Dear Husband, yours only [on hold]

✥ 12 | Letter

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Dear Husband,

     I always had this odd feeling that's consuming my heart but I ignored it. You know they say one should always hear the whispers of their gut because the gut figures out what the head and heart simply refuse to even see. Maybe that's right. 

     You do love me, right? Or have I been stupid enough to make wrong theories about all your actions, all our conversations and everything we've shared so far?

     Maybe I have been stupid.

     It has never been so hard to write my feelings as it is now. Last evening when we were leaving for Aneesh's get-together party I had hope that it would be a great opportunity for you and her to make peace.

     I don't know why you both don't talk to each other. Maa gave me any idea about how strong and long your friendship had run before she moved abroad for her studies. I always thought it had to be something about the distance that severed your friendship with her.

     But then I was wrong and how!

     I didn't mean to overhear your conversation with her. I had just come to find you. I didn't know a heartache awaited me. I didn't see two friends who were having a verbal spat I saw two people who loved each other baring their heart out, laying down their complaints and accusing the other of breaking it off.

     As I stood their listening to you both fight, I realized that you don't fight like that with me. There was so much passion, so much hurt, so much pain, so much unrequited love.

     You love her. You have loved her. And maybe you still love her.

     Listening to you tell her how much she meant to you, broke me little by little. I have always imagined you talking about me that way. And then, when I looked at her, with hope that she couldn't love you more than I do, I realized how wrong I was again.

     I was stupid to think that the pain in her eyes is that of losing a friend. No. It was that of losing the person you loved the most. It was the pain of a person who has been in love. It was the pain of being hurt in love. 

     I have never felt so abandoned as I feel right now. You both love each other. The truth is way more intolerable and bitter than it is always described. Standing there looking at you both hug each other like you both found your lifeline, bled my heart. You can't imagine the pain, Sidharth. You just can't.

     I don't know what to do. You've not looked me in the eye since the morning. Maybe you're ashamed. Maybe you feel guilty. Last night, when you were with her, didn't you think about me even once? Where was this guilt then?

     My tears have dried up, but I still want to cry. I love you, with all my heart. What am I supposed to do? I can't give up on you. I can't imagine a life with you. I won't let you go. How can you do this to me? We belong with each other, right?

     I was going to wait until your birthday to tell you about our baby. Give you the best birthday gift ever. Maybe I should tell you now. You won't choose to leave us, will you?

     Does all that you shared with me, every moment we spent together mean nothing to you, now that you have her back? Do you love her so much? I hope you chose us, Sidharth. I can't imagine a life without you. 

With Love,

Yours Only.

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