RAYA FF: TVAM, MAMA JEEVANA HETUNA

Tarun- the introspection guide!

Ram's drive back from the pharmacy and confectionary store to Kapoor Mansion took him about half an hour. He drove his car at a considerably high speed once he started on his way back home, given his eagerness to reach Priya as  soon as possible.
On entering through the massive doors of Kapoor Mansion, Ram saw his dearest Tarun standing near the dining table wrapping things up for the night whilst he waited for Ram to return.
But a look at the bags Ram carried brought a frown on his face followed by a knowing smile. The Ram Kapoor who never in his life had gone out to the pharmacy store to even buy a single a strip of his pills was now carrying a pharmacy bag. If he were to be wise enough to connect the dots, Tarun somehow figured what the bag contained.  Seeing Tarun smile like he found his favourite candy in his plain vision had Ram clear in his throat to get his attention.
"Tarun? Why are you looking at me like that, man?"
"Nothing! Nothing at all, Sir! I am just surprised you went to the pharmacy yourself", said Tarun as he pointed with his eyes towards the bag in Ram's hand.
Ram, for a second felt like he was caught stealing something precious. He wondered if he could just tell Tarun. But, something in his heart stopped him... perhaps a flicker of fear that it all might just be a false alarm, and, in that case, raising the hopes of those who loved him and his wife beyond coherent limits would mean that he took the risk of playing with their feelings. And a doubt whether Priya would be on-board to share the news with others just yet. Once they would confirm it and Priya would agree to telling the news, Ram thought, he could... no, he would tell Tarun everything. After-all, he would surely need extra hands to take care for his pregnant wife.
Making up his mind, then, that he would not tell Tarun about the doubt they now had until they confirmed it themselves, Ram cleared his throat as he answered Traun's inquisitive query about his midnight pharmacy excursion, "Ya! Actually, woh... uhm! It was a specific medicine for Priya and... ahhh! I thought I should get it myself... you know, I had to go from one store to another for an hour before I found it... so, urmm! I thought it won't feel good to have you wander from one place to another so late at night. *laughing awkwardly*Priya would have made me sleep in the guest room for putting you through so much trouble. So ya...uhm! that's why! No other reason! Not that I am hiding something from you."
Tarun, being a keen observer and wise man, saw the play of a million of emotions on Ram's face as he replied to him, clearly hiding what Tarun already knew. For a second, Tarun thought to tell Ram, in a rather amusing way, that he kinda had an idea about "what's baking in the Kapoor's oven". But Tarun had known Ram since his childhood and in knowing him, he realised one thing, that while ram was a rich guy, what he didn't have was precious family moments to cling onto. Even after his marriage to Priya, the duo rarely got a chance to enjoy their life as they pleased to, without any interference. Even if they'd plan for a birthday to be celebrated in the privacy of their room, either Ram's friends or the Soods would show up to intrude in the couple's private time. It was obvious, then, that Ram was once again trying to protect what could be a precious moment for him and his beloved wife. He understood Ram's need for privacy... his need to hold onto this new ray of sunshine all to himself for a while. And fortunately, no one other than him was around, nor were they expecting anyone to show up uninvited because after-all it was just another day in everybody else's life, with no one even having a slight whiff of what was cooking between Ram and Priya, except him. Tarun wanted Ram and Priya to have this moment to themselves and so he decided to not say anything to Ram. He'd wait for him to come to him and tell him what he already knew. But until then he's feign ignorance. And, so he simply nodded as he spoke, "Okay Sir. Take care of bhabhi. Have a good night. And if you both need anything, just ping me."
"Good night, Tarun."
Tarun simply smiled at Ram and got back to cleaning the dinning table. And seeing him get back to work, Ram turned on his feet and started walking upstairs towards his room. But then he suddenly remembered he and Priya never got to have their dinner. So he went back down to where Tarun was,
"Ahhhh! Tarun... i know it's quite late and you are about to retire for the night but would you be able to whip us a light meal? Priya hasn't had anything since she threw up and she really needs to have her food. I'll too have whatever you make for her."
Tarun smiled seeing Ram's concern for Priya's health. With a warm heart he said, "It hardly matters, Sir. As I said, if you need me, I am here. And bhabhi needs to eat well now.... Urmmm! I meal after been sick twice, today, as you said. It'll take me about 15-20 minutes to make her favourite clear soup and warm up some bread slices for you both. You go to her, Sir, and I'll bring the food to your room. Should I get it as soon as it's ready, or wait for you to ping me once bhabhi is ready to eat?"
Ram got lost contemplating whether or not should he ask Tarun to come to their room just yet, considering Priya might want to take the tests before dinner. But then he looked into the bag in his hand and realised that his wife might actually be pregnant... a condition in which he had heard that the expectant mother should not stay empty stomach for longer durations. The test could wait another hour or so, but his wife needed to have her food first for the sake of their foetus and her own health. He cleared his throat and said, "Yes! Bring it upstairs in fifteen minutes, if that's okay for you, Tarun."
Tarun smiled and nodded his head, said a yes, and went into the kitchen to warm their dinner. Ram, in the meanwhile, turned around and went to his room, expecting to find his wife sleeping.
When Ram reached their room, however, he was surprised for a second to find the bed empty. He, then, got scared thinking perhaps Priya was feeling sick again and so he moved towards the bathroom to look for her. Fortunately, however, he remembered Tarun telling him over the call that he saw Priya resting in the balcony.
Reaching the balcony, he noticed she was reclining on of the loungers in their balcony, lost in some thoughts, with her teary eyes looking into oblivion and her one hand nestling her stomach where probably their child was resting. The sight of her hand on her stomach was a heart warming sight for Ram but her sullen eyes was a cause of his worries. He felt like he needed to talk to her. And he knew he needed to do it before they took those tests. So, keeping the bag on the nearby table, he moved towards Priya who clearly hadn't even noticed him coming back. He moved towards her and lightly touched her shoulder, "Priya?"
His light touch on her shoulder startled her a bit as she was brought out of her reverie. She looked at him for a second with confused eyes trying to gather her thoughts, as he moved to sit beside her. He gently wiped the stray tear lingering near her left eye and held her hand as he asked, "What happened Priya? What were you muttering to yourself? Share with me what's going on in your head
pretty lady so that I can help you solve any issues you might have?"
For a second, Priya wondered what did she have to say to him, before she remembered that he was out for more than two hours... leaving her in a vulnerable state. And just the thought of that was enough to make her snap at him, "Where the hell were you, Ram? What took you so long?"
To say he was perplexed would be an understatement to say how shocked he was to see her snap out of the blue at him like that. True she was always "the Sherni" to his meek self but never had she ever snapped at him without any reason. But somewhere, he could now understand it wasn't Priya but her raging hormones and her emotional vulnerability that were making her behave in ways she normally wouldn't. He thought to lighten up the moment, "Well, sweetie! You said not to do my happy dance in front of you. So I kinda took a long joyride to compensate for no dancing."
He said this hoping she'd mellow down and get back at him with a sarcastic reply. But what he didn't expect was her anger rising a notch higher listening to him... a testament to which we're her next words, "You went for a joyride... a joyride? When your wife was home alone waiting for you to show up with those god damn tests that might just change our lives forever? Is this a joke to you, Ram? Do you even care..."
She was just starting to lash at him, but a violent wave of nausea stopped her from speaking further as she clasped her hand at her mouth, pushed Ram aside a bit and dashed for the bathroom and commode to throw up for the third time in a day. The wave of nausea was so violent, that she ended up puking a little on herself and her clothes, before she managed to reach the commode and sit on the toilet floor with her head down the commode retching her gut out.
And that is the state Ram, who had rushed to the bathroom right behind her to help her, found her in. He rushed to her side, gathered her hair in his fist and started rubbing her back, muttering assurances of everything getting fine.
Priya didn't have much to retch in her stomach, considering she neither had her lunch nor her dinner and yet she continued to heave and puke the bits of pieces of food she had eaten before lunch. With her eyes watering up, after a few minutes, she just leaned back on Ram, forgetting about her anger, as she felt her body being taken over by exhaustion and lack of energy to stay bent over the commode anymore. Ram securely held her in his warm embrace rubbing her arm up and down, whispering, "Shhh! It'll be all right, Priya! You are one brave woman and you've got this... I love you and I am right here with you", as he went ahead to lightly kiss her on her head.
But the moment she registered his last sentence, she jerked away from his embrace with a new found energy. She turned her back to him as she got up from the bathroom floor, staggering a bit but denying Ram's extended hand. How could she? She couldn't think straight. All she knew in that moment was that her husband, left her alone and went for a two hour long joyride. With her back still turned to him, she felt a trickle of warm tear make its way down her face, as she found herself lost in her thoughts. Thoughts of how her husband didn't care. When she was in their room, worried sick about the unplanned turn of their lives, he was out their rejoicing it even before confirmation. True, she felt now that it was probably true that she was pregnant and true, it would be a new found joy for them... but eventually. A lot of things had to talked out right now but her husband probably had no care in the world about her feelings, her apprehensions... all that mattered to him and his "male ego" was that "he did it". Her heart refused to agree to her thoughts of Ram being an uncaring, male chauvinist husband who was rejoicing getting the chance of keeping his wife barefoot and pregnant in his kitchen. Her heart kept telling her that he cared, that he was happy for them, that he wasn't a male chauvinist who would chain her down and that he would never force his decisions on her... and yet her muddled emotions couldn't let her think or act straight.
With her anger still at its peak, then, she turned around and moved past him to the bathroom sink... to clean up. But even before she could reach the aisle, she stumbled a bit, only to be held by Ram.
"Come, let me help you clean up!"
"No! I'll do it myself. Thank you very much."
"Priya, come on! Your clothes are dirty, too... please let me help you clean up. It'll be less strenuous for you, sweetie!"
"Didn't you hear. I. SAID. I. WILL. DO. IT. BY. MYSELF. Please leave."
"Priya, baby... please don't be stubborn! You aren't feeling well and you are too weak to do all this alone..."
"Oh so now that's what I am and will be... weak, fragile, glass doll who you think might break even if she moves a finger? Is that how it will be if I am in fact pregnant, Ram? Chained to live within the massive four walls of your house, dependent on others because YOU think I am fragile. Guess what, I am NOT. I am strong and I am independent. You can go take all the joyrides you want to. I don't care. Please, LEAVE."
"Priya, you know I didn't mean it like that. You were feeling sick, moments ago, your legs are wobbly. You are not weak or fragile, but you are unwell... so please! Please baby, come! Let help you cleanup."
Ram tried to extend his arm and hold her but she snapped his extended hand away, moved a step back and almost yelled, "WHY SHOULD I? Why should I, Ram? You left us... you left us and went when we needed you. You don't care..."
And with that Priya broke down into a fresh set of tears streaming down her eyes. Ram's heart broke seeing her so vulnerable. He understood her mental state. This was a shock more than a surprise to her. She wouldn't be unhappy about the baby but she was also stressed about it all. And he understood. So he simply moved forward and gathered her in his arms as he reassured her, "I didn't go anywhere, baby. I am right here with you, not to control you but to hold you when you stumble. And I'll be here... I promise! Now please let me help you cleanup."
With almost no strength left in her body, Priya simply nodded her head and let him take care of her. In her heart, she wanted this... to be held by him, to be cared for by him, to have him by her side. But she also felt vulnerable— vulnerable to have lost some semblance of control she had over her life, vulnerable with the dread that she might have to seek the help of other's through her journey of motherhood, vulnerable with the worry about her aims and ambitions taking a back step... and yet she knew he'll be there for her always. So she let him tend to her.
Ram, silently, helped her walk to the sink and gave her the glass of water to rinse her mouth and drink a few gulps of it as well. He then took her hand and made her sit on the stool in the corner near the tub as he moved around expertly drawing a bath for her— filling their tub with water and essential oils... but not before doing a quick Google search if they were pregnancy safe. Over-cautious much? But to him all that mattered was Priya and their baby... the fact that they had really accepted the fact that they were expecting a hold even before a test kit confirmation felt as if they were attuned to the vibes around them, feeling it within their hearts and souls.
As the tub filled with lukewarm water, Ram made Priya stand up from the stood ever so gently and helped her removed her soiled clothes, only to dump them in the laundry basket. He, then, gently but strongly took her hand, made her step into the bathtub and carefully helped her settle in the lukewarm water.
"Lean back and close your eyes for a few minutes, Priya. You'll feel good. I'll be right back. Hmm?"
But as soon as she saw him turn in his heels to go out of the bathroom, she held his hand and stopped him in his tracks, "Where are you going, Ram? Please don't go... I need you!"
Ram turned around to see her eyes starting to water again. So he sat on the rim of the tub and held her face in palm, "I am not going anywhere, baby! I had asked tarun to bring our dinner but I will ask him to just keep it and retire for the night and I'll get it for us later on. I'll join you in a few minutes, if that's fine by you?"
Priya just cast her eyes down and nodded her head, not wanting him to see her vulnerability and reluctance to let him go away from her even a second flashing in her eyes. Ram understood her dilemma, so he moved forward, kissed her forehead and whispered, "I'll be right back in five minutes, honey. Close your eyes and rest till then. We'll talk then, okay?"
And with that Ram hurried out of the bathroom and bedroom and headed downstairs to meet Tarun.
"Sir? I was just about to bring the dinner. Will take five more minutes for the soup to simmer", said Tarun as he looked at Ram with a smile then turned back to get back to his work for creating the best possible soothing meal for his bhabhi.
"Actually, Tarun! I am sorry...ahhh! But I think we'll have to delay the dinner a bit more."
"Delay it more. But sir, bhabhi is not feeling well... and in this condition she should not stay hungry for long. She and the baby need fo...." Tarun stopped mid-way realising what he just blabbered lost in his own world. He eyes widened as he turned around to look at Ram's face who was mirroring his expressions with wide eyes...
"You knew, Tarun?"
"Uhm... sir... I mean... actually."
"Come on, tell me Tarun."
"I didn't know and can't say with absolute confirmation. But ya, I have been suspecting it for quite some time now. It's not usual for her to feel sick to the smell of spices and I have seen Varun's bhaiya's wife getting sick like that when she was expecting their first child. So ya I have been speculating it, I would say."
"Then why didn't you say it before."
"I didn't want to cross my limits, Sir. I am only a servant and it felt like an invasion in your privacy."
"Say that word one more time and I will punch you on your face. Do you really think you are a servant in this house? You are my Yash Uncle's son, my brother, my shadow... never use that word again. Sure you work for me but you are NOT my servant. So, again... why didn't you just tell me? You had me worry about it all when you could have just told me this a week before."
"Okay, I am sorry! I used that word. Won't happen again, Sir. But again, I didn't want to intrude in your private space. It's a special news for the two of you and I wanted you both to discover it on your own. Which is why I didn't even pester you about the doctor's visit. Because i kind of knew what he would said and I wanted to wait till you break the news to us after having celebrated this new found happiness amongst yourself."
"Happiness? Ya sure!", said Ram as he massaged his head as if feeling an onset of headache. Priya's lack of excitement for the news was bothering him somewhere. He wondered if she would want to abort the baby. Of course, it's her body and if she would deny being ready to go ahead with the pregnancy, he won't pester her. Sure, that would make him sad but not that he would let her know that to manipulate her decisions... but still. Tarun noticed the myriad of worrisome emotions playing on his face and now that the cat was out of the bag, he knew he had to act like the confidant his father appointed him as for Ram.
"Bhaiya?"
Tarun's use of "bhaiya" instead of "sir" caught his attention. He only ever called him bhaiya when they had to have a serious conversation. And Ram for a second felt a relief surging through his distressed heart, for, he was now assuming that perhaps Tarun might have a remedy to his problems, if he confided in him. Ram looked at him with mellow eyes.
"Why would you say that, bhaiya?"
"I don't know, Tarun. I am happy... I am very happy! But Priya... I don't know", said Ram while again rubbing his forehead.
Tarun was his clone, who could just sense what he needs by a single glance towards his face. So he went to his secret stash of Ram's medicine and brought from it Ram's anti-anxiety pill for him with a glass of water, "Here, have it, Bhaiya. And tell me what's bothering you. Maybe I could help you. Is bhabhi not happy?"
Ram took the pill, popped it in his mouth and drank the whole glass of water. "To be honest Tarun, I don't know. I would assume she is not unhappy about it but she also hasn't been very forthcoming with what she feels about it. She has been crying since the doctor raised the speculation of a probable pregnancy. She was worried at first that I might call this unplanned pregnancy her mistake. But you know me, I wouldn't ever do that... and she knows it too. But she still had that apprehension. Anyways, I cleared that and went out to get the... uhm..."
"... I know, bhaiya. I know... I mean, I got a whiff of it before you did that Bhabhi might be pregnant, so I cannot be that big a fool that I won't know what was in the package."
"Sorry yaar, Tarun. I wanted to share but I didn't know Priya's reaction to opening up about it just yet so I didn't. Sorry, brother."
"It's okay... so you were saying?"
"Ya! So I cleared her apprehensions about my reaction and went out to gets the test kits. But when I came back... i found her in the balcony, crying. I asked why, but she just snapped at me for being late and for not caring. And then she had a full-blown meltdown. Oh ya! She also threw up for the third time today and is probably feeling very weak... couldn't even stand straight on her feet for more than two minutes. I don't know Tarun... i just don't know what's going on in that woman's head and it's just so hard to decipher. How do I soothe her and reduce her stress I don't know. I am sure a part of her is happy knowing she'll be a mother soon, but the other half... the stressful one that is over-powering her senses... is weighing down upon her. And I am worried she might make herself more sick by worrying so much. What do I do, Tarun? What do I do?" Ram once again started rubbing his forehead.
Tarun looked at him for a minute, to see if Ram had anything more to say... but when he didn't Tarun decided to give him two cents of his thoughts.
"You talk."
"Huh?"
"I said, you talk. Talk to her, bhaiya."
"What talk?"
"A 37 year old business tycoon who is known for tackling large conferences so effortlessly and has been getting the business man of the year award for the past seven years consecutively for being an intelligent and shrewd businessman is asking me this? Seriously, bhaiya! "What, talk?" you are asking me this? Wow! oh ya... I'll tell you. Go talk to her about the weather outside or the stars in the sky or the flowers in our garden... okay?"
"Come on yaar, Tarun! I am stressed and you are being sarcastic. Tell me, please because I seriously can't think straight."
"What would you talk to her about to reduce her stress, bhaiya? Can't you think of the one obvious thing?"
"The baby? Ya actually I can tell her I will take care of the baby singularly once it's born and she won't have to bother about it at all or need to even lift a finger and..."
"STOP! Stop! Bhaiya, you are going to talk about Baby with her? Tell her she won't have to do anything for the baby once it's born and make her look a baby-popping machine...only to come across as a Chauvinist who only cares about his heir and not his wife? Anything you say or do now has to measured carefully based on her current emotional quotient . You say she is apprehensive about baby. So if you directly start talking about baby, don't you think, this will only add to her distress, making her think you now only care for the child and not her?"
"But I do care about her. I love her, god dammit! Maybe I could tell her... reiterate my love for her to her in a grand way!?"
"Ya, do that! Go on and explain that to her emotionally fogged brain and she will take you for your word. Right?"
"So, What else? Can't talk about the baby... can't say I care about her.... What else then, Tarun."
"Will you let me speak, Bhaiya... And is it really not obvious to you what's needed right now? She needs assurance. She needs to be heard. She needs YOU to ask her what she is feeling and give her the solution to all her apprehensions. Ask her what is bothering her? Ask her how she is feeling! Ask her what she expects of you? And then go one step forward and tell her you'll do more than she is expecting of you and then start proving it with your actions. make sure you assure her that she is going to be fine, that you won't suffocate her by trying to control her every love. Tell her you will care for because I know you will. And you have me as your comrade. I'll help you with everything I can. I promise. So, now go! Talk to her and I'll stay around till you ping me for dinner."
"No! No, Tarun! It's fine. You retire for the night. I'll warm the food in the microwave when she feels like eating."
"Are you sure?"
"Very. Thank you, Tarun."
"For what?"
"For being here by my side."
"For a lifetime, bhaiya. Okay now go, bhabhi must be waiting for you."
"Ya, right." With that Ram turns on his heels to go back up to his wife, when he stopped by Tarun once again.
"Bhaiya, wait! Take this with you and make her drink it, she'll feel better."
"What's this?"
"Ginger ale. Will help her tummy to settle for a bit."
"How do you know... actually forget it! You are obviously smarter and more leaned about all this than me. So, thank you... I'll take it without any questions."
"That right! Good move, bhaiya. Good night."
"Good night, Tarun!"
And with that Ram headed back to his room, and, his waiting wife for a heart to heart conversation. The test could wait a little longer... the conversation was the need of the hour. He couldn't really thank Tarun enough for showing him the mirror, for giving him the clarity he needed. And now he would move down the path Tarun showed him, knowing well in his heart that the conversation with Priya would be the key to making everything look spin and span about this new journey they are about to head on.