I Hate You But I Love You

29.

Sooo, as I said, this chapter needed just a little more shaping, before it would be ready. Here it is😌

Natasha grabbed the small black box Clint was extending towards her. As her fingers touched the velvety surface her gaze met Steve's. His eyebrows were pulled together in surprise. She knew what he was thinking. It had been a little early. Yes, she knew that, too. Wanda and her had only been together for a little over year. That's why she had given the box to Clint, so he could store it away until the right moment came and to keep Wanda from finding it beforehand. And now it was too late. The right moment would never come. Because Wanda was gone and she would never get the chance to ask her. Her hand was shaking, as she finally took the box out of Clint's palm and she was trying hard to keep the tears at bay. She felt everybody's eyes on her. They all had to fight with their own losses, but no one had seen Natasha lose herself like that before. No one. Not even Clint or Steve. And also not Wanda, before she turned to dust. They knew her deepest and darkest secrets and had comforted her after countless nightmares or panic attacks. They had seen her cry several times, but this was new to everyone.

Natasha had cried out her whole soul in Wakanda, until there were no tears left to cry. Until her throat was dry and her mind numb as she fell asleep from exhaustion in Steve's arms. She hadn't spoken a word since she woke up and not one more tear had left her eyes ever since. She was broken and everybody could see it. That was what had everybody concerned. Nobody knew what a broken Natasha would be like. The blonde looked around the room to see everybody looking at her, watching her every move. All of them with pity in their eyes.

All but one. Steve didn't look at her with pity. He looked at her with understanding. He understood her as no one else could. Even though Clint had lost something like a daughter with Wanda he could not understand the pain she was feeling. But Steve could. He lost Bucky. The other part of his soul. Just like Wanda had been the other part of hers. He lost his best friend and the love of his life. Just like she had but what was worse was, that she got to spent time with Wanda. She got to love her and she got to be loved by her, at least for a little while. But Steve had never told Bucky how he felt. They never had the time Wanda and her did.
And now it was too late. They would never get them back. Thanos destroyed the stones and there was no bringing them back. They had lost the battle and now they had to pay the price for it. She took one last glance at Steve before she quickly walked out of the room, the little black box tightly clasped in her hand and the glances of everyone following her.

She walked to Wanda's room and went to grab the doorknob. Then she hesitated for a second. All kind of thoughts rushed through her head. How Wanda would never set a foot in that room again and how she couldn't just walk into the room without Wanda. This was her room, she couldn't just go in there could she? She pushed the thoughts aside. This was her girlfriends room. They lived in it together 90% of the time. But still it felt kind of wrong to go in there without her. Again she pushed the thoughts aside and opened the door.

And right then, as she stepped into the room, closed the door and looked around, she realized how much she had inwardly hoped that Wanda would be there, welcoming her in her room. But she wasn't. And then reality crashed over her over her like a wave, almost drowning her in the pain that came with it. Wanda would not be coming back. Not today. Not ever. She would never see her again. Never see that beautiful smile spread on her face when she would call her pretty or that adorable nose scrunch when she was concentrating. And she would never feel her heart speeding up at something Wanda said or her breath catching in her throat when she would feel her arms snake around her waist in a warm hug or her soft kisses in the morning. She would never again hear her voice telling her she loved her and never see that blush creeping on her face when she told her she loved her back.

She stumbled a step back, overwhelmed by her emotions and her back hit the door. Then she slowly slid down to the ground until she was sitting with the back against the doors, knees close to her chest, while the first sob ripped through her and she let the tears, she had been holding, finally fall. And after that she didn't hold back anymore. She let the tears fall freely and sobbed until her throat became rough. Then the sobs turned into whimpers, like those of a wounded animal.

"How can you leave me alone? You promised that you wouldn't leave me. You promised and promises are not to be broken." And with that the rage came. "I hate you. I hate you for leaving me here all alone. I hate you because you left me, knowing that you kept me going. I hate you because you left me without a chance to say goodbye. I hate you, because you loved me. I hate you because your love made me weak. They say love is for children and maybe they are right. Because in the end all love does is hurt you. And I hate you because I still love you. I love you and you are not here!"

With that her gaze stopped on a framed picture of the two of them, on one of their dates, that stood on Wanda's bedside table. She stared at it for a few seconds before she threw the box at it. She couldn't stand to look at it anymore because Wanda wasn't there with her. With a crack the glass of the frame broke, as the box hit and all anger left Natasha. With a distraught gasp she lurched forwards and hastily began picking up all the pieces of broken glass while muttering a string of "I'm sorry's".

"I'm sorry, Wands, I shouldn't have said that, I didn't mean it. I'm sorry, I'm so... ahh!" She looked down on her hands to see blood oozing out of a long cut on her right palm. With a clatter she let all the shards fall to the ground. The cut had not been deep but it was still a cut. What was she even doing picking up glass by hand? Careful not to cut herself again she reached for the photo that had been in the frame and pulled it out of the shards with her left hand, while blood began slowly dripping from her right hand onto the ground. With the other hand she reached for the box, laying on the ground next to. She flipped it open and looked at the ring, that was glistening in the sun, coming through the window. A tear dropped down from her cheek onto the ring.

With a sigh she flipped the box shut again, and let herself fall against the wall, careful to avoid any more shards and wiped the blood on her shirt. More silent tears were running down her cheeks as she let her head fall into her hands. "What am I going to do without you? What am I supposed to do without you? I have no idea. I don't know how to do this without you at my side. I need you. And I miss you. So, so much. I just want you here with me, so I can hug you and you can tell me everything will be alright. I love you Wanda. Please, just come back to me."

Alright I know this was really sad, and I apologize for that. Pls don't come after me😭