had to do to find out was look up her social media. I just wasn't brave enough. I wouldn't be able to handle it if she was dating someone else. One heartbreak was enough.

"John."

"John Miller!" Wally's large hand grabbed my shoulder and jostled me.

"Sorry," I said and shrugged off his hand. "What's going on?"

The girls laughed.

"I've been calling you, man," Wally chuckled.

Oh fuck.

John. Yeah, that was supposed to be me.

I tried to laugh it off. "What's going on?" I asked again.

"Jen and April want to know we want to go see that new band that's playing tomorrow?"

I looked up and met April's eyes. At least I thought the one that reminded me of Ellie was April. She smiled at me while she twirled a strand of her hair between her fingers and there was a slight blush on her face. She was definitely cute, and she appeared interested.

Damn.

It had been 11 months since I saw Ellie and I hadn't even hugged a girl since then. Just looking at another girl with some interest felt like cheating.

"Sounds cool, but I don't think I can."

"Oh, man. Come on, John. You got to live a little."

I forced out a laugh. If he only knew. Living- or more accurately, trying to stay alive- was exactly what I was trying to do.

"I'll text you if anything changes," I told him, and I was out of there.