Miscellaneous

IV- Charmaine

Sitting at my vanity table, I can't help but dwell on my thoughts. Everybody has a perception of me clasped in their palms. It's not something I can ever control, even if I put my greatest efforts into proving that I am a different person from what they see me as.

No amount of working, proving, or showing, could ever change what I did last night.

Not only did I disappear with no trace, I pinky promised him with a smile on my face as if I truly meant every little thing I said. And with no doubt, I meant it, it might've been with ill intentions but I would've gone on dates with him and everything that would be expected in a relationship.

I don't know what hit me when I left, but if I could've found him and showed him the regret eating away at me, spooning my insides and feeding them to my thoughts, he would've known that I never meant to do whatever I did.

But I did what I did and that's how it ended.

Snap out of it, Charmaine, this isn't what we learnt, I tell myself.

I aggressively squeeze the moisturizer bottle for the last bits to come out. Then I slather it all over my face, staring at my reflection as I hope that it takes my mind off my faults.

I'm beautiful, I am so goddamned beautiful. Yes, Charmaine, not only beautiful but perfect. I am to die for.

I repeat it like a mantra until my tongue can't seem to pick up on any words. So I get up, satisfied that I have convinced myself that what's done, had to be done. When I push my chair back, I feel a sense of power finally running through me. That's what I needed all along, this is the Charmaine we adore.

"Hey, mama." I begin, ad I hug my mother warmly. "You slept well yesterday?"

She sighs, "The usual, moje dieťa." I know she didn't sleep well when she slipped the Slovak in. Although we've grown up pretty connected to our culture as a part of our identity, we don't usually speak in Slovak unless we're trying to be secretive in public, angry, or genuinely upset.

This means, mama's upset and I don't like when that happens.

"But you, baby, you didn't sleep well last night." She says. "You were tugging at your sheets and whatnot, something nagging at your conscience, isn't it?"

I truly hope James doesn't ever sleep comfortably for making my mom worry this way.

I put on my greatest show and brush it off, "Mama, no. I was probably just worried about school. Happens sometimes, you know?"

"Ladislava, don't do anything that will mess with your conscience like that. Please, even if it's for me, okay?" She warns. I know she's truly concerned when she uses my Slovak name. In the government's eye, I might be Charmaine, but my mama and papa wanted me to be Ladislava. The hard time I would have due to an unusual name worried them, hence they stuck with a more western name.

The things my parents do for me. Never will I be able to repay them, even if I plucked the stars out and handed them over.

"I won't mama, I promise." With that, I hug her again, this time deeply engulfed by her warm embrace. She smells of cinnamon and the purest form of love. She smells of everything I would want to hold onto forever and more.

When she lets go, I kiss her forehead to let her know that I mean it when I say I promise, to which she rolls her eyes. "Enough sad talk. So, tell me how was the carnival?"

I grin, "I and Priscilla won the biggest plushie ever. We had so much fun, you should've been there."

"Oh yeah? Sounds like somebody had too much fun without me, how rude." She says, passing me a plate of French toast. "We've kinda run out of syrup, I'll try to get some soon though, okay?"

I nod, "Speaking of, you know that job at the coffee shop?"

"Mhm?"

"I might get a raise soon. Since I've been doing great at work." That's a lie because truthfully, I don't even have a job at a coffee shop. I gather money from whichever dude I'm going out with, then I bring it home for my mama, telling her it's my salary.

She thinks her little girl is working diligently, both her hands pristine and clean.

When she hears, she squeals and ruffles my hair. "I'm proud of you, Charmaine." She says, "I always am, know that."

Of course, I smile yet again and take myself upstairs to grab my backpack and coat. School is one of the only places where I truly feel normal, everyone might treat me with a little advantage, yes, but at least I get to be a teenager concerned with nothing but grades and looks.

At the front door, I stop to wave at my mom before leaving for school. Priscilla stands in our front yard, chatting on the phone with someone. "Carrie!"

I spread my arms for a hug and she runs into my arms, "You don't understand how worried Tomás and I were. We thought kidnapper dude would track you down and get rid of us all."

"What in the absolute madness?"

She punches my shoulder lightly, "Get walking, Tomás and his mom are waiting in the car."

I get in the car and instantly I am greeted by the sweetest look on Tomás's mom. Sometimes, I can't help but wonder how she's always smiling like she doesn't have a care in this world. But then again, I used to wonder the same thing about my sister Teodora, who happens to have the same name as Tomás's mom. Both loved each other very dearly, to an extent that many wondered if they were mother and daughter. I used to wonder too when I was little because I couldn't comprehend such a bond at that age.

If there's one thing I can comprehend now, that love wasn't enough to substitute kinship and at the end of the day, only one stayed back. The original Teodora, of course. 

Love never wins. 

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