Vanished

Aubrey

"Well," Brian had said, and rubbed his hand across his stubbled jaw, "at least you know why he left."

I couldn't help but chuckle, because that was the only good thing in this whole mess. Oh, and that I had him back, of course. Although I wasn't all that sure that I did have him back. Austin had been very reluctant to talk to me ever since I told him about the man outside BioloGen, and that hurt.

The last updates I'd gotten were a couple of days earlier, letting me know the man had left Arizona and, as far as Alex could tell, his last sighting was in Nevada.

After the initial shock wore off, Brian's training kicked in and he suggested a couple of things immediately; take a self-defense class and learn how to shoot a gun.

They were sound advice, and something I'd thought of myself, but hearing someone say it out loud made me frighteningly aware of my new reality. And then I felt guilty for feeling that way. Austin and Alex dealt with this kind of anxiety all the time, so I should be able to handle it as well. But then, they also knew what to do.

I was constantly on my toes. I looked over my shoulders and waited for the next shoe to drop. My heart rate was elevated more times than not. Small sounds frightened me and I thought I saw bogeymen in every shadow.

But, I did something about it. I was proactive. Both for my own safety and so I could tell Austin that I was taking care of myself and making sure I knew how.

I signed up for the self-defense class Brian had recommended and dragged Aubrey along with me. I didn't tell her why we needed to attend one so urgently and she didn't ask, but I felt her study me out of the corner of her eye.

She worried about me, and so did my parents, even though they knew even less than Aubrey did. I suspected she thought someone had attempted to force themself on me and that was why it was so urgent for me to take these classes. I felt guilty about keeping the truth from her, but her safety was more important, and I'd promised Austin and Alex I wouldn't talk about it.

But even with that in mind, there had been several times where I almost told her the truth.

Besides the self-defense classes, I decided it was time to get in shape. If I had to run away from someone again, like I had to do with Austin in Boston, it would help if I could last more than a couple of minutes. Austin might not be there to drag me along next time. So I acquainted myself with the gym in my apartment building. It was a very nice space with tons of intimidating equipment, but I didn't let it overwhelm me. I focused on the treadmill to begin with.

Austin had told me it was important to change up the daily routine. That was why he came and went to the office in Boston at all different times, so I started to do that as well. Some days I went to the gym in the morning and arrived at the office just before nine. Others I was in the office by 7:30 am and went to the gym after work.

Taking control of my life and my safety, at least to the extent I could, helped calm me down. I was still scared, but I wasn't frightened out of my mind at the sight of every unknown man.

But then there was a whole other heartache to worry about.

Two weeks had passed without as much as a peep from Austin. He hadn't responded to any of my texts or calls and after a while, I felt stupid. Like I was chasing him all over again.

One day after the self-defense class, I couldn't keep it together any longer. I broke down and told Aubrey everything. We sat in her car outside the building and I bawled my eyes out while she just stared at me, eyes wide and open-mouthed.

"Oh my god," was her only response, and she used it frequently.

"You don't think I'm crazy for wanting to be with him again?" I asked reluctantly once she knew the truth, because I was worried about her response. Her opinion mattered more to me than anyone else's. Because I knew that being with Austin could put me in danger, and possibly Aubrey and her family as well.

She didn't even have to think about the response. "No," she said and shook her head quickly. "Not at all."

She must have seen the hesitation on my face, because she continued. "You forget I was there when he left the first time around. I know what you're like with a broken heart, and I never want you to have to experience that again."

I sniffled and wiped at my eyes. Aubrey had always been there for me. She was my greatest cheerleader and supporter. She could be pushy at times when she wanted me to get back out there into the dating pool, or when she didn't approve of whoever I'd chosen to go on a date with, but in the end, I knew she loved me unconditionally and only wanted what was best for me.

"Let me ask you this, and promise to answer without thinking about it too much," she said.

"Okay."

I cleared my throat and looked up at her through my wet lashes. She had a somber expression on her face.

"Do you love him?"

"Yes." That one was easy.

"Do you see yourself ever settling down with anyone else?"

"No."

I had thought I could before I met Austin again, but ever since we reconnected, I didn't think there would ever be anyone but him for me. It didn't feel like it would be worth it. If I couldn't have him, I might as well be the old cat lady with purple hair and too many opinions.

"Then what are you waiting for?" she asked in the tone she used with Brielle when she was disappointed at something she'd done. "You need to call him and tell him exactly what you want, Ellie."

I had tried. That wasn't the problem.

"He hasn't responded to my texts," I admitted.

She shrugged. "Maybe he can't. Maybe something is going on."

"Like what?"

She shrugged her shoulders.

"I don't know. You've seen what his life is like. After everything you just told me, I think you need to cut him some slack. I don't think he's ghosting you."

I hoped she was right, but then the alternative that something had happened was equally, if not even more, frightening.