Love & Revenge

ep 10; stuck in his story

a month. it had been a month since y/n had last seen jungkook. she could remember everything that had happened at her house like it was yesterday. the feelings and pain were still raw. it was never going to get old and healed. she knew that for sure. she still questioned 'what was she to him?'  was it that easy for him to let go of her? but it was not the case for her. she has fallen too much deeper for that to happen. she wished it was the case for jungkook too. a simple selfish hope that kept her pushing through her life. maybe one day he would come back. she waited. hoping. 

at this point, she didn't care about getting hurt. it was already hurting her so much. and whatever jungkook was going to throw at her, she knew she could bear it all. if he was with her, she could bear it all. she just needed him. to be with her. was she asking for too much? but he said he loved her too. then why? why was it so hard to be together? if the price she had to pay for being together is getting hurt she was more than ready to sacrifice anything. maybe she was foolish. blind in love. but she didn't care. all she could think was about him. 

the only time she could remember being happy was the day Isabell came back from her vacation. she was excited to know all about her best friend's long vacation. it was like a silver line in her cloudy life. maybe she could move on from this pain after all. maybe she could live her life like she used to do. but that happiness of hers didn't last long. 

Isabell has changed. she was distant. something has changed in her that y/n couldn't put her finger on. she was no longer the best friend she used to know. yeah, she was still with her. she was still taking lunch with her. but that was it. she was just physically there. but mentally she was somewhere else. it was like she was lost in a deep ocean that was filled with different kinds of thoughts and she was trying to find an escape by herself. 

every time y/n asked about it Isabell refused to talk. which eventually lead her to avoid y/n's presence itself. leading y/n's life more in the darker direction. the only one y/n could rely on has also made herself distant from her. was she too unlikeable? was that it? was she a bad friend? was she a bad lover? was that why everyone had left her all alone? she was just falling deeper and deeper into the dark hole that was consuming her life in the worst possible way.

this was not what jungkook had wanted when he left her. he just wanted her to be happy. to live her life like she used to do before he came into her life like a storm. he just wanted to remove her from all the dark secrets and pain that was about to come into her life. all because of him. he didn't want to see her tears. he didn't want tears in her eyes at all. and by ripping himself away from her life, he thought that she would finally be happy. without any misery that was coming into her life as a bonus by being with him. 

but damn, if he knew that his plan was failing he would come running back to her arms in no time. if he knew that y/n was in a pain so much worse than what he imagined it to be, he would drop all of his insecurities and fears just for being stronger for her. to protect her. to love her. to spoil her. to give everything of him to her.

but he didn't know. he was too busy dealing with his own pain and emotions that were running wild. it was painful. he didn't want to stay away from her. he wanted to see her. touch her. feel her. so badly. yet he had to control himself. he couldn't afford to do something like the last time he got drunk. so he had distanced himself from alcohol as well. bearing all the pain just by himself in a dark corner in his apartment. living with his tears and pain.

there were thousands of times he thought of giving up on his self-control. to let his heart take over him. but the thought of hurting y/n was sickening enough for him to gain back his power over his heart. no matter how much it was painful for him to stay away, pushing her out of his life. he deserved it. for all the things he was planning to do and for all the pain he was making her go through right now. he deserved this much of pain. so he couldn't complain.