The show must go on

Chapter 37 - the nightmare never ends

...so...please don't hate me... 

Perrie POV

I sprint out of the room. It's cowardly, it's terrible and I already feel bad about it, but it's the only thing I can do right now. It doesn't help anyone if she gets even more upset. And I'm having a hard time keeping my mouth shut with her stubbornness right now, so I'd rather escape the situation. At least for now.

I notice how the argument is getting to me too, how I find it hard to breathe, how I lose my composure, how I can't control the tears.

I hold a hand in front of my mouth, trying to concentrate on breathing, bracing myself against the wall, when suddenly I feel a hand on my back and flinch in shock.

"Hey, relax, it's just me," I hear Jesy say, but I'm far from relaxed.

"I'm sorry, but I...I just...can't," I try to explain, but it ends up being more of a desperate whimper.

"I know, I know," she says sympathetically though. "It's okay, calm down. Try to breathe."

She helps me sit down on a chair, kneels in front of me, touches my thighs and talks me through it, until my breathing calms down again and the threat of the panic attack has been averted.

Wistfully I look towards Jade's room, having an inner conflict with myself.

"Do you want me to take you home?", Jesy seemingly sees through me.

"I...I don't know," I stammer, honestly at a loss.

"She told you to go home," Jesy reminds me of the terrible shouting match that has just taken place a few metres away.

"She didn't mean that," I say quietly, and I'm actually convinced of it, but I remain sitting hesitantly.

"I know that," Jesy agrees, "but maybe it wouldn't be too bad."

"What if something happens while I'm gone?", I profess my concern, actually my greatest fear.

"It won't," Jesy tries to take it away from me, but she can't.

"It can always happen. It will only get worse form now," I say in all seriousness and the sentence stabs me in the heart and yet it is the truth.

"Leigh is surely staying with her today, I'll ask her. She'll call us directly if something would happen. But you need to get out of here, Pez. If only for a few hours," she says and I think long and hard. I remain sitting here, my gaze fixed on the door to Jade's room.

Actually, it's not fair. Jade would love to just walk out of here as she pleases. She dreams of sleeping in her own bed, she hates every second here and I have promised to stand by her. How selfish would I be to just leave now? To just abandon her now, to leave her alone. Well, technically she's not alone if Leigh stays. But she's without me. How cowardly would it be of me to just leave, after this conversation, after this discussion, after this terrible news? Everything is against it and yet I hesitate to put one foot in front of the other to go back to her room.