Thursday, February 29th
August 24th, 2022
Fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck. I'm so fucked. I love him, I love him and I can't do anything about it. I love him so much that I've given myself a fucking fictional fucking disease! This isn't supposed to exist but here I am choking on fucking spider lilies. SPIDER LILIES! THE FLOWER EVERYONE GIVES THE MAIN CHARACTER IN MY FANFICTION TO TELL THEM TO KILL THEMSELVES! MY FICTIONAL DISEASE IS TELLING ME THAT I'M GOING TO DIE FROM IT! FUCK!
I can't do this right now.
It's 6 am and I'm crying and choking to death on flowers. It's 6 am and I'm sobbing because everything fucking sucks and I can't catch a break. How in the hell am I supposed to deal with Hanahki and school? I'm stressed as it is and it's barely been a month of school! And! I completely forgot I'm poly which means there is another fucking crush which I won't be able to fucking deal with.
God I should've killed myself last year, when mom made me take all these classes and since I'm such a fucking people pleaser (and scared of her) I didn't fucking tell her no and I didn't try and explain that maybe it'll be too much for a fucking SOPHOMORE to do by himself. But it's whatever. I'm stuck in these classes and I can't leave so yay!! Please god just fucking kill me.
Maybe I'll do that, just let the flowers kill me.
I have this stupid playlist that I haven't had to use yet but fuck it's pretty good right now. I named it 'Fatherless Behavior? Nah this is Childless Behavior' basically songs that make me want to make my parents have one less child. Lol. It's a really good playlist but I didn't know it would have this effect on me lol.
God why do I have to be so fucking useless. Why can't I do anything but sit around and complain and quit when things get hard.
Fuck why I didn't I just kill myself in fourth grade when I wasn't scared? I fucking hate phantom pains I fucking hate them so fucking much. And I don't even know if that's what they are! They just happen trying to get me to kill myself or hurt myself. I call them phantom pains cuz I've tried killing myself in one of the places the pains are but the ones on my wrist? There before I cut.
God I can't wait to never see my mom again.
If I pulled an Angel do you think I'd get the same treatment? I mean he died and had this beautiful funeral from his friends, and his lover. It's like really sad and stuff.
But yea anyway, if I did I'm blaming my mom and not the fact that Hanahaki is a killing disease. Cuz Hanahaki can be cured, I'd just get surgery but I don't want that lol. Though it will be a two in one and I could get top surgery too but still I wanna die so lol.
There is literally no reason for me to blame mom. I just want to give the responsibility to someone else so I don't have to take responsibility for something that is my fault lol. I mean I asked for this stress right? Like I wanted to do these classes. So it's my fault. Right?
Maybe this is my punishment for being trans. Maybe if I stayed a girl I wouldn't be dealing with all of this. God I hate my body, I wish I could just cut off my chest. I wish I didn't have to deal with this. I wish I didn't trust my mother to support me when I came out. Because obviously she didn't and now I'm stuck here wishing I was dead because she gave me even more pressure that I didn't need. But whatever, right?
Please let me cut off my chest. I wonder what would happen if I blamed my death on mom, claiming suicide, should she even change? I doubt it. Other people get new names (not pronouns) but not me. No! I have such a beautiful name and body, why would I ever want to change it? It's perfect and everyone wants my body shape so why am I throwing it away.
Maybe because it makes me want to die.
Yo what if I was faking? That would be so funny! What if I just let the internet tell me I was depressed and have anxiety and I'm trans and gay? What if this is all for attention? Maybe I am just lazy, maybe I'm straight, maybe I'm just an attention seeking whore.
I look on the next page and see the words 'Kill Me Kill Me Kill Me Kill Me Kill Me' and 'My Fault My Fault My Fault My Fault My Fault' overlapping each other, covering the entire page. Some of the words are water damaged and covered by blood droplets.
Fuck Noah. What else were you hiding from us? I pull out my phone and look up Hanahaki Disease.
"Hanahaki Disease is a fictional disease in which the victim coughs up flower petals when they suffer from one-sided love. It ends when the beloved returns their feelings (romantic love only; strong friendship is not enough), or when the victim dies. It can be cured through surgical removal, but when the infection is removed, the victim's romantic feelings for their love along with the memory of them also disappears."
Fuck, Noah! Why didn't you tell anyone?! Why did you let yourself suffer in pain? God Noah. I close the book and leave my house. I make my way to the graveyard and to Noah's grave.
"Noah, I am so sorry. I'm so sorry you had to go through that alone. I'm sorry your mother did that. I'm so sorry, you should've never been in that situation. I promise, promise, you that you did not deserve any of that. And I'm so sorry you thought those things about yourself but I promise you weren't faking. The internet helped you find yourself, you didn't copy them and you weren't making anything up. I'm so sorry I wasn't there for you."
I sit next to his grave and start making a bracelet.
"There isn't anything new I guess. Your tribute is coming up. Bailey got a text asking for pictures of you. I checked your phone for them and sent them to myself." I looked up and tested my head on his stone. "You had so many notifications. From the group chat, from Discord, from that one ex, from Zephyr. Well before he went missing, but we told you about that. I texted the servers you were in and told them what happened. They miss you." I place down the bracelet and dust myself off.
The sun was setting by the time I left the graveyard. I texted the group chat.
Me:
You guys going to the tribute in a few days?
MoMmY😩✋:
Yea I'm going. Got any special facts about Noah?
Cat Boy:
Not really. Maybe the fact he wrote a book?
Me:
That could work. He loved Just Dance
Bunny boi:
He hated dancing tho lol
MoMmY 😩✋:
He did lol
Me:I think I have a video of him and I doing a dance from Best Song Ever and a few Just Dance songs.
Imaginebeingabletodance.mp4
Love that lol.mp4
MoMmY😩✋: I'll make sure to get that to Mrs.Twins
VOCÊ ESTÁ LENDO
The After Effects Of White Roses and Spider Lilies
Ficção AdolescenteNoah never expected to fall in love, let alone twice. But then he meets Valentine and Benji. They told themselves that it would blow over and that his little crush was just that, a crush. But after months of pinning he realizes that isn't the case w...
