Five's a Crowd | Stucky / Marvel Polyamorous LGBT Romance

Chapter 18: Loki

TW: Gender dysphoria

As Autumn set in and the days grew shorter, their work schedules shifted and intensified. Bucky's work was picking up speed now that his organization had figured out how to host online events and fundraisers. Charlie was so busy, Loki would sometimes only see him as he grabbed dinner and slouched back to his bedroom. Charlie contritely asked Loki if they could delay their first date until November when his schedule would be lighter, and Loki of course agreed. Steve was underwater designing for work and working on his new project, but he made a point to come out for dinner every night, quickly disappearing back into Charlie's bedroom after that.

Loki and Nicky spent time together during the day, working and flirting in even measure, but even their work seemed to be picking up as everyone settled in for a long winter.

Bucky kept his word, and every few days he would make a point to take Loki out for coffee or lunch, or he would pull him into the bedroom for a private movie night. The slow burn was in full force, slowly eating away at Loki's control until he would end up squirming and begging under Bucky when all they were doing was making out like teenagers.

He turned some of this pent up desire on Nicky, but he didn't think it was fair to put the force of all of his need on just one person. They hadn't gone too much further than they had that night on the couch, keeping everything above the pants, but Loki had become intimately familiar with the shape of Nicky through his pants and he desperately wanted more.

However, as the days ticked by, a new problem was arising for Loki. Actually it was a very old problem, but it had been over a month since his last wave of gender identity related depression and he thought maybe he had left it behind in his old apartment. Typically, when he was engaging exclusively with other gay men, their rough touches and strong bodies would wholly solidify him in his male identity for a while. On occasion his mind would rebel and jerk him sideways along the gender spectrum, landing him somewhere fragile and uncertain.

During the last two weeks of October, Loki felt as if he was stumbling through a fun house, where the floors tilted and the walls wavered. He would look in the mirror in the morning and it seemed like a stranger was looking back at him. He lost interest in his new clothes and found himself spending countless hours just staring at his computer, accomplishing nothing except raising his anxiety over all of the work he wasn't doing.

He went on a quiet walk with Nicky and a sweet date with Bucky, but when they both attempted to initiate any kind of physical intimacy he drew back, placating them with wide smiles and promises of more to come, but inside he was churning and raw.

Sometimes he really enjoyed his feminine side. Back in his old city he would explore lesbian bars and he'd even done a few boudouir photoshoots with a photographer friend. This time was not like that. It felt more like some of his earlier days of gender dysphoria and pronoun alphabet soup. It wasn't a drastic shift, rather a slow slide into discomfort, the way pressure before a storm settled in, disorienting and disturbing.

The last week of October, Loki was trying to find the words to explain all of this to Nicky and Bucky while they were deciding on Halloween costumes for a scary movie marathon. He felt itchy watching them try on lace and leather, every fiber of the sexy clothing seeming to disapprove of Loki. He left the bedroom, curled up on the couch and felt a wall crash down in his mind.

He withdrew fully into himself for the next 48 hours. He spent most of the time in bed, only leaving to eat a few bites of food, wearing the protective armor of soft, shapeless sweats, and letting his unwashed hair form a curtain between him and the world

The other men gave him space and time, dropping soft kisses and gentle caresses on him as they passed him or sat idly nearby, but never pushed him to speak. Bucky noticed him flinching when a male pronoun was casually used and he asked if Loki would prefer they/them or even she/her. None of them sat right with Loki so he just shrugged and headed back to bed.