No Right To Decide

Chapter 4

It was cold in my room. I heard the cold midnight wind outside, making the trees move. I was laying in bed, thinking about those forbidden thoughts. It kept me awake, every night. I'll ask God for a gift tomorrow, I thought. Saturday felt so short, like it were only a few hours. I didn't do much. I just drew, went for a walk twice and watched a tv show. It was boring, but relaxing. In a busy school week, you could use a relaxing Saturday day where you do almost nothing, even though Sunday is the 'Rest day' according to the Bible. What gift was I gonna ask? My first thought made me laugh a little. More friends, what a silly wish. It was something I needed. I didn't need too many friends, but a few would be nice. Yeah, that's what I'm going to ask tomorrow. Can I have some friends? God would understand, right? But what if he didn't? What if he wouldn't grand my wish? Then I'll stop believing. I'll stop following Him. But I won't tell my mother. I'll just ignore the prayer before eating, I'll put earbuds in my ears in church. I'll act like God isn't in my life anymore. Who was he anyways? I've never seen Him before. No one did. How could He have so many followers while no one saw Him? Some say they saw Him in their dreams or something, or when they almost died. I believe in the facts. The facts of science, physics and more! They have enough proof! A book with fairytales isn't a fact. It has been written by humans, not by angels or God himself. How could God tell us how to live?
I'm wondering away. I can't think like that, my brain said. But my heart wanted something else. I can't get into trouble, but I can't be unhappy. God never made me happy.
Stop it, I'm a Christian. I will not think like this again. I will go to sleep and ask Him tomorrow.

8.30 a.m. My alarm turned on. I woke up yawning and turned it off. I could fall asleep again easily. No I can't. I have to go to church at 10 a.m. I grabbed my clothes and ran into the bathroom. I changed into my Sunday clothes and went into the living room. My mother was sitting there, watching tv. The news just ended. 'Good morning Milo.' She said. 'Good morning mother.' I greeted her back. I made my way to the kitchen to make some breakfast. I always ate the same. One piece of bread, some butter and peanut butter. When I finished making breakfast, I walked to the living room. My mom left the room, she was probably hanging out washed clothes. I sat on the couch and turned on the tv. I scrolled to the science channel. I always enjoyed watching that. They sometimes talked about my favorite subject, astronomy. No, we didn't had Netflix. There were too many 'hellish' series and movies on there. Mom and dad always decided what kind of movies we watched. But when I saw at Aeris' house once, we watched a horror movie. My mom would say no to every horror movie. But it was a really cool movie! I enjoyed watching it! She wouldn't understand when I told her, so I didn't.
There are a lot of things my parents don't know. I just don't tell them because then I'll get yelled at. Did I do many things that my parents wont approve? Now I think about it... I did do some things that my parents didn't approve. But I don't care. I only have one life, I should do the things I want to do. I should push my limits!
My mom walked in again. 'Watching the science program again?' She asked in a humerus voice. 'Yeah, it's really interesting. Do you want to join me?' I asked her. Maybe she'd finally agree and see things form my perspective. 'Thank you honey, but I'll pass today. I have to shower.' She walked back to the hall. Mom always had an excuse. "I have to call someone." "I have to do stuff for work." "I have to clean the house." That's what she always said. Of course she's doing those things when she said she would, but it's also nice when she spends some time with me. Mom only spends time with our family together, never with me alone. And if she wanted to, she'd probably ask me to go into a church when we're on vacation. I'd always accept, what other choice do I have? Letting my mother yell at me in the car back home because I didn't step into the house of God? In those churches she would always tell me the same stories. Before we exited those churches, she lighted a candle for her passed father. He died of cancer, what kind? I don't know. When I asked what kind of cancer, she'd say "Shush, we shouldn't talk about that." I understand that it's hard to talk about it, but I'm her teenage daughter. Not a little kid.

'Hurry up!' My father yelled upstairs to my brother's room. We were waiting for him to go to church. I bet he was on his phone while we were already changing into our Sunday clothes, I said in my mind. 'I'm coming!' Ham yelled from his room. 'Why is he always doing these important things on the last moment? I asked him 10 minutes ago to change?' My mother said. My father shrugged. He got out of his room a few seconds later, in his Sunday clothes. 'Finally! Now let's get going!' My mother said. We got into the car and drove to the nearest church. The church we always went to, to hear the priest read some stuff from a book with fairytales while we can read it ourselves. After that some people will sing a song and we will sing with them. Why? To entertain God? To be His little puppets?