I'm Normally Perfect (re-upload)

Chapter Seventy-Four

Alex's mood remained black as autumn approached and I began to be dragged down by her—it was rather like trying to save a drowning person who then caused you to drown. I'd stopped working on our book and spent most of my time sleeping in my old bedroom, which had been cleared of Alex's painting things. I couldn't stand to be close to her any more, but I couldn't bear the idea of being too very far away, either.

One afternoon in early September I returned to our room to find her clicking away on Natalia. She didn't seem to notice me so I went in to have my eighth shower of the day—showers where a way of wiling away the day when I was down—and when I returned, damp around the edges, she waved me over. 'Oook.'

I dragged over to her side of the bed and sat down. On the screen was a letter:

Catherine,

You have been nothing but an absolute dear throughout this ordeal and for that I am profoundly grateful, however, I have decided I want to die—I can bear this silence no longer. I shall never be the person I was before and that is something I cannot withstand. My art has been taken from me, my flowers, cooking—everything that once gave me pleasure is now a reminder of what I was once capable of but now only exhausts me. Everything is exhausting to me. Everything takes so interminably long to do. I feel I am holding you back, holding you down. You are the dearest thing that has ever happened to me and I cannot bear what this is doing to you. I shall never be able to show you all of the things I wanted to: the pyramids in Mexico, Rio, the Riveria...when we first got together you said you didn't think of me as being old, but I hardly see how you cannot see me that way now.

This is not a rash decision—I have given it quite a bit of thought—I think of nothing else. I plan to take the rest of the Dothiepin one night with dinner and a bottle of wine. I'm telling you because I want you to understand. I want you to be in another part of the house and I wanted to say a proper goodbye and tell you how much you've meant to me and that it's nothing to do with you. I feel blessed to have had you in my life.

I hope you can understand.

Yours ever,

Alex

I stared at the screen for a long time and then swallowed hard and looked at her. She met my eyes for a second and then looked away. I could understand. I wouldn't want to spend the next twenty or thirty years without the things I loved most. I said hoarsely, 'OK.' She met my eyes, surprise on her face. I cleared my throat, 'But I don't think you have enough pills. If you don't take enough you'll just end up getting very sick—I tried to overdose when I was 13 and half a bottle of sleeping pills wasn't enough. If you have to do this I don't want it to be prolonged or painful.' Big tears fell down my cheeks, but I didn't sob. 'I'll get a prescription for Dopthiepin and you can take those, as well.' Her eyes grew wide and I said, 'But first I want you to give it a month.' Two vertical lines appeared between her eyebrows.

I continued, 'One month and in that month you have to do whatever I say. Swim four times a week and work with the speech cards...I'll help you, you don't have to go back to that nazi therapist. We'll get some of those exercise balls like they use at the therapy centre and work with those, as well. We'll go outside every day to get the sunlight and have other people over—not like before where it was someone over every day, but once a week Gina and Grant can come over. After a month if you still feel like it's not worth the trouble I'll help you. I'll sit with you and hold your hand so at least you won't be alone. If you have to do it I don't want you to be alone.'

After a long pause she asked, 'Ge' da piws?'

I was suddenly terrified, she wanted to die now? 'Y-you want them right now?'