RAYA FF: TVAM, MAMA JEEVANA HETUNA

His concern, her reassurance

Ram... the kind hearted human who never for once thought of himself over the joys and comforts of others felt guilt gnawing on his conscience for having, in a moment of weakness, given precedence to his desires over the comfort of his wife... no! Not just his wife but also the to-be mother of his child.
How could he? That was the only question pestering him. Of course it wasn't a big deal... just a make-out session. He could make his wife now rest out and recuperate from her weakness and that should take care of the matters. But, what hurt him the most was the fact that HE, as a man who took immense pride in labeling himself as a selfless man who always did what was good for others, even if that meant hurting himself a bit, HAD CHOSEN TO DO WHAT HE WANTED without for once considering what was good for the most important person in his life— His wife, his beloved...
Sitting on the ottoman near the foot of the bed, where Priya sat, As he had his head pressed to his hands, he wondered what she thought of him. Given how she was and all that she has been through in her life, he wondered if he spiked some old gory memory of hers that had a man take physical advantage of a woman... or chances were also that his sudden retrieval from the kiss might have set off the alarm in her head that could have made her feel insecure about herself. In any case he needed to make her understand, it was he who was at fault. So he braced himself and chose to start his dialogue with words that would remove any self-doubts she might have.
"You know, Priya, you are the most gorgeous woman on the face of this earth, and you also know I am incorrigible when it comes to you... I just can't seem to get enough of you, and yet I shouldn't have done that," said Ram, all worried. But the minute he looked up from his head-hung-low-in-guilt posture to his wife's face, he was surprised to see her face easing out of clear distress and a small smile taking over her face.
"Why are you smiling?" Ram asked Priya with confusion furrowing his brows. Shouldn't she have been distressed by his actions?
"Because you love me the way I am..."
"Is that a news to you?" Ram understood from her words that she was in fact feeling insecure about herself after the retrieval. Glad as he was then to have cleared the clouds of insecurity that shrouded her brain, he still needed to make her see his point and apologize for his callous behavior.

"I... I am sorry Priya."
"What for, Ram?"
"For... losing... control... like that! I am such an incorrigible ass! How could I do that to you when you are so weak... frail... and sick."
"Mr. Kapoor, pregnancy is not a sickness."
"I know... but throwing up, fainting and being weak is! And you just had a rough morning with all of that. You need rest, not your husband lunging at you like a Neanderthal, taking you rough against the.... Against the closet door", said ram frustratingly pointing towards the closet door they were glued to a while back.
"Ram..."
"No! No! Don't justify my actions now Priya. You'd probably say 'It's okay, Mr. Kapoor'. But it's not! It's not Priya. It's a fact that you are as beautiful as a daydream and that I cannot keep my hands off you. But it's also true that I must handle you with care, not manhandle you like that."
Relieved as she was on knowing that her beauty or changing body wasn't a concern for husband but her well-being was, she knew she had to be quick to assure him all was fine. "It wasn't manhandling, Mr. Kapoor. We were just ridden by our passion. None of us realised when we backed off to our usual make-out space. Plus you were holding me with the usual care, your hand sandwiched between my back and the closet door to save me from hitting the hard surface. So, it's really fine! I needed it too."
"You don't get it, Priya. I got blinded in my love and lust for you. I didn't for once think of you and your health as I let my head, heart and body give into my lustful desires."
"It's fine, Ram! We are husband and wife... lovers... and bunnies who like to copulate against any and every surface at any given time of day," said Priya with a hint of smile on her face.
"You think this is funny."
"No! I think you are just so adorable."
"Adorable? Or an Ass?"
"Adorable... for being so worked up about my and our baby's safety," said Priya with a beautiful smile on her face as she moved forward to playfully ruffle her husband's perfectly set hair.
"Hey! What did you do, Priya? I set them with little serum and little heat for you. You just spoiled their setting. Now I won't look good," said Ram with the pout that at best could be described as that of a grumpy kid. He quickly got up and made his way to the dressing table still grumbling, trying to readjust his hair. But his words had already caught Priya's attention.
"One second! What did you just say?" Said Priya, with the voice and expressions that Ram associated with her "Sherlock" spirit.
Ever since the first day of their married life, knowing that Priya's ex Neeraj was a man whose hair were always set and assuming that Priya ONLY liked men like him who have not a single strand of hair falling around in an unkempt way, Ram had made it a point to wake up every morning before Priya to use the bathroom for an extra five minutes to scrub his face and use a tiny smidge of gel-serum and blow dried it to set his hair and then coming back to sleep next to her, to make an impression on her that he was a man who "woke up like that" with his hair set and face so smooth that even Adonis would feel jealous of him.
He had, for over three years of their married life, hidden his "beauty secret" from his beautiful wife, and, yet, now in his haze of being worried about her well-being he had a slip-up. He knew she perfectly heard what he said and would now be running her head horses to assimilate the meaning of his words and yet, he tried to avert her attention from what he just let out by saying, "Nothing! Nothing, Priya." He laughed a sheepish laugh and continued, "What can I ever say to you."
He looked at her face from where he was standing in front of the mirror to see if she bought his words and chose to drop the matter. He was however greeted by her hooded side eyes looking at him with an expression that said, "you're not getting out of this so easily, Mister." In his head then he tried to formulate something to cover his spill, but, even before his brain could act upon his desires, he heard his wife speak.
"Ram! You and I both know what you just said... I just need you to explain what you said. You just got up, haven't even showered then how can I spoil your bed hair?"
"Woh Priya. I-don't-know-how-to-say-it-but-I-wake-up-every-morning-before-you-to-adjust-my-hair-and-scrub-my-face-so-i-can-look-worthy-of-you!"
While Ram, after having said it all to his wife in a single breath, couldn't even muster the courage to look up and back at her, Priya was taken aback with sheer surprise. It was almost as if she froze where she was sitting in bed as she tried to fathom what her husband just told her. Here she was doubting her self-worth, questioning her very existence and contemplating what whether her husband had any issue with how she looked or if she was good enough for him in bed, completely clueless that her husband held her so high in regard that he himself was battling the fear similar to hers... the fear of "not being enough". Her heart was suddenly filled with love so warm that she probably could have given her life for him had he asked her for it at the moment.
Ram, with his head still hung low, wondered why, even after a few good minutes had passed since he blurted out his hidden secret, was he not being yelled at by his wife for being so body conscious. It was also, in fact, true. Having realized long back that Priya cared less about his looks and more about his heart, feelings and nature, he often felt like waking up early and getting his hair gelled was a useless exercise. But, on the other hand, he didn't want to leave a single stone unturned in being the man worthy of someone as precious as Priya, especially since she had, too, given it all to adjust to him and his lavish lifestyle. So, on not hearing her speak, he looked up to see her sitting ever so still on the same spot where he made her sit on bed, lost in her own world of thoughts. Almost sure from her reaction, that she would not yell at him, he thought, perhaps he could go ahead and explain his perspective.
Still a tad bit scared of her unpredictable reaction, though, he made his way to his wife. Slowly he sat back on the ottoman in front of her, deciding how to begin saying what he wanted to say to her to explain his perspective.
"Priya?"
"Hmm?" A dazed Priya just hummed to his call as she looked at him a little lost.
"Look, I CAN EXPLAIN," said ram with a bit of emphasis which got her out of her reverie.
"What?"
"I can explain... the thing... I mean why I do I do. Please don't yell at me."
To see this child-man who was her husband scared of her, brought a tiny smile on Priya's face. She had already melted for him, the minute she realised that Ram has been doing it all to win her heart with utmost diligence and not giving up on his efforts to win her live even after three years of constant assurance of her love for him. Because, truth was, that she too was sailing in the same boat as him and to know that her husband felt the same necessity as hers to do all that it takes to ensure that love kept blossoming between them made her feel closer than ever to Ram.
Her instincts told her to climb in his lap and kiss him senseless... and that would probably be what she would eventually do but first she did want to hear her husband explain himself for she knew his explanation would only amplify and intensify that itch of hers to kiss him senseless. So she controlled her smile and with a very serious face asked him, "What do you have to say?"
Ram, a little worried about her somber expressions and serious words, cleared his throat, swallowed his saliva, huffed out a silent breath as a plea to god to not let his wife be enraged and began speaking, "You remember the day of our engagement? Or more specifically the moment when the truth about Neeraj being your ex came out?" He waited a second for her to affirm to his question. When she nodded a bit, he continued.
"You and I both know that neither of us were in love with the other at that moment. And yet, realising that you had a man in your life before me, left me feeling a pang in my heart. I obviously didn't realise that I was getting attracted to you but... but I felt the need to overpower Neeraj and replace all his impressions on your mind with mine. I hate Indian Scrambled Eggs and yet when he said you loved his hand-made Scrambled eggs, I learnt how to make them and started eating them to give you company. When Sara di joked about you admiring men with beards, I decided to never cut my beard. And just like that, when Neeraj said, that in college, you loved caressing his gelled hair for how neat and tidy they looked, I... I decided to improve my hair style and style them in a way that they look more spruce. I wanted you to feel that even though Neeraj had to fake it with gel, I got that clean tidy look, effortlessly... you know what the kids these days call "I woke up like this" look!" He stopped to look at Priya who was looking at him intently, listening to him with rapt attention.
With a sigh, Ram, spoke again, "Priya, I know how this looks. You'd probably say, I should not be so image conscious, be confident in my skin, and that you will love me always the way I am... and I agree... I do! I really do! But... but, I cannot help feel the incessant need to prove my worth in your eyes, and I know you'd agree because somewhere deep down I know you too share my feelings of needing validation. Before you came along, I was seeking validation from other people. But now? Now I don't care what others think of me as long as I am the hero in your eyes. You are right when you say I want to be a hero all the time... but I want to be YOUR HERO all the time, and, this whole setting my hair thing is just an attempt in my side to do a little extra to be a man who looks like you dreamt your Prince Charming would be. It would have been easier if I actually liked gel in my hair, but I abhor it..eww.." he scrunched his nose and continued.... "So, I give it a hair set look with a good amount of quick dry setting serum and blow the tresses using a brush. Can you please not shout at me for hiding this thing from you?"
He was looking at her intently as he completely explained his goof up while his mind raised a question "God, can I ever hide anything from this woman!"  ...
"Never!" ram's heart replied.
To say Priya was touched was an understatement.  She never knew that this man... her husband... the man she loved with all her heart, still held so much hidden in his heart. People called her layered as a coconut and he was easy to decipher like an open book... The truth was, he too, like her, was a coconut whose layers were for her to unravel. And this new layer she just found had not just vanished her own doubts about whether he loved her enough and found her beautiful enough but also told him that he too had similar issues of self worth like hers.... And while he was a man eloquent in addressing her doubts and fears by dialogue, she didn't know how to express her feelings about what he just told her or how to address his doubts. So she chose the next good option.
Slowly she got up from where she was sitting on the ottoman, and, as she did, Ram's eyes rose along with her body. She saw what looked like fear in his eyes, probably him wondering if she would walk out on him. But how could she when the man in front of her had just proved that he loved her more than and above everything else.
Priya held his gaze and tried to assure her from her eyes of her love for him as she moved towards him and slowly lowered herself onto his lap. Startled as he was seeing her do something so uncharacteristic of her, her heart warmed as she realized his first instinct now was that of trying to hold her safe with his hand on her stomach over their child as he muttered "careful" to her in a dazed but concerned tone. She balanced herself on his lap with his help and then snaked her one arm around his neck as her other hand found its way to his hair, toddling them a bit as she moved her fingers through them. She then moved her face closer to his and captured his lips in a kiss that spoke of her love for him in ways that words could never be able to justify.
For a second, Ram couldn't understand what was happening, but when he did, he gave into the kiss without overpowering his wife who was seeking control of the kiss. He let her kiss him, let her suck the nectar from his lips, let her bite his lower lip, let her LOVE him.
Priya, who had never initiated a full blown kiss, felt bold enough by her husband's admission of vulnerability and in her need to soothe away all his doubts she kissed him vicariously with the passion of a hungry lioness. She tugged on his lips, bit on his lower lip, and tried to evade the territory of her husband's mouth seeking a way to find his tongue for a dance of raw desire, mimicking the moves she learnt from the many kisses Ram gave her.
When they were both breathless, she left his lips, but even in those moments that followed , trying to catch their ragged breath, continued to move her fingers along his scalp. Once she found the normalcy of her breath back, she looked him in the eye and spoke,
"You are enough, Mr. Ram Kapoor... you are enough the way you are and I love you more than I can tell you, and not even your toddled hair can change that. In fact, when your curls fall in your face, AAP BADE ACHE LAGTE HAI," said Priya as she moved a curl away from his forehead, before snaking both her arms around his neck, looking him in the eye and presenting her with her demand, which was the demand and need of both their bodies, minds and hearts "And now, Mr. Kapoor, take me to our bed."